The SBP Handbook

I've Moved!

2011-06-25T00:29:00.004-04:00

I've decided that since I'm the only one posting, it's about time I move along.

I created a new blog: triplehatecrime.wordpress.com

I will be creating new content there, but this will still be up if you want to check out or share some of the old stuff.

The "I Hate Black People" Guy

2011-05-08T19:11:00.002-04:00

This was from a show a couple of years ago called "Without Prejudice?", where a panel of five random people decide whether five random contestants get money through four rounds. It starts off with 15 minute introductions (first impressions) then goes to a short biography, hot button issues and finally two contestants get to finally get their interviews. This was from the pilot episode. You owe it to yourself to watch this clip.

Stop Assuming I Like Madea You Racist!

2011-04-27T03:48:00.006-04:00

I was totally pumped when I read about TBS canceling Tyler Perry's House of Payne. That show was on for 127 episodes too long. Too bad in the same breath they're letting him have another show, based off yet another group of his characters. "For Better or Worse" is based off his movie "Why Did I Get Married?" and while those movies had no trace of Madea (I was DEVASTATED!) I highly doubt he'll miss a perfect opportunity to remind everyone it's his property by putting himself in it. It's not like we don't know when it's his movie. He put's "Tyler Perry's" in front of everything he does, as if anyone else would produce those stinking piles of shit he creates in his Bible thumping, agenda powered Jesus factory. You're not fucking Shakespeare! Just because you put your name in front of it doesn't make your stuff classics!

If you couldn't tell, I'm might not be the biggest fan of Tyler Perry.

I'm so fucking sick of dumbass ignorant bitches asking me if I fucking love those Tyler Perry movies! No. I have a brain. I refuse to sit through yet another all black film that only retools the same five story lines while getting cheap laughs from stereotypes and expecting to be taken serious by the general public. You're not producing art while running around in drag, acting like a belligerent negro and simply getting laughs from making white people believe this is the way we do and should act. You look like you're in scenes cut from the movie Norbit.

To be fair, I admire him as a business man. He created an entire empire off his plays and continues to make movies and television that gives him so much exposure. I just wish he could do that without sending black people back 50 years.

I could really get behind him if he stopped doing the same tired storyline. Black woman is wronged by her man. Black woman angry. Black woman SMASH! Oh. I'm sorry. It's Madea who comes in and wrecks everything. But it's ok. The Black woman goes to church, finds herself a man, forgives the man that wronged her and lives happily ever after because she found Jesus again... or for the first time. All that matters is Jesus happens!

And people love to talk about Tyler Perry when they hear I want to make movies. Of course I should want to be Tyler Perry. Look at him running down the street wearing sandbags on his chest. Totally something to aspire to be! And don't get me started on thinking outside the box and being creative!

I mean, he had an amazing opportunity to shut critics (and myself) up with "For Colored Girls." Critically acclaimed play NOT written by him that he was translating to film. He even had an amazing cast of actresses for the lead! And what did he do? Fuck it ALL up by infusing Jesus overtones that didn't need to be there.

It's not all about you Tyler. Seriously. Let it go!

And he loves to call out Hollywood for being racist towards him. Let me let you in on a little secret Tyler. Hollywood doesn't hate your movies because they're racist. They hate them because they're shit. If anything, you're racist! You want to give black actors center stage because, I agree, there are not enough good African American vehicles out there. Emphasis on GOOD. Why don't you try it sometime? Putting a whole bunch of black people in a movie isn't doing any of us a favor when all they do is demean us. But you're supposed to be praised because you put us all in your flicks. I'm sorry. If it was a white director, you'd be all up in arms about it. Any other ethnicity couldn't put out the films you do without being considered insensitive, yet you're getting away with the murder of our culture. I can't believe you got second place at the box office this weekend. $25 million? Really? And you can't afford lessons on how to put out a quality film?

And if you want to call out my boy Spike Lee one more time for holding you back, Imma have to find you myself! Spike Lee and John Singleton... now those are black filmmakers I aspire to be. And it's not like they don't have strong voices about the black community, which often exposes stuff we wouldn't like to share with other. But they have artistic integrity. I know you don't know what that mean Tyler. You are in fact making yet ANOTHER Madea movie!

Or Shonda Rhimes! Creator of Grey's Anatomy, Private Private Practice and producer for a multitude of shows. She's amazing and gets no credit. She writes all her characters without any ethnicity and let the best actor get the parts. That's a novel idea! Instead of resting on the schtick of having an all black cast just so that you know we'll all come flock to your movie, why not just write a movie and let the best actors get the rolls. How about resting on your "talent" for a change? I dare you.

Honestly, I've seen "Diary of a Mad Black Woman." It's actually a good movie. Too bad he's redone it seven times already. I will not deny that his stuff is probably really funny and enjoyable. I would probably like his movies like everyone else does. But I can't promote the idea that black cinema can be boiled down to finding Jesus and jokes based purely on stereotypes.

A good friend of mine always asks me when we're going to have a African American movie classic. Where's our "Godfather"? Where's our "Sunset Boulevard"? Where's our "Casablanca"? I feel like some of my greats can't do it, I have to work really hard to make it happen myself. All I know is that the most successful black director/producer and Forbes "6th Highest Paid Man in Hollywood" can't do it. He's too busy driving cars into fast food joints dressed as an old lady. Anyone else see a problem with that?

I mean, how obnoxious are the ads for his latest movie?

I see this shit everywhere in LA! And the eyes...

...They follow you.

This Exactly How I Feel!

2011-04-27T03:44:00.002-04:00

I love this Sun Drop commercial! I never see it anymore but everyone should be required to watch it once a day!

Adventures with White People: Part Deux (Duh)!

2011-04-27T02:20:00.006-04:00

I should have learned my lesson. I already did my good deed for the century by hanging out with Navaar and company that one brain numbing excuse for a night of fun. I paid my debt to society, lost a couple of brain cells and my faith in humanity. So why would I possibly go back over there? Was it because Emily was having the time of her life overseas and I needed a buddy? Was I so bored that I really chose to risk the last few IQ points I had desperately saved from my last encounter? Or did I want to just laugh at some stupid people?

I really can’t say. Friendships make you do funny things… like trip and fall into an experience I never thought I’d have.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I really love Navaar and Max. That being said, my friends are idiots. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, please see the first post of Adventures with White People.

Navaar invited me to hang out with him and Max at his house. Both his father and brother were gone for the night so the house was all to ourselves. OH JOY! I sat on the couch and watch Max and Navaar take turns sucking at Metal Gear Solid 3 for about an hour before the night really picked up. As Navaar ran upstairs to get his computer, I was faced with a very awkward issue.

My last encounter with the boys introduced me to the wonderful Rory. And while I could see he was just a useless, self-centered juicehead, I found out that I wasn’t the only one not charmed by him. Apparently Max wasn’t TEAM RORY either, but not for the reason I thought. Max had an issue with the way Rory and Navaar talked to each other. They took the bromance idea to a new level. And while Rory and Navaar confessed their undying love for each other while punching each other in the arm yet longingly looking into each other’s eyes, Max sat in the corner trying to not think about his best friend balls deep in Rory. Or vice versa. Rory seems like he’d be a bitchy little bottom…

While I was excited about having someone on my side, I feared that Max didn’t know that I too secretly wished to be balls deep in Rory. Not in a gay way. Though I am gay and that’s the point of it all. I would just like to put the bitch in his place. Awkward Moment.

All night I debated whether or not to do something with the awkward tension in the air. Max had been my friend for years. Did he really believe I would just jump his bones? Didn’t he know I was into Rory?!?! After sitting in silence for awhile, I finally asked him if he knew I was gay. And just like that, things were fine. Of course he knew I was gay! He’s totally fine with it. He just didn’t like the fact that the last time we hung out Navaar and Rory were playing out the beginning scene of every gay porno ever! Totally understandable.

So what does this have to do with my crazy night? Nothing really. Just wanted to avoid explaining what happened next:

It was interesting that the last time we got together, neither one of them could even approach a woman. Yet Navaar was descending the stairs, with computer in hand and the best idea ever: Let’s find a prostitute on Craigslist for him and Max to double team. He was nice enough to offer finding a man for myself, but I knew that there was a special guy waiting for me across the country. That and I'm too damn sexy to have to pay for some adult fun.

What I thought was a joke became going to the ATM for money, discussing how they were going to trick her into a two for one deal and calling the hoe over. That’s not an insult. It’s her career.

Thirty minutes later, I watched as a nickel was actually let into the house (She was definitely not a dime. Discounted price people!). Of course she didn’t fall for their scheme to get to Eiffel Tower her, and because we feared the wrath of her pimp and he put in ten more dollars than Max, it was Navaar was the lucky trick of the night. It’s really weird to sit downstairs as your friend bangs a hooker in his bedroom. What’s worse is when the bathroom downstairs is occupied, and you have to go to the bathroom next to the sexy time room while you try and take a deuce, forced to listen to the soundtrack of their “lovemaking.”

After the standard amount of time (Good Job Navaar!), she left, I went home and the three of us never spoke of it again….

Oh! And if you plan on having sex with a hooker while your friends are in the house, close the fucking door please! It was so unfortunate that I had to see that and then judge.

Official Rating: Ehhhh…

And yes. The sex was more awkward than that!

My Friends are Better than Yours!

2011-04-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

No really they are. I know it sounds like something screamed by some bratty, overweight little monster on the playground but it’s true; I have the best friends ever. Actually I should say I have the best, best friends ever. Over nine of them if I were to guess the number. Each one of them close to my heart; each one of them different and unique (except for Jorin and Josh. Damn Evil Twins!). At the same time, each one just as loyal and trustworthy as the next one. Anyone of them would drop whatever they were doing to help me out. I love them. As I get ready to go back to Florida to see most of them, my heart is filled with joy just at the thought of being on the same coast as them.

A baby could have been conceived since I went across the country and robbed them of my glorious presence. As I’m gearing up for yet another cross-country adventure, I’m finally ready to fill everyone in on my journey across the country (For like the third time. I know. I was slacking!). But the only thing bigger than my trip were the people in my life: the people who made it possible for me to make my dream come true, the people who were waiting to help me start the new chapter in my life, and most importantly, the people who made it so hard for me to leave.

But there is one person, my soul mate Emily, who holds a special place in my heart. As I get ready to make another trip to Florida and the subsequent sequel across the country with my “Hell NAH! I’ll never like that Douche bag” best friend Jorin, I can’t help to think of my short white girl doppelganger that I wish to tenderly duct tape and throw in his trunk.

As we drive across the country and forget to feed her, she’ll pray for a weak spot to let the raindrops in to nourish her… but such hope will never come. She’ll have to drink her own tears. And when just enough days go by, and she’s about to die of dehydration, we’ll open the trunk and remember she’s in there. Then we’ll give her a good life in California (I promise).

Wait. I just got WAY off topic. And how come it got so creepy? Anyways…

Emily is down for anything. Anytime. (Not like that dirty!) She’s just a great friend. Calling her a friend is probably an insult at this point. We’ve been through so much since meeting in high school. Friendships and relationships have come and gone, but we’ve always been there for each other. When I was away at college and my mother was diagnosed with cancer, it was Emily I trusted to take care of the most important person in my life. She’s my everything.

Originally, this post was supposed to be about the spontaneous day trip we took to the Keys together. How we made Key West our bitch: roaming the halls of hotels we didn’t stay at, eating ice cream by the sea, and finding our way into back alley gay porn stores, where you leather is on the menu and they have a personalized jizz rag for everyone. I’m supposed to tell you how that was to be our last big outing before she went to Europe for the summer and how I couldn’t see her off at the airport. That when she touched back in the USA, I would have been halfway across the country. Neither of us would get the decent goodbye our friendship deserved.

But all I can think about are all the crazy things going on her life. And how the daily phone calls aren’t a substitute for getting ice cream and discussing our problems until the streetlights come on. All I want to do is hug her. I’ll be seeing her in less than a month but it’s just so bitter sweet.

An alternate title for this blog was “A Love Letter to Emily.” (LAME!)

Love you Emily. See you soon.

Explanation of Jesus Venn Diagram

2011-01-31T03:28:00.001-05:00

Adventures with White People!

2011-01-31T01:18:00.010-05:00

White People...

I know them. I love them. I date one. And one night, I got a first hand look at all their crazy.

A while back, I hung out with my old friend and neighbor Navaar. He invited me over for a barbeque one night and while I was not enthused about the idea of hanging out with him and his mystery friends, but I had to. I am black... Who the fuck am I to turn down free food?

I went over to his place to find out that he was having people over without his father's knowledge while he was supposed to be watching his 10 year old little brother. In fact, his father had no idea he was having a barbeque and using his extremely expensive grill to do so. So as I watched as his little brother play unsupervised with the bonfire that was feet away from setting the house ablaze, I should have looked at the red flags popping up and walked home... but I wanted my free food damn it!

Hours later, we're sitting on the back porch as the upstanding and not at all terrible excuse for a human being, Rory teaches Navaar's little brother how to play poker. I would be fine with this except for the fact the the 30 year old was actively trying to cheat this kid out of his birthday money.

I learned lot from my Rory encounter. Not only was he Navaar's trainer, he also turned out to be a total douchebag. I got to hear all about his life and how he loves his girlfriend and hates his wife. Yes, this awesome guy gets to have two lucky ladies! He gets pleasure out of telling his wife that he's cheating and openly reminds her how he doesn't give two shits about her. I watched as he texted his girlfriend he loved her and picked up his phone to scream at his wife that he wants her dead. But it's ok though; he only married his wife because he wanted to use her for her money and sex until he got back on his feet... Wait... WHAT?

After all this, you would think I would just finish my juicy steak and go home right? No. Because I'm a stupid bitch! *Flips scarf over shoulder*

A half an hour later, I'm in the car with Navaar and our friend Max driving to Hooters because the boys wanted to get a close up look at the things they're not allowed to touch. Seeing as I don't spend much time at the classy establishment, I had no idea that they closed before 11:30 so driving around the parking lot at midnight was really fun for me. As they decided to go to the Hard Rock because now they had a gay friend to help them get with women, I learned something that I never thought to ask before I got into the car...

(Ask ANY question about the car)

It wasn't Navaar's car. Ok... it's Rory's car that he lent him. That's cool. There was no reason to worry, right? When the car has no insurance, expired tags and is a couple of miles from completely falling a part, you realize this is around the time that you should reflect on the mistakes that took you to jail. Oh! And Navaar didn't have a license. Time to figure out who is going to help me post bail.

