Gay Zombies = Best Zombies Ever

You're not Diddy!

So I was going to the grocery store to pick up something for my mother when I had this unexpected encounter with this a self-indulged, celebrity wannabe. While I love fashion, I try not to live my life by it's rules. Like wearing white pants after Labor Day... No big deal (although I really don't know a reason to wear white pants ever).

Anyway, as I was walking into the store, this asshole decided to go out of his way to almost knock me over to get in. When the sound of shock came from my mouth, he turned and sized me up. He gave a self satisfied laugh while looking at my attire, turned and went into the store.

Who the fuck does that guy think he is? I certainly don't walk out of my house looking like a bum. In fact, I was looking particularly fresh to death today. He on the other hand, was looking like a Diddy wannabe: his obviously fake oversized Dior (or Bior) sunglasses, white shirt showing nasty chest hair overgrowth and his white cabana pants...

YOU ARE NOT ON MIAMI BEACH!

I don't know who you think you are with your unjustified disgust in me but you're lucky we were in a public place. Otherwise I would have cut a bitch. I guess I would have to wait on karma to get him. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long.


As I was leaving I saw the cashier yell out that someone forgot their card. As the bag boy ran outside to catch the guy, I got a glimpse of the card... a food stamps card.

As I made my way outside, I saw the bag boy next to a beat up hoopty which had the "celebrity" inside. Next time you think about buying some bobo sunglasses, you should buy yourself dinner off the dollar menu bitch!


-SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

You can't Masturbate... It's 9/11

9/12 is going to be the best day ever!

Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Best Commercial Ever!

Thank you Europe! I'm probably going to get a lot of hate from my friends with kids, but I'd probably say the same thing to their faces... or behind their backs. Same thing.

Scotland Blog #2- My Family talks about Nothing

Time to hang out with people my own age. At this flat, we have no wireless Internet and we’re having trouble working the television so we have to enjoy each other’s company. In the last two hours, I have heard in depth conversations about water heaters, garage doors, car payments and unfinished home construction. This is what old people talk about. And they say WE like to hear ourselves talk. At least we have interesting things to say. If I hear one more story about a washing machine, I’m gonna lose my damn mind and end my trip early by jumping off the third story of this flat.

I forgot! I have a savior! My sixteen-year-old cousin… oh wait! False alarm. Bitch is a fucking idiot with the mind of a twelve year old. I’m either hearing about the “hazards of defrosters” or listen to my cousin spew shit out of her mouth about… I don’t even remember. That’s how useless all of her conversations are. I see her talking and my mind completely shuts off in fear that I’m going to catch her stupidity. Every second I spend with her is like sticking razor blades inside of my tongue then trying to lick my own asshole. It’s that bad.

I guess I’ll take my chances with gravity…

Scotland Blog #1- Traveling with Family

This is the first installment of the blogs I wrote while in Scotland (with NO WIFI!). I know it's been a couple of months since I was there, but writing was the only thing that kept me sane while there. So I figured I'd share... Enjoy!

So I’m in Scotland. First time ever across the pond; I absolutely love it! Getting here was a bitch though…

We had the standard 2-stop flight: we fly out of Ft. Lauderdale, connect in Jersey (eww) and then fly straight to Edinburgh. Sounds simple enough right? Not when your first flight is delayed 3 hours, so they put you on another flight which makes you miss your connecting flight so you’re put on yet another flight. But we made it right?

So I should be thanking the airlines… HELL MUTHAFUCKING NO!!!

All that changing made it so our bags went somewhere else. Does anyone know where they are? Of course not, so currently I’m wearing the same clothes I wore on my day of flying and long ass first day in Edinburgh. All ten of my new beautiful outfits are stuck in a baggage claim (or reclaim as they call it here) and all I have are the clothes on my back. So unless they send my clothes today, I’ll be BITCH SLAPPING CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!!

On another note, I’ve realized I’ve hit the age that traveling with my mother and family is a no go. Not saying I wouldn’t want to MEET THEM somewhere, but traveling like this is now strictly a close friend’s affair. Hot men everywhere and I can’t do anything because my mom is right there, worrying if I take too long when I’m away from her. Can’t flirt back. Can’t make the first move. Can’t even longingly stare at them for too long without it becoming a weird moment in my family setting. All I can do is imagine what I’d say to them… And boy did I imagine!

While at the airport bathroom, all I wanted was to do what it seemed every other male traveler did. I just sat on the toilet and prayed that some man would solicit sex from me. I just couldn't remember the damn code or whatever to make that happen! It's like the fucking gay Da Vinci code! I was tapping my feet all over the place like I was playing Dance Dance Revolution on the hardest setting. I started knocking my fist on the stall next to me, hoping some magical thing would open up and I'd be allowed into Homosexual Narnia. Why does it have to be so hard to get a BJ? I ended up just leaving, to find my mother worried that I took so long in there. No surprise there...

Now to have to go meet up with my ultra conservative family and my minister cousin who’s doctorate we’re celebrating. Wish me luck! Yay Jesus!

Buffy vs. Twilight

If you love Buffy the way I do, you know she can beat the crap out of everyone in the history of the universe. So when Twilight came out, I just wished Buffy would kill Edward so all the little bitches out there can cry over the emo, dazzling, lame-ass excuse for a vampire. God came down from the heavens and delivered the best what if scenario: What if Buffy and Edward met? What happens next is a greatly enjoyable mashup of Buffy and Twilgiht.

My name is Nick and I don't have a Problem... Seriously!

*Disclaimer- No Names are used to protect the anonymity of those at the meeting. That and because I'm pretty sure they would hunt down and kill me if I revealed too much*

So I went to my very first AA meeting last night... and no it wasn't for me. I don't have a problem. I know everyone says that, but I really don't. I have a lot of other very real problems but we don't need to get into that do we?

I went because my friend was being recognized for a milestone in his sobriety and I wanted to go and be supportive. I was so proud of him and I'm so happy to be apart of his big night.

That being said... AA is the most awkward place I've ever been to; and I've been to Anglican church! In fact, it felt like church a bit: the word "God" was being thrown around every five minutes, people gave testimonies about their lives and we even did a prayer... sort of. When the guy leading the meeting said something about praying, I closed my eyes and bowed my head... then heard everyone around me, eyes wide open, chanting the "serenity prayer." For a brief second I thought I was in a cult. I wish that was the end of the "cult feeling," but it was just the beginning...

Did I mention it was biker night? This is the night that the bikers usually come to meetings. I felt like I was either in a leather bar or prison (both of which should have made a gay man feel right at home) but when you add Jesus to the mix it becomes that much more bizarre. I had been warned that this was one of the more eccentric meetings I could have gone to. Eccentric is an understatement.

So I was completely inappropriate the entire time (Not My Fault!). It wasn't like I was trying to be. It just sort of happened... like when I raised my hand as a new person to the meeting when that is reserved for people who have a problem. Or when I got the church giggles when a woman was giving her testimony and how she had a huge hole in her life... and how she would just fill her hole with anything she could find (That's what she said). Or when I got super competitive during the raffle and was visibly upset when I lost... I wanted to win that Baby-T so BAD! I was going to get up like a belligerent black man and yell out "FLAWLESS VICTORY" when I won and rub it in everyone's faces like I was T.O. at the Super Bowl (oh to dream).

I felt so out of place the entire time. I just wished I had a problem so that I "fit in." The only time I was comfortable was when I was leaving...

That was until the awesome, foul mouthed 90 year old woman who grabbed my friend's ass made a B-line for mine. Yeah, it was an interesting night.