The night went on for one more embarrassing hour of getting no play at the Hard Rock and ended with us going to our respective homes without even talking to someone of the opposite sex. You would think that after all that, I would conclude my study, record my results and never talk to those idiots again...

Unfortunately, these guys are my friends and thusly, have helped spawn a sequel.

COMING SOON...

ADVENTURES WITH WHITE PEOPLE: PART DEUX (DUH)!

Lucky Unicorn

2011-01-25T04:39:00.004-05:00

I do believe that unicorns are real. They're just extinct...

*Barry White Voice*

... from us loving them too hard.

All the Things I Learned at My First Internship

2011-01-20T22:30:00.009-05:00

I am what I like to call a professional intern. I'm not doing an internship that was through a school. I'm not interning for a six month period to put on my resume. I'm working open-ended for an undetermined amount of time for free. Yes. I am aware of how completely stupid this sounds and normally I would make fun of someone who is quite obviously a sucker who will be working without pay for the rest of their life. Rest assured, I won't be living out of a cardboard box any time soon...

I'm working at DeFranco Inc. This is the company of the very popular YouTuber Philip DeFranco. Every week I get to work behind the scenes of the many popular online shows they've created: the Philip DeFranco Show, Black Box TV, Like Totally Awesome (LTA), The Vloggity and Cute Win Fail (CWF). I'm learning a lot and seeing how they're building the brand and expanding the company. I'm on the ground floor of something really awesome and I'm so lucky to be a part of it. It really is the highlight of my week.

My internship is so awesome... and I almost didn't take it. Not just because I thought it might have been a prank, seeing as I found out about it from Twitter (yes, I'm finally getting the whole Twitter thing). I had a terrible experience about two months before I accepted my position at DeFranco Inc...

...at my first internship.... BUM BUM BUUUMMM!!!!

*Cue Lightning Flashes, wolf howl and crying children*

My first internship was back in Florida, about a month before I was to move to California. I should have known nothing good can come from Florida, especially something free.

I took a position as a writing intern at a production company that did two nationally televised shows. Sounds like a good idea right? They didn't tell me that the writing intern would be in the marketing department. That in itself isn't so bad, but after weeks of spending my days putting decals on walls, editing hours of footage on paper only for the editor to not receive my paper, researching social media events and trying figuring out the very flawed intranet, I realized this was probably not a good fit for me. I know that doing bitch work is the natural state of the intern, but when I found out that my ultimate goal in my internship was learning how to writing press releases, I knew that I was just wasting my time. I wrote press releases when I was a sophomore in high school. There was no way I was going to get shit on everyday only to "learn" how to do something that I can do in my sleep. Among all of the time wasted there, I did learn one thing...

One day when I was on my lunch break, I was treated to a real show. I was sitting in the parking lot eating my sandwich when I saw a white SUV rocking back and forth. At first I thought it was in my head, but upon further inspection, I saw that the SUV not six feet away from me was indeed sex rocking. I was going to move, but the last thing I wanted was for one of them to see me running away in the middle of having their midday snack. That's just rude. So that's when I stopped listening to my music and started listening to the natural ambience around me: the birds chirping, the wind blowing through the trees and the unmistakable sound of slurping that come from blowing something else. Maybe they really shouldn't have cracked the window...

When the rocking stopped, I decided to get up and throw my food away in the trash can across the parking lot. I didn't want to add to the awkwardness by being an arm length away when they come out of their traveling love den. Of course I had to see who had been my entertainment for the afternoon. A young blonde women plopped out of the vehicle. I remember seeing her a couple of days before working in the office next to mine with her boyfriend. Knowing this information, the situation became that much more awkward. While she had to take a leap of faith out of the vehicle, the NBA sized black man who I had never seen before stepped out of the SUV like it was a clown car.

That day, I learned that you can cheat on your significant when you work with them. Just make sure it's in the parking lot.

I watched her walk into the lobby, looking as if she had spent a weekend at sea with the Minnesota Vikings. As her boyfriend kissed her, I wondered if he was that oblivious, or if he was just used to the taste of dick in his mouth.

Writing Fail... AGAIN!

2011-01-20T02:56:00.006-05:00

Wow. It's 2011. Time flies by fast. We're actually halfway through the first month of the New Year. I wish I could say much has changed in my life but it's still the same old same old. I'm still an intern at a company no one knows on the East Coast and still work at Starbucks.

Wait... I'm an intern for one of the biggest YouTubers, Philip DeFranco! Ok, that's a a bit of a change but I still work at Starbucks... in California where celebrities come in all the time!

Ok, I'm a liar. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! For the last five months I've been living in Hollywood, California, trying to make it as a writer and moving a mile a minute experiencing the west coast lifestyle.

But that's not why I am I liar (well not the only reason I'm a liar). I made a point to try and recommit myself to blogging last year, and that lasted all of two months (maybe?). I had so much to write about but too much going on in my life to make myself focus for a minute and write it all down.

I've noticed that regularly blogging helps me as a writer to start working on the projects that I actually I need to do. And seeing as I've been out here for almost five months and this is the most I've written, I realized that this blog is more important to me (and my process) than I thought.

So it's time for me to catch you up on the time jump that has been my life. From my cross country road trip to my first celebrity event... It's time for me to bring you on my journey from Hollyhood to Hollywood.

Can I just take my store with me?

2010-08-10T16:19:00.002-04:00

With only 2 weeks before I move, I was thinking about how much I'm going to miss working at the store and with all my friends. I started to go through random pictures on my phone and I realized everything I'll be missing moving to Cali...

Cute pink buses for no reason.

Being tagged in our bathroom as if we're in Compton when we all know we're in uppity Downtown Fort Lauderdale.

Coworkers who randomly stand on tables and have celebrity couple names just because.

Heather (Heddy)+ Raissa = Reddy.
Heather + Chris = Cheddy
Heather + Jorin = Jeddy
Heather + Nick = Neddy

...Or maybe we all just have celebrity couple names with the same person.

And the guy who runs around Downtown in short shorts and a tray of wine.

No one knows why he does it. He just does.

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Ninja Raccoon

2010-08-10T15:26:00.001-04:00

I feel like a common theme throughout this blog might become the difference between white and black people. Not because I’m racist. It’s just so damn funny.

Like when I watch the Bernie Mac show with my best friend’s boyfriend Jorin. He always looks at Vanessa and I wondering if this is all some big joke. I don't think he understands that black families are actually like that. He’s lived the quintessential white family life; full of stern conversation instead of getting whooped, civil divorcees, and birthday weeks...

WTF is a Birthday Week?!?!

Prime example: One day at work, Jorin and I were taking a tandem break sitting under a palm tree in the parking lot. As we were talking, I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye up in the tree. I didn’t get a good look at it but I was already on Terror Alert Red. Jorin continued to talk obliviously as I slowly got up to make sure I wasn’t about to die. I’ve seen all the movies and I knew I was the only black guy around.

I actually thought it was a monkey. Why monkey? It was big and in a tree. I have no real good explanation for that one.

Then I saw it… a raccoon staring right back at me in the middle of the day about to pounce from the tree above me.

Jorin looked up and said “There’s a raccoon.” At that moment, he had to look around to see where I went. Of course I had ran for my life a good 10 seconds before he even looked up to see the furry ninja.

We both found it really funny that my first instinct was to flee and his was to look danger in the face and talk about it.

So why am I the first to die again?

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I Scream for the Ice Cream I’m about to Steal

2010-08-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

I’m a good person. I have to convince myself of that everyday, but I know deep down in that cold heart of mine lies some sense of decency.

That being said, I have created my master plan to extract goods from the ice cream truck that lives in my neighborhood.

Yes. I said it. There’s an ice cream truck that’s always parked two steps away from my front door.

I already have an Ocean’s 11 plan to steal the ice cream, but I’m starting to think that I should just Inception the guy so he’ll give me the truck….

BOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(For those of you who are late to the party, that was the Inception noise)

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Step Up to Domestic Violence

2010-08-10T15:11:00.000-04:00

It seems that two things that have been bothering me about movies have finally come together to make a Hell baby bent on destroying the movie going experience as we know it…

“Step Up 3D” which is the same tired dancing movie that has been plaguing theaters for the last couple of years, now features the gimmick that needs to die: 3D.

The trailers looks stupid and I’ve never had the urge to have someone do windmills in my face while trying to enjoy my soda, but that’s not what bugs me…

Have you seen the posters for this movie?

Doesn’t it look like that guy is in the middle of beating the living shit out of that girl?

When I saw this poster in the mall, I didn’t think of dancing or 3D. After staring at it for a while, I kinda got excited. They were finally going to change this played out genre. Instead of just whining about whatever dancing cliché they put the impossibly beautiful dancers in and having it all end with a big dance off, they are finally going to do what normal people do when shit hits the fan… FUCKING THUNDERDOME BITCH!

Oh wait…

They’re not fighting? It’s just bad marketing like they’ve done for the commercials of the movie? So she’s not getting her revenge in this picture?

Well that's unfortunate...

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A Public Case of Severe Itis

2010-08-04T17:00:00.002-04:00

A couple of months ago, my friends went to go get some fast food. Upon entering the establishment, I caught the most amazing sight:

I don’t think much needs to be said about this. It’s just so damn classy…

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Es-Cap-E!!!

2010-07-29T13:03:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of crazy stories that come out of my job...

A lady came up to me asking if it was normal to have people laying in the middle of our parking lot.

I was going to ask her what world does she live in that people laying in middle of the road can be considered normal... But I'm not allowed to be a bitch at work.

I pretended to marvel at her story of almost running over his head, thinking she was just another one of the crazies who come into my store.

Five minutes later, my coworker ran in, freaking out about a man who apparently jumped out of an ambulance and is evading capture. Come to find out, it was the same guy.

Lady, I apologize for thinking you were a stupid bitch (but considering everyone who comes in, you most likely are anyway).

So when I saw the escapee outside of my store, I did what any concerned citizen would do... I took a picture.

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One reason I'll miss driving in Florida

2010-07-23T15:12:00.001-04:00

People auditioning for live action Twisted Metal.

Yes, that is indeed a chainsaw attached to a car driving on the road. Damn I feel safe.

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I'm fucking crazy so that's why I haven't been blogging and I know it's not an excuse but I thought I should share and now I'm just typing to see how

2010-07-21T15:39:00.007-04:00

...long I can make my title.

Damn that was a lot. Well, at least it's not as long as this post is going to be.

So I've been crazy busy... and busy being crazy. People have been yelling at me because I haven't been posting anything and I keep saying I would do it. Doing it another day becomes another week, then another month and now look! It's halfway through 2010 and I've only done 3 posts. Aint that some shit!

I want to say I've been slacking because I've been busy at work... and getting an internship... and quitting said internship... and getting ready for the biggest move of my life...

But that's some bullshit. So let me level with you:

One thing that's been freeing about blogging is it's ability to let me express myself with no restraints. I just talk about my life; what happens, what I like, mostly what I hate, but nothing is off limits. Until a year ago...

I've been shying away from details of my personal life and as the past year has gone by, it's been consuming more and more of my thoughts and actions. And if I'm not talking about it, what the fuck am I supposed to talk about? I really didn't want to bring up what's been going on for many reasons. I'm a private person and any intimate details about my life or emotions I keep to myself. And what's been going on has been so special and fulfilling that I wanted to protect it. I've never had someone so amazing come in and turn my life upside down. I've grown so much as a person this past year and I know it's all because I'm finally opening up and taking a chance on love. (Trust me, I know you want to barf. I'm not used to talking/feeling/acting this way so every time I say anything cute or romantic, I cringe and wish to punch a puppy).

That being said, I should at least share with you some things I've been going through so I can finally get it out of my system and write some fun shit. Oh! And because I'm way too private, I'm going to be very vague about some stuff to protect the people involved and blah blah blah.

Disclaimer: if you're the kind of person who hates when people use "they and them" instead of "him and her," stop reading now. You're just going to have explosive diarrhea of the brain from all the atrocious pronoun usage I might end up using.

Oh and no more of this love dovey talk...

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK THIS SHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck am I doing?!?!??!?!?

I need a roadmap through relationships. I've been dealing with this "we're sorta kinda in a relationship" thing for almost a year now, and I have no idea what I'm doing! Not a clue. They say that every relationship is unique and there's no right or wrong way to do it, but I definitely think I'm doing it wrong.

I suck. It's just that simple. I don't call them. I don't text them. I suck.

And it's not because I don't want to. All I want to do is talk to them. I've decided it's because I'm fucking crazy. I over think everything and I'm way too courteous. I'm courteous to a fault actually. I don't call them because I'm always afraid they're doing something, so I don't want to interrupt their life. So I don't call. And when I do call... ok I don't want to get into that. It's a whole bunch of psyching myself up and hoping they don't pick up because I'm so nervous I'm on the verge of throwing up. Does it even seem like we've been talking for a year now?

Oh! Did I mention this is a long distance thing? Yeah, that's a HUGE factor.

And I don't know why I'm driving myself crazy over this. When we talk, it's wonderful. Just hearing their voice for a minute makes everything that's been going wrong with my life go away. And when we're together, it's just so easy. I don't have to be anyone other than myself, and there's no "let's go crazy with cute adorable love shit" like some people we both know and want to punch in the face (Love you guys!). We're just, I don't know, together. It's perfect.

I know what my problem is: I'm a control freak. I think it's killing me that I've finally come across a situation I can't control. I just need to accept that. It's just really hard. And this whole "gray area" in our relationship coupled with the distance, multiplied by my all consuming imagination makes me just a little bit off my rocker. And unfortunately, the ones close to me have had to deal with all my crazy mindfucking I've been doing to myself. If I keep this up, I'm pretty sure they're gonna take me out back like Old Yeller.

In less than a month, I'll be moving to the same town that they're in. I've never been so excited in my life. But with that excitement comes the equal amount of concern I have for the future of our relationship. I've also found myself in a weird best friends and roommates dating each other situation, which I've never liked. There are way too many movies/sitcoms over the years that have been based on how bad this situation can become. I just feel like we're all just way in too deep in each other's shit, so if things go south... let's not even think like that.

It actually felt really good to write all that out. Maybe I can finally get back to all 30 of my projects that I've yet to write because I've been driving myself crazy over all this.

I have a terrible feeling that one day they're going to read this and finally realize how truly insane I am. That might be a problem. Too bad I know I'm going to post it anyway.

Fuck...

BLOOD! (now with calcium)

2010-01-13T13:33:00.001-05:00

Orange Juice for Vampires.

It goes down smooth and gives you your daily dose of vitamin C...

And hemoglobin.

SBP Mobile - Slapping Bitches on the Go

2010! We're Back Bitches!

2010-01-12T20:28:00.006-05:00

It's 2010 BITCHES!

I know I fell off from keeping this thing up (twice), but I'm back with a vengeance!

This is why there was a sudden surge of Scotland blogs from 6 months ago. I felt like I needed to post everything I had left on my computer so that I can start anew with you guys. Besides, I promised that I would put those up, and I always come through with my promises...

... even if it's 6 months late. Let's just say for 6 months "I didn't know I was (blogging) pregnant" and yesterday I just shit out my dead baby fetus and I had to hide the body but now I'm ready to slut it up again... What? I just blacked out there! lol.

Well I got my swag back and I'm ready to tackle the new year. I have some big things planned and I'm ready to change the world (and I hope to bring you along for the ride). I've decided that 2010 is my year and I'm going to go BIG (because I don't go home!). The 3 R's baby: I'm refreshed, refocused and ready to take things to the next level!

A lot has happened since last I updated about my life. While I won't say EVERYTHING in hopes to protect people in my personal life (since when do I keep secrets), there's still more than enough juicy topics and bitches to slap to sustain you.

While I can't promise to write everyday, I promise not to leave you guys hanging like that again. And I won't be the only one changing things up. Matt's back and ready to write it up and Ayesha told me yesterday that she wants to write more (hopefully we can use peer pressure to make her come back on here more). In any case, we're all back and ready to slap up some bitches!

Scotland Blog #13- Dragging my feet back to the US.

2010-01-12T20:20:00.002-05:00

So the weather is lovely this morning as we catch a bus back to the airport. I think my mom and I were on the verge of tears leaving this place.

I really didn't want to leave, and I also didn't want to fucking go back to Jersey for my connecting flight.

I know I'm harsh on Jersey, but Jersey never did a nice thing for me ever.

Case in point:

When we're flying back to Florida from Jersey, what terrible thing can possibly happen? Lightning strikes the plane. But not only to it hit us... all the lights turned off, we had a huge dip, it looked like the lightning CAME INTO THE PLANE, and we had scorch marks on our wing.

I rest my case. Jersey is officially on the permanent "Must Bitch Slap List." It will stay on the list for the foreseeable future. Congrats Jersey for being such a fucking asshole that you are the first to be registered on the permanent list; or that you sucked so much that I had to create that list!

Scotland Blog #12- Wimble-FUCK!

2010-01-12T20:05:00.004-05:00

So it's definitely an experience being in Scotland during Wimbledon. When I watch it on TV, I forget it's actually held in a different part of the world. Over here, it's like the entire country shuts down for it. You feel it in the air. Like "Oh Shit! I smell some Wimbledon!"

Watching it over here made me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself; something special. It was almost something spiritual... until I heard the stupid ass announcer who sounded like he was going to fuck the sweaty socks of Roger Federer. While I understand liking a certain player, abusing your power so that your commentary of an entire tennis match sounds like an open love letter is a bit ridiculous.

I was cheering for my ex-boyfriend, Andy Roddick. He made it all the way to the finals so you had to give him your due... that is unless you where hanging out in the U.K. Before the match, all they talked about was how epic the occasion is because Federer was going to smash the record and I'm like "Hello?! We haven't even started the match yet." They already decided who was going to win!

It was ridiculous! All you ever heard about was how graceful Federer's movements were; how they were like poetry in motion. Roddick? What about him? "Look at Roddick out there. It's so commendable how hard he's trying out there." He wasn't "trying"; the man was fighting with Federer... so much so that the match lasted forever and Federer barely won.

The favoritism was crazy! I actually had to call Josh in the States to make sure that they were being fair to Mr. Roddick. Of course they were. Something America can do right. Sports commentary.

So fuck you U.K! Damn it! The only thing bad I can say about this place is they give annoying sports commentary. I don't even really like sports so why do I care?

... Ok I forgive you U.K. This little shortcoming can be overlooked. Let's be friends again.

Scotland Blog #11- Dr. Pepper WHAT?!?!

2010-01-12T01:05:00.004-05:00

They have Dr. Pepper ZERO here! I’ve never heard of such a thing before! This country is officially the place to be. Dr. Pepper with ZERO CALORIES!?!?!?! I’d drink that shit everyday! That bitch would be my Holy Grail; my life Elixir; my titty milk from God. If I had that in my daily life, well, let’s cut to the chase… FUCK WATER! My only regret is that I didn’t buy it while I was there ;-(

Yes, I was too broke to buy a soda on my last day in Scotland. But if I knew they had such heavenly things I would have spent all my money on this rather than other stupid things people call necessities... who needs food? I mean REALLY?

Scotland Blog #10- On the Prowl with Mom

2010-01-12T01:03:00.001-05:00

My mother and I have a weird relationship. Seeing as we never discuss aloud the whole “you have a gay son thing,” it’s interesting to see us subtly talk about hot people in Scotland. I was looking around today and I said to myself “There are so many hot people over here. It’s ridiculous.” At least I thought I said it to myself… A few seconds pass and I hear my mother say “This country is very attractive.” I know my mother is not a lesbian, so that means she was talking about guys and I KNOW she knows I wasn’t talking about girls…

My mother and I just checked out guys together. I don't know how I feel about this yet.

Scotland Blog #9- Britney is Superman... DUH!

2010-01-12T01:01:00.001-05:00

The more I’m here, the more I want to stay. I saw an advertisement for a television show called “Britney Spears saved my Life.” Umm, yeah. Sign me up!

Scotland Blog #8- Being So Damn Nice is Unnatural!

2010-01-12T00:59:00.001-05:00

I keep trying to find people to bitch slap over here but everyone’s so goddamn nice! Everyone apologizes and is courteous, it makes me confused. I’m always trying to punch every other person I see back home. Fucking Scotland and you’re awesome people. Stop trying to make me feel at home!

Scotland Blog #7- Up His Kilt

2010-01-12T00:57:00.002-05:00

Ok, I think I’ve been seeing the same hot guy around town the last few days. We keep bumping into each other randomly whether I’m at a bar, shopping or even going to my cousin’s graduation. And he was wearing a kilt today which was TOTALLY hot. I think it’s a sign!

Look at me. Who thought you'd see the day I'd be chasing skirts?

Scotland Blog #6- Wardrobe Malfunction

2010-01-12T00:54:00.003-05:00

So I find that everyone here dresses well. I mean EVERYONE, EVERYDAY. This leads to my problem: can’t tell who’s gay and who’s straight. For the most part in the states, the gay man dresses a bit better than the straight ones and have their own mannerisms. Here, everyone dresses fresh to death and are all polite. How am I supposed to weed out the ones for me? So there goes my dreams of a foreign affair…

Scotland Blog #5 - Twilight Hell in the Edinburgh

2010-01-12T00:47:00.002-05:00

And my aunt loves Twilight. And she’s describing it right now. I want to kill myself...

Holy Shit! Everyone's joining in. A family discussion about Twilight? I pray that Jesus will walk through the door and stake me through the heart right now. If you exist, you'll do this one favor...

::Buffy walks through the door::

I always knew you were my Savior!

Scotland Blog #4- America FAIL

2010-01-12T00:43:00.000-05:00

We’re doing everything wrong. America is wrong. Everything they do here is so efficient. From travel to the workings of a household, everything seems simpler, cost efficient and just damn easier. So it’s official. We failed. But we’re also too stubborn to see it.

Scotland Blog #3- Scottish Nightlife

2010-01-12T00:32:00.006-05:00

First night in Edinburgh and the nightlife is crazy awesome! I needed to get out of our cramped flat so I went out by myself to check out the local hotspots. I walked around to see about 20 clubs and bars in a two mile radius. Each one of them infinitely better than anything we have in America. You know how some clubs try to have that awesome, indie European feel to them? Well now I was living the real thing and believe me: ACCEPT NO IMMITATIONS!

Oh! And something cool about over here: no covers anywhere! It was sick. And the price for drinks was so much better over here, with better quality/quantity of the drinks. It’s so worth every ounce of drunken pleasure.

The first bar I went to was the Jazz Bar. The place was great. It had this great little jazz club vibe, with full bar and large crowd dancing away in a tiny space. Very intimate. And the band I stayed for can kick any of our American mainstream band’s ass! They played the standard guitar, drums, bass setup, but then there were some surprises like flute and tuba players. We need to step up our game when it comes to music, because while we think we’re talented, 60 % of our bands that get radio play are not even good enough to be considered a local band over here.

The next place I went to was called GRV (Green Room Venue). This place looked like the most tricked out basement I’ve ever been in. There was a neon multi-lighted bar, awesome murals on the wall and the ceiling was covered in the prettiest strings lights I’ve ever seen. I watched some sick break dance competitions, went down stairs to this crazy techno room, and chilled in the lounge with some of the locals. It makes me want to open my own GRV in the US. I would make a killing.

Now to stop being shy and make some friends! It sucks being in these awesome venues and not having anyone to enjoy them with… Easier said then done.

Gay Zombies = Best Zombies Ever

2009-09-17T22:54:00.001-04:00

You're not Diddy!

2009-09-14T19:44:00.003-04:00

So I was going to the grocery store to pick up something for my mother when I had this unexpected encounter with this a self-indulged, celebrity wannabe. While I love fashion, I try not to live my life by it's rules. Like wearing white pants after Labor Day... No big deal (although I really don't know a reason to wear white pants ever).

Anyway, as I was walking into the store, this asshole decided to go out of his way to almost knock me over to get in. When the sound of shock came from my mouth, he turned and sized me up. He gave a self satisfied laugh while looking at my attire, turned and went into the store.

Who the fuck does that guy think he is? I certainly don't walk out of my house looking like a bum. In fact, I was looking particularly fresh to death today. He on the other hand, was looking like a Diddy wannabe: his obviously fake oversized Dior (or Bior) sunglasses, white shirt showing nasty chest hair overgrowth and his white cabana pants...

YOU ARE NOT ON MIAMI BEACH!

I don't know who you think you are with your unjustified disgust in me but you're lucky we were in a public place. Otherwise I would have cut a bitch. I guess I would have to wait on karma to get him. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long.

As I was leaving I saw the cashier yell out that someone forgot their card. As the bag boy ran outside to catch the guy, I got a glimpse of the card... a food stamps card.

As I made my way outside, I saw the bag boy next to a beat up hoopty which had the "celebrity" inside. Next time you think about buying some bobo sunglasses, you should buy yourself dinner off the dollar menu bitch!

-SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

You can't Masturbate... It's 9/11

2009-09-11T16:09:00.001-04:00

9/12 is going to be the best day ever!

Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Best Commercial Ever!

2009-09-08T01:29:00.003-04:00

Thank you Europe! I'm probably going to get a lot of hate from my friends with kids, but I'd probably say the same thing to their faces... or behind their backs. Same thing.

Scotland Blog #2- My Family talks about Nothing

2009-09-08T01:25:00.004-04:00

Time to hang out with people my own age. At this flat, we have no wireless Internet and we’re having trouble working the television so we have to enjoy each other’s company. In the last two hours, I have heard in depth conversations about water heaters, garage doors, car payments and unfinished home construction. This is what old people talk about. And they say WE like to hear ourselves talk. At least we have interesting things to say. If I hear one more story about a washing machine, I’m gonna lose my damn mind and end my trip early by jumping off the third story of this flat.

I forgot! I have a savior! My sixteen-year-old cousin… oh wait! False alarm. Bitch is a fucking idiot with the mind of a twelve year old. I’m either hearing about the “hazards of defrosters” or listen to my cousin spew shit out of her mouth about… I don’t even remember. That’s how useless all of her conversations are. I see her talking and my mind completely shuts off in fear that I’m going to catch her stupidity. Every second I spend with her is like sticking razor blades inside of my tongue then trying to lick my own asshole. It’s that bad.

I guess I’ll take my chances with gravity…

Scotland Blog #1- Traveling with Family

2009-09-04T21:37:00.003-04:00

This is the first installment of the blogs I wrote while in Scotland (with NO WIFI!). I know it's been a couple of months since I was there, but writing was the only thing that kept me sane while there. So I figured I'd share... Enjoy!

So I’m in Scotland. First time ever across the pond; I absolutely love it! Getting here was a bitch though…

We had the standard 2-stop flight: we fly out of Ft. Lauderdale, connect in Jersey (eww) and then fly straight to Edinburgh. Sounds simple enough right? Not when your first flight is delayed 3 hours, so they put you on another flight which makes you miss your connecting flight so you’re put on yet another flight. But we made it right?

So I should be thanking the airlines… HELL MUTHAFUCKING NO!!!

All that changing made it so our bags went somewhere else. Does anyone know where they are? Of course not, so currently I’m wearing the same clothes I wore on my day of flying and long ass first day in Edinburgh. All ten of my new beautiful outfits are stuck in a baggage claim (or reclaim as they call it here) and all I have are the clothes on my back. So unless they send my clothes today, I’ll be BITCH SLAPPING CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!!

On another note, I’ve realized I’ve hit the age that traveling with my mother and family is a no go. Not saying I wouldn’t want to MEET THEM somewhere, but traveling like this is now strictly a close friend’s affair. Hot men everywhere and I can’t do anything because my mom is right there, worrying if I take too long when I’m away from her. Can’t flirt back. Can’t make the first move. Can’t even longingly stare at them for too long without it becoming a weird moment in my family setting. All I can do is imagine what I’d say to them… And boy did I imagine!

While at the airport bathroom, all I wanted was to do what it seemed every other male traveler did. I just sat on the toilet and prayed that some man would solicit sex from me. I just couldn't remember the damn code or whatever to make that happen! It's like the fucking gay Da Vinci code! I was tapping my feet all over the place like I was playing Dance Dance Revolution on the hardest setting. I started knocking my fist on the stall next to me, hoping some magical thing would open up and I'd be allowed into Homosexual Narnia. Why does it have to be so hard to get a BJ? I ended up just leaving, to find my mother worried that I took so long in there. No surprise there...

Now to have to go meet up with my ultra conservative family and my minister cousin who’s doctorate we’re celebrating. Wish me luck! Yay Jesus!

Buffy vs. Twilight

2009-09-04T21:19:00.008-04:00

If you love Buffy the way I do, you know she can beat the crap out of everyone in the history of the universe. So when Twilight came out, I just wished Buffy would kill Edward so all the little bitches out there can cry over the emo, dazzling, lame-ass excuse for a vampire. God came down from the heavens and delivered the best what if scenario: What if Buffy and Edward met? What happens next is a greatly enjoyable mashup of Buffy and Twilgiht.

My name is Nick and I don't have a Problem... Seriously!

2009-09-01T23:08:00.008-04:00

*Disclaimer- No Names are used to protect the anonymity of those at the meeting. That and because I'm pretty sure they would hunt down and kill me if I revealed too much*

So I went to my very first AA meeting last night... and no it wasn't for me. I don't have a problem. I know everyone says that, but I really don't. I have a lot of other very real problems but we don't need to get into that do we?

I went because my friend was being recognized for a milestone in his sobriety and I wanted to go and be supportive. I was so proud of him and I'm so happy to be apart of his big night.

That being said... AA is the most awkward place I've ever been to; and I've been to Anglican church! In fact, it felt like church a bit: the word "God" was being thrown around every five minutes, people gave testimonies about their lives and we even did a prayer... sort of. When the guy leading the meeting said something about praying, I closed my eyes and bowed my head... then heard everyone around me, eyes wide open, chanting the "serenity prayer." For a brief second I thought I was in a cult. I wish that was the end of the "cult feeling," but it was just the beginning...

Did I mention it was biker night? This is the night that the bikers usually come to meetings. I felt like I was either in a leather bar or prison (both of which should have made a gay man feel right at home) but when you add Jesus to the mix it becomes that much more bizarre. I had been warned that this was one of the more eccentric meetings I could have gone to. Eccentric is an understatement.

So I was completely inappropriate the entire time (Not My Fault!). It wasn't like I was trying to be. It just sort of happened... like when I raised my hand as a new person to the meeting when that is reserved for people who have a problem. Or when I got the church giggles when a woman was giving her testimony and how she had a huge hole in her life... and how she would just fill her hole with anything she could find (That's what she said). Or when I got super competitive during the raffle and was visibly upset when I lost... I wanted to win that Baby-T so BAD! I was going to get up like a belligerent black man and yell out "FLAWLESS VICTORY" when I won and rub it in everyone's faces like I was T.O. at the Super Bowl (oh to dream).

I felt so out of place the entire time. I just wished I had a problem so that I "fit in." The only time I was comfortable was when I was leaving...

That was until the awesome, foul mouthed 90 year old woman who grabbed my friend's ass made a B-line for mine. Yeah, it was an interesting night.

I know I'm Wrong but that Bitch Deserves it!

2009-08-30T14:56:00.006-04:00

Is it wrong that I laughed when my neighbor's car caught on fire? Ok, you don't need to answer that, but you have to understand... that girl is a bitch! I also thought about stealing her dog, but more about that later...

So when my mother told me one day that the cops were outside of my house, my first reaction was no big deal. Cops are always next door because that bitch and her siblings are always raising hell. I mean, they beat their mother; like Street Fighter crazy Akuma highest difficulty straight up beatdowns. It's quite terrible. But when my mom told me there was also a fire truck, I had to go see.

We open the door to see the front of her car all burnt up. Under her hood looked like a BBQ grill that hasn't been cleaned in 10 years. There was no fixing that. As neighbors stood in awe, I had to go back inside, seeing as I was about to burst into laughter. My mom asked what was so funny to which I respond "That's what that bitch gets for parking in my spot all the time."

I know. That was bad. But you know, she has a stank ass attitude, makes her mom's life a living hell and causes trouble for the entire neighborhood... That was the closest thing to God striking the bitch down. It was so good. It had been awhile since I saw karma work so wonderfully. She had that car for less than a year, and has been annoying everyone by parking in their spaces and not giving a crap about it.

Oh, and as for her dog...

Even my mother wants to steal it! She abuses that cute little puppy. It has to be about the size of my foot and she leaves it outside in the hot Florida sun all day: no food, no water. And they leave the door to the porch where they keep the dog open all day. We've gone over there just to give the dog food and water so it won't suffer. It's wrong to steal a dog but saving a dog is a good thing right? The only problem is they live right next door, so there's no way to hide the dog from them. All my plans end with me killing her...

It just occurred to me that laughing at her misfortune can come back to bite me in the ass. After all, I'm not one to talk about how great my current circumstances are. But then again, that moment was hilarious! I'll take a plague to the chin if it means I get to laugh at her. The only thing I regret is not laughing in her face. Thank you God for bitch slapping her. Now for the rest of the people on my list...

I wish there were still Milkmen

2009-08-30T14:48:00.002-04:00

My friend Danny showed me this the other day and while we should have been talking about how funny/cute the clip was, we quickly got into a discussion about who was hotter: the Milkman or the Mailman (Team Milkman over here!). Anyway, I thought I'd share. Life would be so much more enjoyable if this happened everyday...

So I've been gone for a while...

2009-08-30T14:31:00.003-04:00

My bad. For the last couple of months, I've been going through a bit of a "Life Fail." Going to LA, not going to LA, Friends FAIL, Family FAIL, Car FAIL, Money FAIL, Technology FAIL, health scares, identity crisis, relationship stupidity (on my part)... you name it, it happened.

The sky opened up and took a huge shit on me (Thanks God), so I really didn't feel the urge to blog about it. Well it's time to play catch up...

I need to get back to form: sharing with you random, funny moments in my life, videos that make me smile and stories about people who truly need a bitch slap! Over the next few days, I will be trying to catch you all up, as well as share the blogs I wrote while in Scotland (I was WAY too happy over there, so there isn't a lot of slapping that needs to happen).

I'll try not to slack off in the future... Oh it feels good to be back!

The Right Thing

2009-07-27T23:37:00.003-04:00

Feeling really annoyed, frustrated, and so ready to just give up. Unfortunately for defeat I'm too stubborn to give up. I can see what I want and the steps that need to be taken to get to what I am trying to accomplish. Not gonna make this long but if your feeling the same way, just know you're not alone feeling this way. If the door won't open I say kick that bitch down. Defeat you have been slapped. TOODLES!!!

WoW

2009-06-24T03:34:00.003-04:00

World of Warcraft. Bitches love it. If you stop playing it, you'll kill yourself. And you'll lose your clothes in record time. 'Nuff Said.

PSA People (parental discretion advised)

2009-06-22T17:42:00.003-04:00

CONTRACEPTION IS YOUR FRIEND!!!

Believe it or not contraception is your best friend. Now there are a few: some long term, some short term, some for men and some for women. Now wasn’t that so nice of contraception to be available for everyone? So I ask you reader where is your contraception? I know where my mine is. It’s like my visa never leave home without it. If we must, we can take an intermission ladies. If you forgot your contraception, lets pop that little friendly pill while I address the guys.

Now guys I understand it may feel better without your contraception. But what won’t feel or look good is when your penis is constantly on fire and your scrotum (that word makes me chuckle) has warts on them the size of an orange. There is probably more STD’s than girls you would ever sleep with, so why chance it?

Now this one is a toss up, cause it’s equally scary for both men and women. It’s called HIV/AIDS. Yeah the shit that fucks up your immune system and eventually kills you (unless you're Magic Johnson). Not something you should want to chance. So here’s contraception to the rescue to lessen your chances and you turn your back on it. That’s just wrong. And contraception came to me, holding back tears… Contraception just wanted me to tell you that you’re a dumb ass.

Seriously I know I don’t want any kids anytime soon. I sure as hell don’t want any STD’s, HIV/ AIDS… nope none of that sounds too delightful to me. So if you're on the same page then contraception will be your BFF. No slaps today cause I want to make sure you're in the right state of mind when you go: buy that pack of condoms, go get your prescription for birth control, go get your shot or even a vasectomy (guys), tube tied for the ladies. Along with this PSA, going to get tested is also a smart idea. I’m outta here for now, but be safe or I will slap you.

Lazy Asses & Riding Coat tails

2009-06-21T02:53:00.004-04:00

I’m sick of you lazy ass people not doing anything with your life. Like getting real, getting some ambition, hopes, dreams, and goals and accomplishing something with your life. I’ve heard a million excuses from various people and really its not that serious. Sitting at home all day everyday not doing shit is really sad. No, not just because you left the house to go do groceries or get an oil change did you make any significant change.

Maybe a job is not in the cards cause of our sucky ass economy but there is more to do. School, online school, a hobby… Just frigging do something to better your life. In case you didn’t realize your age is not going backwards like Benjamin Button so people go start honing some skill or update your resume. Just stop being a waste of natural resources. You deserve more than a slap, today you get a special punch in the mouth. If I offended you then I’m NOT SORRY…. Poof now go have a life!

Another issue I need to address is another kind of lazy. Mofo's that like to ride your coat tails. Now that shit is just unacceptable. If you took the time to decide that you're going to do something with your life, then take an extra step and stop waiting for others to make your situation better. Like wtf people get serious!! I suggest if you do want to ride someone's coat tails then stay the f__ away from me cause I will turn around and back hand the shit out of you. Damn my blog was more like a rant. Too much negative. So here's my positive...... ummmm.... oh Happy Father's DAY!!!

God/Jesus and or Virtual Villagers/ The Sims

2009-06-20T18:27:00.009-04:00

So really random thoughts cross my mind whenever I have too much time. Today just so happens to be one of those days. This blog may offend some as far as religion or faith goes. STOP READING NOW!!!

Okay so now that I gave my little disclaimer it’s time to have the crazies who did not stop reading try to burst down the door and perform an exorcism on me. Well in my moment of thought I asked myself: Ayesha? (which is myself)… Ayesha do you think this whole god thing is a hoax? So I asked a few of my friends if they believed in god and they said yes. But then I thought what if they're just saying yes cause there scared to be struck by lighting (which would be pretty mean of this god anyway).

What if you found out that the Bible and all the stories you grew up hearing where written just to keep you occupied or, a pastor was just a really good motivational speaker and, all that offering money could have bought you those really cute Aldo boots that you wanted for last winter?

If there is a god… I feel like maybe he is just playing a big ass game of Virtual Villagers or The Sims with all of us. On virtual villagers you grab your little people on the island and put them in front of the task you would like them to perform and sometimes they walk away or stay and become masters. How do you know god is not doing that? I would really like someone to tell me what makes their faith so strong? Since I have to slap someone, it would be all the crazies that just take religion too far….. Example: I’m going to blow myself and the rest of you mofo’s up in the name of (my faith) type of people. BYE BITC*ES, don't forget Fathers Day tomorrow.

FUCK

2009-06-19T23:16:00.004-04:00

So I forgot Matt's birthday too. The only difference between Ayesha and myself is Ayesha hasn't gotten a chance to speak to Matt since before his birthday. I, on the other hand, have talked to Matt very close to everyday (every other day at least) before and since his birthday.

Normally I would give an excuse, and while mine is a good one in my opinion, there is no excuse for missing his birthday by 2 weeks and never saying Happy Birthday. (Especially after I publicly stated that Matt should be slapped).

Normally I would do some very mushy "Matt is so special to me" line, but instead I will do something that doesn't happen very often...

I have slapped myself four times: Once for missing his birthday, once for talking to him since his birthday, once for being such a bad friend and once ::sigh:: for telling others to slap the shit out of him a few days ago.

I hereby retract that request, seeing as he's already been backhanded by his friend Ken for me (THANKS KEN!). It would be cruel to have the request up and have people still slapping him, no matter how much I wanted that to happen...

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!!!!

I Love You, Man!!! (if you noticed, between me and Ayesha, you're Happy Birthdays are the color of the White Star Line!)

I Made a Ooops

2009-06-19T22:39:00.005-04:00

So you know how you forget to tell someone really important thank you or

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT....

Well I was that person. I admit to such treason and hope that Matt will forgive me. Seeeeee... What took place was I meant to tell you but.... (slap myself) no excuses. Happy Birthday Matt!!!

(even though it was like a week ago). Im sending you a virtual chocolate monkey from Crispers and I hope that somewhere down in your titanic overly obsessed heart you will pretend this whole thing never happened. People learn from this lesson and remember to tell your father Happy Father's Day. TAA DAA Bitches I'm out!

Bank Bitch Slap (Delayed)

2009-06-19T17:02:00.002-04:00

It's not quite a FAIL yet. I'm pushing my all out onslaught on Bank of America back until Monday. I wanted to wait for my secret weapon to be ready.... *insert mad scientist laugh here*

Don't worry. This shit is going down!!!

Bank of America Ass Raped Me!

2009-06-18T23:59:00.005-04:00

A lot of people complain to me about Bank of America and their services. To be honest, I've never had a problem with them... until two days ago...

They fucked up something on my account and gave me 5 OVERDRAFT FEES! If you're unaware how much an overdraft fee costs with Buttfucking Steal Your Money America, it's $35 a piece. They charged me $175 in overdraft fees in one day because of $40 of insufficient funds AFTER I fixed the muthafucking problem. I had $29 in my account, and they just took out those fees because they wanted to! (It's more complex than this, so I gave you the cliffnotes).

So what is a disgruntled customer supposed to do? I had a sit down today and decided to call their customer service. I should call it customer DISservice. I couldn't reach anyone. I went through every channel, every automated statement trying to hear the magic words "Talk to a Representative." Nothing. Couldn't find it. But they did remind me how fucked I am with my account and let me know I can hang up at anytime. They couldn't see which finger I was holding up, but I hoped that in their headquarters they could feel it!

So I went online and did something I found completely absurd: I talked to a representative through their online instant messenger application. WTF! Really? How am I supposed to relay the full extent of my hate for them through IM? Should I really use an "Angry Face?"

>:-0

I don't like to because I often use that as my "I'm so pissed you jizzed in my eye! Why do I still have my mouth open for you" face. I would hate to send the wrong message...

After 30 minutes of internet foreplay, she dashed my dreams of ever getting anything good out of it for myself. She simply told me that it wasn't a bank error so she couldn't do anything for me. It is a bank error! I wouldn't be IMing you if it was my fault! I tried to be polite and thank her for her help. That bitch had the audacity to say "the pleasure was all mine." Of course it was! You just ass raped me and got away with it! FUCKING BITCH! (If you IM with a representative name Kirstie, let her know I'm coming to fuck her up!)

Here at SBP, we always talk about who needs a bitch slap; today it's Bank of America. But I want to do something we haven't had the opportunity to do yet: I'm actually going to BITCH SLAP Bank of America tomorrow! If you hear reports of a crazy man bitch slapping employees at a bank, you know it's me. I'll have a conclusion for you guys tomorrow. Wish me luck!

BOOM! HEAD SHOT!

2009-06-18T23:35:00.003-04:00

I'm all about slapping bitches, but when i can't, I like to see people get hit with stuff. I know that it says what's going to happen, but the anticipation and the eventual result is just so good!

Christian Bale parody?

2009-06-16T18:27:00.003-04:00

So I was looking for a trailer for the new Michael Cera film "Youth in Revolt." While I didn't find it, I did find an interesting clip of Mr. Cera freaking out on set. While I don't believe he can have an aggressive bone in his body, it would concern me if this was real. But my better judgement says that it's just a parody of Christian Bale's Terminator freakout. Even so, no one is laughing. While watching, I want to laugh, but if it's for real, I'd feel like crap. Either way it's entertaining.

Ok, it has to be a joke because while none of the things he says are funny, it just comes off funny because it's the awkward Superbad kid. Good joke Mr. Cera.

Are you in close proximity to Matt?

2009-06-16T18:22:00.005-04:00

Then you should slap him. A few days ago I said something to him and he inferred that I was working in pornos. Does he not know me? Would I EVER be in a porno? HELL MUTHAFUCKING NO! It's been in the back of my mind since he said that to me. So please slap the shit outta him, if only so that he can regain his common sense.

The Homeless and the Gym Bunny

2009-06-16T16:53:00.003-04:00

So I went to the gym for the first time in awhile today. I always go on the bike first so I sat down and began to peddle away. That was when I saw him; the new face at the gym. And he was FIIIINNE!!!! And for the first time ever I could tell that he was actually gay! It was my first gay sighting at the gym, which should have happened sooner because gays love the gym.

He was wearing a tiny, tight wifebeater that beautifully hugged his hot latino body. And he had a face to die for. Like those really hot guys in those telenovellas that you watch just because he's on it and you can't turn away so you continue to watch it even though the only phrase you know in Spanish is "May I use the bathroom?" (or is that just me? whatever.)

And he had this pair of shorts... ok, let me talk about the shorts for a second. They were a huge distraction. They ended a little above mid-thigh, which with his long dancer's legs, meant they were even shorter than they were supposed to be. And when I said dancer's legs, I meant that the muscles in his thighs alone can crush a watermelon, which made me imagine what it could do to me ;-). And I should point out, I have this crazy thing for legs. I don't know what it is, but a nice pair of calves that leads to a nice pair of thighs which becomes a nice sexy butt... look! At least I'm not some crazy foot guy! But yeah, he was a sight to behold. And in a gym full of straight guys who wear shorts below the knee, I finally got something to stare at!

And stare at it I did. I couldn't help myself. At one point I realized I was peddling so slowly, my machine shut off. That's how mesmerized I was by this hottie. Anyway, I finally finished up on the bike and moved on to my weight exercises. As I walked over, I ran into him again. He was sitting on one of the three machines that I use... right in the middle. This meant I would have to sit next to him; close proximity if I wanted to finish my workout. I ended up circling the gym floor, trying to wait him out so I didn't have to sit by him. Then I realized that I WANT TO SIT BY HIM. I went back over to the machine next to him and sat down, happy to be able to stare at him in the mirror in front of us so he wouldn't catch me looking (anymore).

Then I saw it. Something that I had not seen before. This homeless guy was at the gym, working on the machines. What's more disturbing is that the homeless guy was me! I realized I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. I looked a HOT MESS. My hair and beard were overgrown, looking like someone who forgot what self grooming was. For the first time in history, my face decided to completely breakout. I looked like I smeared pizza grease all over my face. And then I saw what I was wearing: a brown T-shirt, bright blue sweat pants and black skater shoes. I was embarrassed to be out with myself.

I finished my machine workouts in a state of pity and self loathing. I was supposed to go work out on the elliptical, which I decided against seeing as the only one left was the one right next to him.

From now on, I need to do a mirror check before I go to the gym. And just to add how perfect this guy was, when he walked by me, after working out as hard if not harder than me, he smelled delightful. Like a bunch of fucking roses. I on the other hand, smelled like ass.

And I wanted to add something. I felt like a creeper talking so much about his legs but I'm like a sweet Mormon child compared to Matt. He takes pictures of legs he likes on his iPhone. Yet another reason why that phone is unhealthy for him.

I want to be this guy.

2009-06-13T22:51:00.003-04:00

While I'm all about smacking a bitch, sometimes you just gotta dance. And what do you do when no one else is partying? Bring the party to them! No matter how long it takes (or how awkwardly executed it is).

Fuck

2009-06-12T01:08:00.001-04:00

I broke the tip of my pencil. I seriously need to slap a bitch now...

Dumb A** People Need To Be Slapped

2009-06-04T14:26:00.004-04:00

So you know that dumb ass person that is always claiming to help you but you seem to be in a worse position than you were before. I know that dumb ass person and right now I want to slap the fuck out of that _ _ _ _ _ (use your imagination for that word). I have been trying to turn over this new positive leaf and to that I say " FUCK IT".

This particular _ _ _ _ _ is an elder and it's the only thing stopping me from flipping out. But in my mind I really just want to slap her until she swallows her dentures. The dumb ass _ _ _ _ _ is one of those older people that are convinced anyone in their 20's are clueless as to what is going on in the world. Monkey nuts is what I will call her, decided that she wanted to tell me how to write an email. Like what kind of shit is that? Get real!!

If you know a dumb ass like this regardless of sex, age or creed I say just slap them. Slap the bitch HARD and then laugh in their face. It will feel good I promise. Virtually Slapping Money Nuts!

The Gay Apocalypse is upon Us!

2009-05-27T19:00:00.004-04:00

Ok. So yesterday was the worst day ever to be a gay man.

The announcement of the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop 8 was met with both cheers and tears. All the same sex couples that got hitched before the passing of Prop 8 are relieved to hear that their marriages are indeed legal, but they still upheld Prop 8. Now that's some bullshit.

If things couldn't get any worse, they announced that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is finally going to become a movie. Sounds like a good thing right? WRONG! Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind the cult television show and critically acclaimed comic series has nothing to do with it. In fact, none of the original cast are even being considered for it. The bitches who made the original piece of shit movie are the ones with the rights. They plan on trying to reboot the franchise in Star Trek fashion. And they are not going off of the TV series (you know, the whole reason people liked Buffy in the first place!), which means that leaves no room for series favorites like Willow, Xander, Spike, Angel, Faith, Giles and Dawn. And what about Buffy herself? They say she might not even be in it! They might go with a new slayer and friends! WTF is that! They want to do a "darker, grittier Buffy reboot." Buffy doesn't need a fucking reboot! The show only ended a few years ago! Season 8 (the comic for those of you who don't have gay friends who go buy it on new comic day) is a HUGE success! Do yourself a favor, call up Whedon so he can just bring everyone back and do this shit right!

You know who I blame this on? Fucking Twilight! Yeah, you knew this was coming. Everyone's vampire crazy now, so why not bring back the biggest name in vampires since Dracula? Fucking Twilight! You're inadvertently raping everything the made growing up good for me! Don't take away my one sacred thing! This is taking a big shit all over Buffy. Just do a movie continuing the series! No one wants to see some stupid Buffy the Vampire movie without Whedon or the cast. Oops I'm sorry! Buffy might not even be in it! I should have said "____ the Vampire Slayer!" AHHHH GAY TANTRUM!

As me and Matt sharpen our stakes and prepare the Scoobies to fuck up some bitches, I wanted to leave you with this awesome trailer for a documentary called "Outrage." Hey all you anti-gay marriage people! You should check those conservative Republicans that you follow so blindly. Next time you talk to them, check to see if their breath smells like dick. Chances are it does!

My Secret Lover (I Have Issues)

2009-05-27T18:04:00.006-04:00

So I have a secret love affair with one of my neighbors... he just doesn't know it yet.

I really don't have a type I guess, but when someone asks my normal answer is: "A guy who can fix my roof/car/sink, who loves watching sports, doesn't think the mall is a fun pastime and doesn't know the difference between a Marc Jacobs dress with Jimmy Choos and a Wal Mart potato sac maternity dress with Crocs." In other words, I basically want a straight guy who just happens to like having sex with men (more specifically me). I guess I have a thing for manly men; like the kind who should be in Brawny commercials. The ones who can barely dress themselves and who always seems to be sweating from doing something active. And that's exactly what my secret lover is like...

I have lived by him coming up on 12 years and I've never even said a word to him. I just drive by his house real slowly and stare without any regard to anyone else on the road. Not stalker like at all. And he's always riding around on his ATV or cleaning off his truck from all the muddin. Yes, my secret lover is SO Redneck! A boat, an ATV, dirt bikes; he has them all. And if he's in the front trying to fix up that broken down truck, don't even talk to me. I want to just sit on the other side of the road with a glass of lemonade, watching as the sun shines down on his shirtless, Adonis body as he takes apart that old junker...

Oh jeez! I have a thing for the redneck guys! Come to think of it, every time I flip through the channels and accidentally stop on CMT, I'm usually greeted by some really hot cowboy singing that I want to make my boyfriend. But who can blame me? They can be so hot. I just need to find the right one. You know, the one without the Confederate Flag, the everlasting love for Jesus and that burning desire to place a burning cross on my lawn. It can't be that hard can it?

The car he actually drives is the called SIN WAGON! I would like a ride in the Sin Wagon. I'd introduce him to sins he's never even heard of before :)

Sticking to the "Nick has Man Issues" theme, I'd like to briefly discuss something that I'm quite embarrassed of. I was watching THS Investigates Prison Love, and I was wondering how these women/men can be crazy enough to get involved with these prisoners. Then I saw a website called WriteaPrisoner.com. Just being bored and curious I went on to check it out. Did you know that there are some hot ass niggas in prison? I mean, places filled with hot, desperate men and I'm NOT there! Now that's a crime within itself! I've always joked about how I'm desperate enough for a boyfriend, that I'd go to prison, but DAMN! It's looking like a possibility.

And now I know how those people on the special can be so crazy. Because I am. I'm not stupid though. Trying to date someone who's in prison/getting out is so crazy and I would never do that. Or would I? I mean, I'm not going to try and go for a murderer, rapist or child molester. That's sick! But what's so wrong with aggravated robbery? In this economy, I'd steal everything I could get my hands on if I was good at it (and believe me, I am). But I have a conscience so that wouldn't happen either.

But I did see this fine ass muthafucker who only did a little robbery. He's reformed, got his edjumacation and did I mention that he's FINE??? And he gets out very soon. To send him a message or not? Oh I really have issues...

There's an App for that!

2009-05-20T01:16:00.002-04:00

Or at least I WISH there was an app for that. This is an awesome parody of the iPhone commercials. Of course there's a million of them out there, but I just love how wrong this is. I post this in honor of Matt: I hope your iPhone comes back to life. I know this is a very trying time for you so I hope this puts a smile on your face... until you realize that your phone is still going to die...

I'm in MIAMI BITCH!!!

2009-05-16T19:37:00.007-04:00

... ok more like Aventura but it doesn't matter. Thursday was the best day ever! My friend Kristie came to visit me from LA for part of her birthday weekend. I was so excited to see her since it's been a year since we were last in the same city together. So what do we do to celebrate our reunion? We spent the two days together going to the Drive-in, the beach, the mall (twice), lunches and dinners, and one of the coolest clubs ever. But how do we kick it off? How about go to the Aventura Mall, specifically Kate Spade, and go see... DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
We waited around at the store with some serious fashionistas, sipping champagne and checking out the fashions of the store. And then, it was announced... the one and only TIM GUNN is about to come out! Please play the song! Tim Gunn is coming out!
I almost died! I don't feel like I'm the kind of guy who would freak out about celebrities, but I was pretty sure that I was going to start crying hysterically. He is just as awesome as you would think he is. He came out with some important Kate Spade lady who, in the grand scheme of things, really didn't matter. I mean, she's standing next to Tim FUCKING Gunn, we don't care about you bitch! The two of them talked about the importance of accessories to an outfit and dressed a model up and down, giving the audience pointers for a variety of situations. It was quite informative. And you could tell he wasn't just being a celebrity pushing some product. At one point he even talked about clothes that weren't even at the store. He was very real.

Oh! And he loves the word Whimsy. It's a good word. He even said "Make it Work!" and "Carry On!" without even trying like other lame people do with their catchphrases. It just comes out naturally. That's just the way he talks. How cool is that?

I was three feet away from Tim Gunn. All that separated me from him was two handbags and a little girl, who by the way, was the cutest thing ever (the little girl, not the handbag, but that was also cute). There were many Q &A moments and during one the 9 year old girl raised her hand and said "Can you look at me designs?" She had a little portfolio filled with sketches and it was the sweetest thing ever. But then again, she got to have one on one time with Tim because of it, so I'm jealous of the little... girl. I would call her something else, but that's just wrong. But I have no reason to be jealous (even though I do). It was so awesome. Besides...
Guess who's jealous of me and Kristie? You are Bitch!!!!

I've Never Seen it, but apparently it's THAT GAY

2009-05-16T19:06:00.006-04:00

I've never seen Top Gun, but now I need to. Apparently it's the gayest thing ever. This clip has made me a believer. A gay coming of age story. Who wants to have a Top Gun movie night with me?

Gym Memoirs: 05/06-05/12

2009-05-12T20:14:00.004-04:00

So my life revolves around the gym now, and I find that that's where all my awkward moments happen. No matter how much I keep to myself or how focused I am on the workout, I'm always stuck in a "hide my face" moment. I've been behind with writing about stuff so I figured I'd catch you up:

I was on the bike, cycling away, when I saw this old lady come by my bike and she looked like she was ready to go. She was about to attack the bike next to me. Like hardcore. Halfway into my workout, I look over to see that while she was speeding away on the bike, that she had forgotten to choose any program on the bike. So technically it wasn't even on. Thirty minutes of her pedaling away and she didn't even break a sweat. She left complaining that she didn't get anything out of the workout...

The trainers have noticed I'm the guy who's REALLY into his music. I'm constantly mouthing the words to the songs I'm listening to as I work out. When I cool down, you can find me sorta dancing to the music. I thought that was normal; apparently it isn't. They all walked by once, bobbing their heads with me and smiling. Then I realized that I had become something of an attraction at the gym. One of the guy trainers, who I never noticed before, walked by me twice smiling. He was SO HOT! Then I realized that someone in my sweatpants had noticed that fact as well...

Today was a special day though. It was like a two for one embarrassing day:

I ended up working out next to my secret gym crush. He's the towering, hot silent type. We were on the elliptical machines, just going at it, when I noticed that his very defined arms where sweaty... no... glistening. Then there was about five minutes that I can't account for. All I can remember is that I was fucking him with my eyes, my mouth was dropped, and I'm pretty sure I started to drool...

I was adjusting a seat on the one of the weight machines, when a very hot guy I never saw before started to walk by. I went to sit on the seat and well... You know the Tower of Terror at Disney? My reaction would have been more appropriate on that ride. I fell down to the bottom rung on the seat with a loud crash that everyone in the gym heard. Oh, and I yelled like a little bitch. The hot guy gave the cutest smile as he walked by and even talked to me a little as he was coming back from the water fountain. That made my day. I'm just glad I didn't scream like a little girl like I always do...

I lied. Three for one. I was walking into the locker room to use the restroom before I left and I almost ran into a naked old man. I turned the corner and within a split second I jumped out of the way of his extremely saggy front side. With my hands in the air, I yelled "DONE" and ran out...

Can't wait to see what the gym has in store for me tomorrow!

Going to Hell is my Thing

2009-05-11T19:53:00.010-04:00

Ok, so I make fun of 9/11, you wanna fight about it? I can't say, "Oh, my cousin was there." or "Oh, my sister's best friend's aunt was on a plane." so I don't actually have any reasoning for why it's okay to make fun of 9/11 other than the fact that I think it's funny. But this bitch was also making fun of swine flu while it was out there doing it's thing, and if I was alive when Titanic sank I probably would have been making Titanic jokes. Honestly, I know it sucked, bad, like really bad, but the opportunity is always there to make a joke. If something SUCKS EPICALLY I enjoy saying, "Man, this is worse than 9/11..."

Okay, so you understand my messed-up side of this subject. And if anyone out there who reads SBP Handbook did have anyone related to the tragedy experience hell or a loss, I apologize, but I won't apologize if you yell at me for making jokes and you just defend 9/11 because that's the American thing to do. Go play Twin Tower Tetris then. I'm gonna make fun of 9/11, Muslims, the British, God, ants, myself, rednecks, and everyone else who sucks once in a while [and honeys, we ALL suck once in a while...]

Wanda Sykes is a famous comedian who recently had the privilege of speaking at the White House Correspondents Dinner for our president and selected elected officials. She's a black democratic lesbian, so you can pretty much tell she falls on the left just a bit. But apparently she is in some hot water for making a joke mainly about Rush Limbaugh that had a reference to 9/11. Check it out.

So yeah. Mr. President also happened to smile at that joke? Un-American, or is it still too soon? It's not like I'm making fun of some poor guy who was trapped on the top floor of the North Tower. It's not like Ms. Sykes was making light of the murder of all those innocent people on the planes. I think she's making fun of Rush Limbaugh, and making fun of Rush Limbaugh is like cornbread: ain't nothing wrong with that.

Tremors at Tire Kingdom

2009-05-11T14:45:00.001-04:00

So I am trapped in the waiting room all day. It's not so bad except for the earthquake machine sitting by me. If when you snore you're categorized as a natural disaster for Californians, then don't punish the public by falling asleep outside of your own bed. It may be relaxing for you, but my ears are bleeding... Seriously, we're hitting 8.6 on the Richter scale over here. Headphones, you are my Savior!

Oh fuck! I just felt an aftershock!

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

I Had My Bloody PERIOD...

2009-05-06T01:15:00.006-04:00

And it hurt like a bitch!

Now you may be wondering "Hey Nick! Aren't you someone who's attached to a penis, which in turn means you can't have a period?" Well first of all, YOU DON'T KNOW ME! How would you know if I had my period or not? Do you go tampon shopping with me? I think not...

I should let you know, I know a lot about periods (and I'm quite scared of them). I had very awkward run-ins on my bus when it comes to the topic of the blood flow from down below. There was the one tirade by this crazy bitch screaming for all of us to hear "That's my tampon string you ignorant bitch! I'M ON MY PERIOD!" (I should let you know, she totally said that like the angry Incredible Hulk). Or the fact that we decided to do very stupid things like have tampon wars, where we fire tampons at each other and squirt fake red gunk at each other. Ok, I need to stop talking about high school. I'm embarrassing myself.

But if we can touch on that stupid bitch on the bus for a moment: OF COURSE we know you're on your period! It's not our problem that we can ALL see your tampon string hanging out. Of course we're going to laugh at you. You brought that on yourself.

But in any case, back to me and my man period. I guess I should say that there was no blood flow happening over here, but it wasn't a cake walk either. I had to deal with something that all you ladies all have to deal with: MUTHAFUCKING CRAMPS! Ok, it was A CRAMP. But it hurt so bad for so long. I was so miserable. I couldn't move for hours. I just laid in my bed, wanting to end my life. And what did I do to deserve this? I woke up this morning. Fucking Life...

Anyway, I got great advice from a female friend, who also happens to know a thing or two about periods and cramps (Go Figure!). So I took some aspirin, laid on a heating pad, and had some comfort food. I was going to lay there and watch the new episode of Gossip Girl I had missed. I was so excited! But when I went to the CW online, I was not greeted by a new GG episode. They STILL hadn't posted it! WTF! How could they do this to me? How could God do this to ME? I was in hell and they were taking away the ONE THING that would bring me joy!

Don't they know I was on my period?

Worst/Best Line from a Movie Ever!

2009-05-06T01:02:00.002-04:00

I hear that the movie Shark Attack is pretty terrible. So a clip from Shark Attack 3 isn't very promising... But I recently found out that this line is a REALLY big deal. I'm always late to the party...

Anyway, it is quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever heard! So I should set up the scene (or at least what other people tell me the scene is): their good friend just died by a shark attack. So as you're watching the scene, try and figure out what doesn't belong.

Mind My Chester French

2009-05-04T15:53:00.008-04:00

I love music, but it's not everyday that an artist/band comes out with music that completely and utterly rocks my face off. Enter the boys of Chester French. They have been on heavy rotation ever since their mixtape "Jacques Jams, VOL. 1: Endurance" hit the interweb.

This is about the time that I talk about my favorite tracks, but I can't do that. It would be wrong to just talk about just one. This is the most complete album I've heard in a very long time and it's just a free online mixtape. Yes FREE! It tells a story, with great, hilarious skits in between, that talks about their rise from Harvard graduates, to making their debut album and hanging out with the likes of Pharrell and Diddy. I honestly can't believe that an album this awesome exists. If I were to ever make an album, this is exactly how it would be.

It mixes rock, hip hop, soul and everything in between. And it's not some crazy mix-match that doesn't make sense. It just flows together seamlessly. It just freakin works! Let's not even talk about the guest stars on the mixtape. Ok, let's name them: Diddy, Pharrell, Common, Talib Kweli, Bun B, Janelle Monae, Pusha from the Clipse, Solange, Jadakiss, Cassie and Jermaine Dupri among others. Yeah, it looks like I'm not the only one who's caught the Chester French bug...

Their debut album, "Love the Future," just came out and from what I've seen, has been getting some great reviews. I'm waiting to buy the album (yes, I said BUY not DOWNLOAD), because I'm not sure which package I want to buy from them. I'm actually a VIP member so I have SO many choices. Oh, and if you're wondering if their awesomeness is just being blown out of proportion by my fanboy ways, I should let you in on some of the packages they offer: I can have them play basketball with me and hang out, come have a slumber party at my house where they cook breakfast and serenade my mother, OR going on a freakin African Safari with them! Yeah, they're that awesome...

If you want to check out the mixtape (which i know you do), you can download it from their website:

http://www.chesterfrench.com/mixtape/

I'll have a review of their debut album when I finally decide what package I'm getting. Who wants to see me on an African Safari? Cross your fingers...

The Most Interesting Commercial in the World

2009-05-04T15:37:00.003-04:00

I'm totally obsessed with the "The Most Interesting Man in the World" commercial by Dos Equis. I don't drink Dos Equis; I don't even drink that much beer for that matter. But I LOVE this ad. I think it's because I already see myself as the Most Interesting Man in the World... the world just doesn't know this yet. And even if I'm not (although I totally am), it gives me something to aspire to be.

After doing some digging, I found all these other ads. This guy is the new Chuck Norris. Yeah, I said it! He's that awesome.

Was about to go to hell, But I got a black man's approval

2009-05-01T01:17:00.007-04:00

Well everyone, I need to share this video with you. It's pretty epic and you'll see why. There's not much more that can be said about it. You be the judge, whose at fault here?

So, whose going to hell now? Not I!

Matt's Worst Nightmare

2009-04-30T23:45:00.004-04:00

I lost all access to my technology for 2 hours. Two of the most excruciating hours of my life. No Facebook, no computer, no tweeting (I can't believe I just wrote that) and the worst.... no iPhone.

Matt would have died. All he cares about is his iPhone. He almost died when he went without it for a few hours back when we were at school. In fact, the only reason I'm writing this is because he thought it was an important enough event that I needed a post about it. He called it the apocalypse. It's that serious to him...

I did have Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, so that makes up for it... no it doesn't. It was still terrible.

The weird thing is that my Internet was fine. I tried it out on my PS3. But for some reason everything else was haywire. I really think someone is trying to kill me. First destroy my bodily health and now my mental health (it really did drive me crazy).

Conspiracy I tell you!

He Touched Me in My Special Place

2009-04-30T17:20:00.003-04:00

I went on yet another adventure to the post office today. As I stood in the long ass line, a little boy stood next to me. As the line moved, I realized the kid was mimicking me. Everything I did, he did. It was cute at first, then quickly became annoying.

Every time the line moved, I realized the kid was getting closer and closer to me. I soon found the little pest to be practically on top of me. I would have said something but I was currently in a state of shock: Did he just cop a feel?

I'm pretty sure he just grabbed my ass. He didn't brush it; This was full on grab ass! I know what grab ass feels like: my ass has always been a target among my straight friends. This kid was grabbing with a purpose. What was I supposed to do? His parents weren't around and if I made a scene, chances are I'd be the one getting in trouble for being engaged in a compromising situation with a minor.

So I just slid over again and pretended it didn't happen. Maybe it really was in my head. I had to be blowing this out of proportion. But then as I was leaving the line, the kid brushed his hand on my package... and not the one I was mailing.

In some sick way I think I had that coming. I said I wanted guys to start hitting on me more and I guess they have... this one just happened to be 12.

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Bitch Slap the Piggies

2009-04-29T00:43:00.007-04:00

Okay, my vacation is officially over, and now I come back to Florida to worry about this pig shit. I don't understand how the fuck we can go from birds getting us sick, to pigs getting us sick, to some kind of number N1H1 fuck getting us sick, but we gotta fucking stop this shit. Stop using that antibacterial hand soap bitches, you know it's making germs harder to kill. Deal with your little cold or committing a faux pas.

And those masks that all the Mexicans and Chinese are wearing now? What the fuck is that gonna do? You know you're going to go home on the train and touch some bitch's snot on a handrail and get the fucking illness when you take your ugly-ass mask off and pick your nose in the "safety" of your home while no one's watching.

Anyways, if we all start acting smart for once and not like a bunch of collective dumbasses we won't face a massive pandemic.

I'm going to eat some sausage now.

Final Fantasy XIII is going to be EPIC... Brah!

2009-04-28T17:37:00.003-04:00

So I love Final Fantasy and the recent previews and reviews of the demo are awesome. IGN did their own English dub of a scene from the demo and I find it quite fitting. While I know the game won't be like this, a very small part of me wishes it would be. SO FUNNY! I'm getting a nerd boner just thinking about it.

Getting that Winn Dixie Poonani

2009-04-28T15:13:00.004-04:00

So I will never go to Winn Dixie to return anything ever again!

I went to the customer service desk and a really pretty girl walked behind the counter to help me. As she started processing things, we made small talk. Then we had to wait for her manager to come and finish the transaction. That was the LONGEST 15 minutes of my life.

Next time I won't say a damn thing. I realized that my "small talk" had been on the fast track to "dinner and a movie." She started laughing at everything I said, which is normal because everyone laughs at me, but then I saw her playing with her hair flirtatiously. I knew I was in trouble. I kept looking for the fucking manager, but no one was in sight.

She started to sing whatever Natasha Bedingfield song that was playing throughout the store as I awkwardly nodded my head to the beat and searched for the manager. After the song, she proclaimed that we just had a cute little duet. Bitch, if it was a duet I would have been singing too, not trying to pretend you weren't there!

This girl was bold. Bolder than I could ever hope to be. She let me know that she was going to be off of work in 40 minutes. That's nice. Like I care? Let me get my money back so that I can fucking leave. But no, she had to say it: "Are you hungry? Wanna go grab something after I get off?"

HELL NO I'M NOT HUNGRY! WHERE MY MONEY AT BITCH?

I proceeded to let her know that I had just ate. I then witnessed the excitement wash away on her face. While I'm flattered by her asking me out, I'm just not that into her. Well, I'm just not that into vagina to be exact.

Why is it that girls constantly throw themselves at me but I can't get any play with guys? Any guys at all! I'm not fucking picky. You point out a guy and 9 times out of 10 I'd hit that. I might not tell people about it, but I'd hit that nonetheless. Just my luck, it's only girls who want to get into my pants. I'm so sick of chicks hitting on me. Am I giving off some type of "I like to Fuck Vagina" pheromone or something? I need to give off "Nick Likes Mangina" from now on. Maybe I should just be blatantly obvious: write "Nick for Dicks" on my forehead. Ugh!

And I should explain my state of dress... I had just come back from the gym, I took a quick shower, put on my raggedy bum clothes and went to the store. I was NOT looking cute. Yet somehow I was a chick magnet.

So finally the manager came and processed the return. I watched as the girl tried to secretly talk about me to the manager who also happened to be female. Too bad they were right in front of me and not the least bit discreet. The girl reached for the pen on the counter but touched my hand "by mistake." The pen was WAY on the other side of the counter. She just wanted to hold my hand, which would have been cute to me if she was blessed with a penis. I wrote down my information, took my receipt and said goodbye, to which she giggled and said "You made my day! I'll see you around." Yeah... no, I'm going to Publix from now on.

Then it remembered when I got to my car... I had to write down my phone number on the store receipt. Now this girl has my phone number. I give up! Time to go to the dark side... The Poonani side.

Love Story in the Walgreens Parking Lot

2009-04-24T17:39:00.001-04:00

This old lady was fucking me with her eyes as I was getting in my car to leave. She was on her break, smoking a cigarette and looked like she's been around the block a few times. I'm pretty sure she was imagining sucking me off as she went at the cigarette in her mouth.

Could it have been my cut off jean shorts? My cute ass Hurley shirt? Or the Nick and Norah soundtrack bangin from my '04 Jetta?

But nonetheless, we had a moment. And I broke her heart as I drove away.... grillin as I gave her my stank face.

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

I Deserve a Merit Badge in Creepiness

2009-04-23T21:11:00.000-04:00

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I was on my way to my friend Vanessa's house for a fun evening together, when something strange happened. I looked over at the car next to me and I saw a very hot guy beside me. I saw in his back window a uniform hanging. So of course I got turned on. Who doesn't like a hot guy in uniform?

Then I realized what kind of uniform it was: Boy Scouts. Tell me why my initial reaction was to wonder if he's one of those leaders who loves the little boys? What's more disturbing is that my mind thought that if he was, then maybe I had a shot with him; because if he liked boys then he must obviously like men.

WTF is wrong with me. So apparently I want a pedo boy scout leader. Yeah, I have issues. Please slap me!

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

This is exactly how I feel...

2009-04-22T22:53:00.003-04:00

This one's for Josh. I posted it on my Facebook, but I have to keep sharing it.

Keri Hilson: Finally Getting Her Due

2009-04-22T19:45:00.005-04:00

NOW STOP! NOW LET ME SEE YA BOOTY DROP!

I absolutely love Keri Hilson's debut album "In a Perfect World." It's been the soundtrack to my life since it came out. I feel like I need to just make a segment called: "Nick's Favorite Things." But then Oprah would ass rape me with lawsuits, and who would dare intentionally bring about the wrath of God? Fuck that. This is "Nick's Objects that he Somewhat Cares About." Eat that God!

*shakes fist angrily then asks for forgiveness by placing hand on O Magazine*

Anyway, Keri Hilson... she's been writing songs as part of the collective known as The Clutch, writing songs for artists such as Britney Spears, Ciara and Ludacris as well as being featured on multiple songs from artists like Timbaland, Diddy, Llyod Banks and Chris Brown (but he didn't beat her up). She's also made cameos in videos such as Usher's "Love in the Club", Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent" and Nelly's "Party People."

So she's really been hitting the circuit hard, even before releases 4 videos before her debut album's release. It's obvious that she knows what she's doing: her album is BANANAS! (Please spell out Gwen Stefani style).

Her singles have already been very great standouts: "Energy", "Return the Favor", "Turnin' Me On", and the crazy good "Knocks You Down." And the hits don't stop there. Some of my personal favorites, or what I somewhat care about (sorry O), are "Slow Dance", "Intuition", "How Does It Feel", and the club banger "Get Your Money Up." NOW STOP! NOW LET ME SEE YA BOOTY DROP! (I love that part).

The album features Kanye West, Ne-Yo, Lil' Wayne, Keyshia Cole, Trina and Timbaland, but they never overpower her. They actually come off as special guests rather than heavy hitters to make the song good. She does that on her own.

So let me stop gushing over her. Go get this album. 'Nuff Said!

*I would have included Akon above but he sounds like a HOT MESS on "Change Me." If anything, you should check that just to hear how horrible he sounds.

WTF is Organized Living?

2009-04-22T19:18:00.003-04:00

So bitches LOVE Clean House. And apparently the store Organized Living is featured on the show. I found that out the hard way...

"OMG! There's an Organized Living! AHHHHH! We have to go in there! AND everything is 50 to 70 percent off?!?!?! Hell yeah we're going in! AHHHHH!!!!"

This is the scene in the car as my friend Emily spots the store. She obviously let me know how "awesome" it was. I didn't sound excited. She even let me know we didn't have to go in at all. But the moment I said we can go: "AHHHH!!! I'm so excited!"

I was stuck on an adventure with my friend, who I now realized is a raging crack whore. And her crack is obviously Clean House, Niecy Nash and organization (which you would never get looking at her bedroom).

So we walk into the store and it is completely bare. I saw some hangers and some other random nick knacks, but it looked like someone robbed the place. We left with Emily's hope of having her own "Clean House" experience crushed. So ORGANIZED LIVING FAIL!

But there is a bright side: Emily made an ass of herself in the bathroom with her loud obnoxious laugh after I stepped in to mess with her. Apparently there was someone else in there...

Oh! And we went into Golf Galaxy where a worker pondered the philosophical meaning behind my "My Peace is Growing" T-shirt. I didn't think it was appropriate to tell him that it's really talking about my "piece."

High and Mighty Blogger of God

2009-04-16T23:39:00.003-04:00

It's a lot of work to continuously create new content and satisfy a fan base. So I have mad respect for all the authors of the digital era. But I'm not fond of cheaters; especially cheaters those who should know better.

The other day I saw this little forum of bloggers all talking about their blogs and asking for support. But apparently it was a "No Heathens Allowed" zone as they were asking for support from other "Bloggers for Jesus."

I can understand seeking support from like-blogs, but it just felt like they were not trying to support each other. The tone and comments felt more like they were alienating other blogs and acting very "Holier than Thou." Isn't that against the whole Christianity handbook?

What kind of things are you possibly talking about in your blog that we already didn't get? As far as I'm concerned there already was the ultimate blog about your religion. It's called the Bible.

Do you really think you can do the religion thing better than God? If so, prove it. Let me know what you can possibly be in your blog that I need to know that isn't already in Jesus' biographical manuscript? Exactly. Because apparently all you need to know is in that book. So unless you're copying the Bible word for word, your blog is irrelevant.

Go Fuck Yourself. Amen.

Unwanted Gym Penis Exposure

2009-04-15T00:45:00.006-04:00

I've been going to the gym a lot lately, and I'm very unhappy about the constant penis sightings every time I go to the locker room. I'm just trying to go to the rest room and I'm constantly being bombarded with penises from all sides. You would think that this would be a good thing for me, right?

It's never like those wonderful gay locker room fantasies. Every once and a while you get that sexy ass bitch that gives you the motivation to work your ass off if only for a glimpse. What people don't tell you about the male gym experience is that to get to that random good/great sighting, you have to deal with 1000 sightings that make you want to rip your eyes out.

Old men and vomit inducing excuses for men walking around naked just hanging out like it's nothing. And I've had every scenario: nasty mothafuckas reaching/jumping to grab a towel, bodies that should be covered all the time bending over, old men standing around naked in groups talking about sports. And don't EVER try and tie your shoes! You'll have swinging pendulums trying to attack your face (and not in the good way). I swear someone intentionally tired to bitch slap me with his wang...

And the good sightings really don't end up going well either. What do you mean I'm not allowed to look at your sexy body? If you don't want me to stare, then keep it to yourself you tease! Don't talk to me when I'm taking a piss! I don't want to have a conversation when I'm holding myself unless it ends with it in your mouth!

I just don't want to deal with all that. People are either trying to tempt me or make me throw up on them. I'm not interested in your package unless it's being delivered to my fun zone! If you keep playing games, I'm going to make sure I cum out the winner!

Worst (or Best?) Bitch Slapping Song Ever

2009-04-15T00:13:00.006-04:00

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous "serious" song I've ever heard. I'm all about slapping a bitches/hoes/haters but I think this takes things a bit too far. The title says it all. Fast forward past the stupid crap in the beginning (no pun intended). All that matters is the chorus and the dance that she does to go along with it. It's a great visual...

Not for the weak of heart. If you don't like vulgar, course language then don't click play. Then again, if you don't like that then wtf are you doing at this site?

Nick Hangs with Darth Vader in Emo Church

2009-04-10T22:31:00.008-04:00

I'm a self described heathen. As you can tell from most of my posts, I'm going to hell. I've accepted that. Jesus and I have been locked into a love/hate roller coaster ride for most of my life that I have come to expect. At this point, I wouldn't have it any other way. But tonight I decided I would go to a Good Friday service. As someone who should spontaneously combust when just thinking about a church, I should know better. Why would I do this? I'm not even sure...

I was sure God was giving me a sign NOT to go, considering he threw every obstacle in my way. For some reason I chose to ignore it and go, even if I was going to be 15 minutes late. That's okay. I just missed the prayer, and who wants to be around for that boring mess?

I've never been to an Episcopal church before. I'm not talking about the ones where they embrace my heathenhood and like to be different and unique. I'm talking about the high churchy ones. The ones that are so catholicy, you wonder why they left the Pope in the first place. Boy was I in for a treat!

I walked into a big beautiful cathedral. I couldn't have decorated it better myself. Ayesha could, but for me, it was perfect. There was low lighting and everyone was just sitting there seemingly depressed. I immediately felt that "I'm at a funeral" feeling. But looking back, we are talking about the funeral of Jesus. I should have been more respectful. How come no one told me that Good Friday for Episcopal church was all doom and gloom?

I sat down in the back which I want to call the SHS (Standard Heathen Seating) section. I waited there awkwardly until something happened. Then God spoke to us.... and he sounded like Darth Vader.

I've never freaked out so much in my life. Where in the world was James Earl Jones? And why didn't anyone tell me he was the voice of God? I always thought that was Morgan Freeman's job. Well it turns out some guy was reading passages from the Bible that Jesus spoke. Even though I knew this, every time he spoke, I readied my light saber for battle.

Anyway, the service was SOOOO CREEPY! It was so dark and emo, I was surprised that ushers didn't hand out razor blades for us to cut ourselves for Jesus. The choir didn't help the situation. Don't get me wrong; they sounded beautiful. But they also sounded like creepy monks, and with emo feeling in the air, all I wanted to do was write depressing poetry and paint my finger nails black.

I wish my mind didn't wander. While the service was nice, it certainly didn't keep my attention. I kept thinking that the choir sounded like the Temple of the Fayths from Final Fantasy X. Oh! Or the menu screen from the Halo games. And then I kept thinking how awesome it would be to have an epic fight scene in that place. Like the one from Final Fantasy VII Advent Children. All I wanted to be was Tifa Lockhart up in there. Yeah, my geek flag is showing, Waddaya Wanna Do About It!?!?!?

And then came the end prayer and I.......... Sorry, I fell asleep there. No. I wish I fell asleep there. I was kneeling, leaning on the pew in front of me and I kept feeling myself slip away. I was so comfy, I could have just passed out right there. The last thing I needed to do was start snoring while everyone was celebrating the death of Jesus.

So I went to church and survived. I deserve a T-shirt. Someone make me the "I survived Emo Jesus Day and I didn't cut myself" shirt. And there should be a symbol of a cross and a razor blade, with tears. I'm so emo, my razor blade bleeds tears. It was a good experience though. If you want to live a little, try new things. Whatever you normally do, do the opposite. Heathens: go to church, have a chuckle. Christians: go to the strip club, wrap tracks in dollar bills and put it in the stripper's coin slot. Cuz that's what they really want.

Look, I did an entire post curse free! (I don't want to give God more of a reason to strike me down).

Gotta Slap My Damn Self

2009-04-10T20:42:00.004-04:00

So.... This is the 2nd time Im writing this damn blog so Im a bit pissed. Im completely obsessed with this whole vagina tingling Twilight thing. I have not seen the movie but I am currently on the last chapter of the 3rd book Eclipse and so excited to start the last one. I know I'm going to have PTTS (post traumatic twilight syndrome) after Im done with this whole obsessed ordeal. I never thought I would be bitten by the twilight bug but I should have known better. So I need to be slapped back to reality.

Im also ready to give the author a slap, but I would spare her if she decides to write books for the rest of her life. Now all I need to know is why she would give girls such a hope and faith that men exist like that out there. Edward (my boo in fantasy land) is such a gentleman that only words could create. Like what kind of vampire would hold out of sexing up his human girlfriend, suck her for her precious blood and leave her for dead or at least bite her to keep her as a sex slave. I need to be slapped asap.

Next and not least Im slapping Matthew Titanic loving ass Mother fucking DeWinkleer two times. I asked his ass to send me an email with some info and since I have still yet to hear a response from him I'm laying down 2 huge Titanic size glacier damaged slaps. Then I am slapping Mother Nature for fucking up and messing with the internet connection so I had to post this shit twice. Bye Bitches!!

Kanye and the Gay Fish Scandal

2009-04-10T14:57:00.011-04:00

I can't deny it; I love me some Kanye music. I really do. I have every album. But ask me if I actually bought any of them... I refuse to buy music from such a complete egotistical asshole. I REFUSE! His personality is just ugly to me. And no matter how disgustingly he acts out in public, we all still go out and get his album. I don't like to reward terrible behavior, so I don't.

After dealing with his BITCHASSNESS for such a long time, my dreams were finally answered when South Park decided to take that bitch down a notch. If you haven't seen the episode from two nights ago, GO WATCH IT NOW! Shit's hilarious!

The story starts up with a very cute/funny joke about gay fish. What does gay fish have to do with Kanye West? Everything! The South Park crew weaves a great story around the absurdity that is Kanye West and how exactly the drama queen acts. It was perfect from beginning to end.

But if showing Kanye how big of an ass he is wasn't great enough, there was an entire subplot that leads to Carlos Mencia getting his ass beat! And I REALLY hate Carlos Mencia! Get out of my head Matt and Trey!

Kanye apparently took the whole episode in stride and might actually be turning over a new leaf. It remains to be seen if Kanye will really change or if he's still going to be the big ol' douche that we've all grown to known and put up with.

Twitter: Micro Blog of Dreams

2009-04-10T14:34:00.004-04:00

So I haven't been a big fan of Twitter, but lately I've been getting into it. Yes, it's very sad. I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't get the point. But I'm compelled to do it, and it really isn't that bad.

I will say that there are nice little gems to be found in the Twitter craze. I follow many a celebrity, but I found through the wonders of micro blogging, that even celebrities, who seemingly have it all, have dreams too. This leads to John Mayer. In fact, all roads on Twitter lead to the always chatty, but most times fun singer.

He recently tweeted "It would be fun, just once, to catch the cover of a weekly tabloid and see the headline 'John Mayer Nails Solo to 'Wheel!'" Well it looks like his fairy godmother was listening as OK Magazine decided to grant his wish and digitally create a cover just for him.

Food Just Got Sexier

2009-04-02T17:50:00.006-04:00

It's Official: food now wants to have sex with us. I'm not sure if I really oppose the idea right now. It would make quite the delicious one night stand. You can't tell me that a cannoli isn't asking for you to just stick it in? And I see how some of you guys look at those tacos...

Ok, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I point this out is because every time I watch a food commercial lately, it leaves me wanting... but I'm certainly not hungry if you get what I'm saying. Two such commercials are the new Milky Way and Quiznos commercials.

I have to say, the Milky Way one doesn't really do it for me. Yeah, the Milky Way is talking very sensual and trying to be very discrete, but I want a candy bar that's forceful. It has to let me know what it wants me to do with it. I'm not trying to have an affair with a Whatchamacallit here! I don't want more caramel in every bite! I want you to give me the Milky Way all over my face bitch! (That was for Matt)

Now the Quiznos commercial for their new Torpedo; now that's a sandwich I can hang with. That toaster... yeah, he's a G. From the get go, no playing around. He gets right up in there and let's that guy know what he wants him to do to him. And he makes that sandwich maker his bitch! And once you hear the babymaking music start up, you know it's over. And did you see how they slide that sandwich into the wrapper? The Torpedo wants to do you.

And for a while, all I wanted was a torpedo in my mouth. Yeah, I said it. TORPEDO IN MY MOUTH! And I wasn't the only one thinking it! My friend Emily and I would often comment about how good those torpedoes looked. Eventually, we were craving them every night!

Today I treated Emily on her lunch break to a torpedo. We both took part in the torpedo experience. She had a torpedo, I had a torpedo... this is starting to sound like a really dirty film.

And I gotta tell you, I loved having over a foot long of torpedo in my mouth. I'm a dirty boy.

OK, so the winner is definitely Quiznos torpedo. I mean, once I'm done with the 3-4 inches of Milky Way, I'd be a little disappointed. Maybe even laugh about it with some of my friends. But the torpedo... yeah, that thing can deliver for a LOOOONNNG time.

Here are the commercials, you be the judge.

Jesus and Ice Cream

2009-04-02T17:27:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I choose to be nice to Matt. So this one is for him.

Over at SBP, we love ice cream. We'll fuck you up if you mess with our sweet, delicious icy treat. So when I was talking to Matt the other day, while Titanic references did not make an appearance, ice cream became a welcome topic of conversation. I said something that I wanted to share with you and I'm sure you'd agree:

"It's the creamy frozen treat we suck from God's teet."

Matt found much pleasure in that statement, and I really feel as if that should be the new official tagline for ice cream.
And look at that! Even Jesus loves ice cream MUTHAFUCKA! Wait. If Jesus likes ice cream, then it's pretty disgusting that he's sucking from his own father's teet right? Very incestuous relationship right there. I think I can fix this: Jesus is God so it's not incest right? But then again, if they are both one and the same, then Jesus is just sucking on his own teet right? That's some real stuff to ponder...

Oh and if you're keeping up, I really did just write a post that covered ice cream, teet sucking, God, Jesus and incest. And "teet" count is now at 5. Go me!

Seeing Sounds... It Bitch Slaps Shitty "Hot N Cold" Covers

2009-04-02T17:00:00.007-04:00

So Matt recently posted something about the song "Hot N Cold" which is a song that I absolutely love. The cover on the other hand was a piece of shit that I wanted to smear all over his fucking face. That being said, it's time to bitch slap Matt's post with music that fucks up bitches. Yes, I am indeed calling out Matt's wack ass post in front of everyone! We're very mature over here at SBP...

So everyone needs to check out "Seeing Sounds" from the group N.E.R.D. I fucking love these guys! Be warned, they really aren't for everyone, as the album is a mix-match of different styles and influences. But I can let you know, if you're a lover of lots of different types of music, you'll find the album to be a welcome inclusion into your music library. If you're the type of person who only likes one type of music, there's bound to be a song just for you!

The album has songs that you've bound to hear somewhere: from clubs to commercials. The lead songs off the album include "Everyone Nose (All the Girls Standing in the Line for the Bathroom)", "Spaz", and "Sooner or Later." But it also has a lot of little gems such as "Kill Joy", "Love Bomb" and my personal favorite "Anti Matter."

As for "Anti Matter," we have fond memories over here at SBP. When at school, I would pick up Ayesha before class and we would often blast it in my car, getting hyped up to fuck up bitches in class. Ayesha and I are G's if you didn't know. Listening to the song just makes you want to throw up gang signs, act reckless and belligerent, and pray that some poor soul crosses you so that you can stomp the shit outta them. Sometimes we just want to crush people's sense of self worth and what's better than doing that? Doing it with an awesome soundtrack! Oh, it really is a piece of art...

It's the perfect song to drive slowly in front of an elementary school, blasting it and hoping to scar little children for life. Did you know I'm a great babysitter?

So yeah... Seeing Sounds. It's music to fuck up bitches to. No questions. Just blast it and slap bitches (because that's really what life is all about right?)

Best Cover EVER

2009-03-29T20:28:00.010-04:00

Enough of these gay posts from me, bitches. I have something fun for all you music lovers.

We all know the song "Hot N Cold" by famous girl-kissing Katy Perry. I for one, enjoy the song whenever it's on the radio. And no offense to Ms. Perry, for a long time I thought Pink sang that song. I mean come on, they both have lesbian themes in their work. For Christ's sake, look at Pink and tell me she's not a lesbo! Hard to do, isn't it?

But I digress...

Here's a cover to "Hot N Cold" by the Ukrainian band Los Colorados. You HAVE to check it out!

Don't ignore this, bitch!

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped

2009-03-28T03:08:00.021-04:00

WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!

Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.

PSA

2009-03-27T23:42:00.004-04:00

This is something serious that everyone in life has had to deal with at some time or another and if you have not then the number at the bottom is especially for you. You ever have an annoying ass person that follows you around, shows up to your house or functions uninvited, never gets the hint that no one likes them, even after you make it clear that you want nothing to do with them they shove themselves on you. It's really sad and many of today's youth has to deal with these sad sad desperate ass individuals who have no life.

Im here to solve your problem. I understand that you're just to kind or you may not give a shit like I do, but the person needs any extra hint. Here is your solution: The Rejection Hotline for GA: 4042601318, NY: 2126602245, LA: 310735099. To get rid of that guy/girl calling and leaving voicemail after voicemail when it was just a One Night Stand: 2122013517. For the ones that I think is the worst a person with Body Odor: 6319607171 or Bad Breath: 6309607178. After all of this if the dumb ass still does not get the hint and still decides that you want a hug everyday or hear about their stupid ass life you could always just, SLAP A BITCH!

Staring A** Mofo's & My Chiropractor

2009-03-27T22:07:00.004-04:00

Don't you just hate when people stare in your face like they want to sex you down on the spot? That shit annoys me like no other. Why the fuck cant you just take a damn glimpse? I understand you may like what you see but DAMN!! Then there is the other instance which I understand it maybe hard to look away but ugly people need their privacy to. This morning I'm just minding my business and this couple is staring at me like I was there lover in a past life. Like wtf.... Can I help you, Would you look to cop a feel, Welcome to Good Burger home of the Good Burger can I take your order? No bitch!!! I just need to know what it is I can do to keep you out my face? Since it's Friday I wont slap all the bitches, oh what the heck I cant help it. Im slapping all you big eye, staring bitches that need to get a life.

Im also slapping my damn chiropractor for saying that I need 6 weeks of treatment. I know I don't need that much but he is just trying to get all he can out of the insurance company. When I go to the appointment his dumb ass cracks my neck and says "see you in 2 days". I don't want to see his ass no more. Can you just crack my neck and back and give up this whole 6 week thing. So that dumb ass is getting smacked 2 times, actually 3 times for having that ugly ass decor in his place of business.

Twilight and the Age of Bitch Ass Vampires

2009-03-27T20:06:00.011-04:00

I'm going to be assassinated after this post. I will miss you all. But honestly, FUCK TWILIGHT!

No movie has done more to de-fang the awesomeness that is vampires than this Laguna Beach wannabe.

I should tell you that I have NOT watched Twilight. So you ask yourself "Why would you bash something you haven't even seen?" Good question reader. I know myself. I love mushy, stupid girly things that make you cry and believe in the power of love. I'm sure if I watched Twilight, I'd be like all the Twilight fans out there acting like pre-teen bitches, getting all tingly in their vaginas over the mere sight of a Twilight poster. I can't let that happen. Why you ask? Besides the fact that I'm partial to my penis and what little manhood I have left, there's only one other reason: Because this movie takes vampires, arguably one of the most badass creatures ever, and turn them into emo, crybaby pussies.

I don't want to watch a movie about some lame ass bitches that run around DURING THE DAY, drink ANIMAL BLOOD, and want to fall in love. Vampires kill bitches! They run around at night, kicking ass and viciously ripping into whore's necks.

I heard that the two bitches in the movie don't even have sex until the last book. THE LAST FUCKING BOOK. If he was a real vampire, he'd fuck the bitch sideways in the air, bite the shit out of her neck and decide whether or not he likes her enough for another go around or if he wants to let the stupid bitch die. That's how real vampires get shit done!

Oh, and as for the whole "walking around in daylight" thing. I get that they explain some stupid explanation for why they can do that. But how is it when they actually get touched by the light, they dazzle. DAZZLE MUTHAFUCKER! That's the gayest thing I ever heard! They took what is quite possibly the coolest thing about their death, and reduced it to a fucking glitterfest! Vampires bodies can shrivel up, catch on fire as they run around like a fireball of death, or in the coolest cases, BLOW THE FUCK UP! Ashes everywhere! Now that's entertainment.

I have no problem with love stories. I love love stories. And love stories with vampires would be EPIC for me. Infusing vampires with teen issues is nothing new and has been done exceptionally well before (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bitches!). But I refuse to watch something that destroys everything good about vampires. Besides, everyone looks lame anyway. "Look at me! I'm pale, moody and look like I should be in a Abercrombie ad. But don't I look good doing my Blue Steel face?!"

And it's never going to go away. 3 more fucking movies! Ugh...

If it was a just world, Buffy would be in the last book, fucking up Edward and all his model bitches and causing massive, disturbing bloodshed. Oh to dream...

Twitter: WTF

2009-03-25T20:21:00.009-04:00

I'm a young guy, up on all the new gadgets and technology, but I don't get Twitter. WTF is the point? I've been trying really hard: getting the app on my phone, connecting with my friends who already have it, I even try to tweet every once in a while. While we're on it, can the word "tweet" be any gayer? Yes it could: if it was being fucked by the word fagalicious while salad tossing a fairy.

Everyone is talking about Twitter. Politicians are twittering, celebrities are twittering, respectable media outlets are twittering... My local news station has a twitter. Why the fuck do they need to Twitter? And everyone's talking about "Who's tweeting what?" or "Did you know they were tweeting during..." Why do I care? It's 140 characters! Not 140 words, 140 characters!

I check my twitter almost as much as my Facebook. Which is a lot. That's sad, but at least I know what I'm doing with my Facebook. I don't do anything interesting, so what do I tweet about? Should I be tweeting about having nothing to tweet about?

Apparently no one does anything of interest. How do I know? Because they tweet about nothing. No insight. Nothing cool or interesting. At least I'm nice enough to spare my friends the agony of refreshing their page just to find out that I'm doing nothing with my life. People tweet about sitting around and wishing they had a life. How original! Why don't you go out and fucking make a friend that you can talk to other than online? It's called human interaction.

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a product of the media and popularity among my peers. I play with my iPhone, I go on Facebook 100 times a day, and yes, while I don't get it, I have a Twitter. And it's another form of technological crack that I have to keep using because people tell me to. Oh Peer Pressure!

So I will continue to act like grandpa until I finally get what the big deal is. And the worst part? I know I'm going to tweet about this blog as soon as I'm done.

That being said, I'm NRCallie on Twitter. Be my friend. Maybe you'll help me understand the damn thing.

Cheddar Bay Biscuits!

2009-03-25T19:56:00.004-04:00

I love Red Lobster! Ok that was a lie. I like Red Lobster a lot. I absolutely love seafood though. And nothing makes eating out better than a side of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. I fucking love those damn biscuits!

I'm addicted. I say that about a lot of things, but I really think I should go see Dr. Drew over this. I once yelled at my mom for days because she had only brought me two fucking biscuits home with her. I will sit down in the restaurant and eat nothing but those damn biscuits and then just take my food home to eat tomorrow... with like 8 biscuits in the bag.

I just had takeout from Red Lobster two days ago and I stole my mom's portion of biscuits for myself. But I was generous though; I let her have one. Don't want to be a jerk or anything.

I even looked up how to make them. It's a complicated process that yields light, buttery, cheddary goodness that melts in your mouth. Ohhh yeah... I would fuck that shit out of those biscuits given the opportunity. Like, for real for real!

If you don't go to Red Lobster for the biscuits, you haven't lived. And if you don't like them, then you hate everything that is good about food. More biscuits for me bitches!

My name is Nick and I have a problem. No! Fuck that! Those biscuits are fucking delicious!

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Friends Don't Let Friends Get Bad Weaves

2009-03-22T22:37:00.003-04:00

I'm really sick of this shit. Everyday I see these crazy ass individuals who just know in their own little twisted minds that they look good. This epidemic of bad weaves are hitting the streets at a rapid rate and are at an all time high. I can't take this anymore and we have to take a stand on the issue. It's really not that hard to find a proper stylist or walk by a damn mirror. Every time I see one of these horrible disasters my heart is overwhelmed with disgust.

A law should be passed to scalp every well minded individual walking around with tracks showing, helmet weaves, gelled down hair, or the one that drives me crazy is non matching hair color. If your hair color is black and you have the urge to buy a blond weave do us a favor and color the front of your hair or just don't do the shit in a color that does not match. Why in the hell would you want to walk around with your head looking like a pack of skittles? Please for all of mankind do your hair properly people or your going to get slapped up, cause this is not okay. SBP signing the fuck out bitches. Contact a stylist right now if this offends you!