Can I just take my store with me?

With only 2 weeks before I move, I was thinking about how much I'm going to miss working at the store and with all my friends. I started to go through random pictures on my phone and I realized everything I'll be missing moving to Cali...

Cute pink buses for no reason.

Being tagged in our bathroom as if we're in Compton when we all know we're in uppity Downtown Fort Lauderdale.


Coworkers who randomly stand on tables and have celebrity couple names just because.

Heather (Heddy)+ Raissa = Reddy.
Heather + Chris = Cheddy
Heather + Jorin = Jeddy
Heather + Nick = Neddy

...Or maybe we all just have celebrity couple names with the same person.

And the guy who runs around Downtown in short shorts and a tray of wine.

No one knows why he does it. He just does.


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Ninja Raccoon

I feel like a common theme throughout this blog might become the difference between white and black people. Not because I’m racist. It’s just so damn funny.

Like when I watch the Bernie Mac show with my best friend’s boyfriend Jorin. He always looks at Vanessa and I wondering if this is all some big joke. I don't think he understands that black families are actually like that. He’s lived the quintessential white family life; full of stern conversation instead of getting whooped, civil divorcees, and birthday weeks...

WTF is a Birthday Week?!?!

Prime example: One day at work, Jorin and I were taking a tandem break sitting under a palm tree in the parking lot. As we were talking, I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye up in the tree. I didn’t get a good look at it but I was already on Terror Alert Red. Jorin continued to talk obliviously as I slowly got up to make sure I wasn’t about to die. I’ve seen all the movies and I knew I was the only black guy around.

I actually thought it was a monkey. Why monkey? It was big and in a tree. I have no real good explanation for that one.

Then I saw it… a raccoon staring right back at me in the middle of the day about to pounce from the tree above me.

Jorin looked up and said “There’s a raccoon.” At that moment, he had to look around to see where I went. Of course I had ran for my life a good 10 seconds before he even looked up to see the furry ninja.


We both found it really funny that my first instinct was to flee and his was to look danger in the face and talk about it.

So why am I the first to die again?

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I Scream for the Ice Cream I’m about to Steal

I’m a good person. I have to convince myself of that everyday, but I know deep down in that cold heart of mine lies some sense of decency.

That being said, I have created my master plan to extract goods from the ice cream truck that lives in my neighborhood.

Yes. I said it. There’s an ice cream truck that’s always parked two steps away from my front door.


I already have an Ocean’s 11 plan to steal the ice cream, but I’m starting to think that I should just Inception the guy so he’ll give me the truck….


BOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(For those of you who are late to the party, that was the Inception noise)

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Step Up to Domestic Violence

It seems that two things that have been bothering me about movies have finally come together to make a Hell baby bent on destroying the movie going experience as we know it…

“Step Up 3D” which is the same tired dancing movie that has been plaguing theaters for the last couple of years, now features the gimmick that needs to die: 3D.

The trailers looks stupid and I’ve never had the urge to have someone do windmills in my face while trying to enjoy my soda, but that’s not what bugs me…

Have you seen the posters for this movie?


Doesn’t it look like that guy is in the middle of beating the living shit out of that girl?

When I saw this poster in the mall, I didn’t think of dancing or 3D. After staring at it for a while, I kinda got excited. They were finally going to change this played out genre. Instead of just whining about whatever dancing cliché they put the impossibly beautiful dancers in and having it all end with a big dance off, they are finally going to do what normal people do when shit hits the fan… FUCKING THUNDERDOME BITCH!

Oh wait…

They’re not fighting? It’s just bad marketing like they’ve done for the commercials of the movie? So she’s not getting her revenge in this picture?


Well that's unfortunate...

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A Public Case of Severe Itis

A couple of months ago, my friends went to go get some fast food. Upon entering the establishment, I caught the most amazing sight:



I don’t think much needs to be said about this. It’s just so damn classy…

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Es-Cap-E!!!

There are a lot of crazy stories that come out of my job...


A lady came up to me asking if it was normal to have people laying in the middle of our parking lot.

I was going to ask her what world does she live in that people laying in middle of the road can be considered normal... But I'm not allowed to be a bitch at work.

I pretended to marvel at her story of almost running over his head, thinking she was just another one of the crazies who come into my store.

Five minutes later, my coworker ran in, freaking out about a man who apparently jumped out of an ambulance and is evading capture. Come to find out, it was the same guy.

Lady, I apologize for thinking you were a stupid bitch (but considering everyone who comes in, you most likely are anyway).

So when I saw the escapee outside of my store, I did what any concerned citizen would do... I took a picture.

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One reason I'll miss driving in Florida

People auditioning for live action Twisted Metal.


Yes, that is indeed a chainsaw attached to a car driving on the road. Damn I feel safe.


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I'm fucking crazy so that's why I haven't been blogging and I know it's not an excuse but I thought I should share and now I'm just typing to see how

...long I can make my title.

Damn that was a lot. Well, at least it's not as long as this post is going to be.

So I've been crazy busy... and busy being crazy. People have been yelling at me because I haven't been posting anything and I keep saying I would do it. Doing it another day becomes another week, then another month and now look! It's halfway through 2010 and I've only done 3 posts. Aint that some shit!

I want to say I've been slacking because I've been busy at work... and getting an internship... and quitting said internship... and getting ready for the biggest move of my life...

But that's some bullshit. So let me level with you:

One thing that's been freeing about blogging is it's ability to let me express myself with no restraints. I just talk about my life; what happens, what I like, mostly what I hate, but nothing is off limits. Until a year ago...

I've been shying away from details of my personal life and as the past year has gone by, it's been consuming more and more of my thoughts and actions. And if I'm not talking about it, what the fuck am I supposed to talk about? I really didn't want to bring up what's been going on for many reasons. I'm a private person and any intimate details about my life or emotions I keep to myself. And what's been going on has been so special and fulfilling that I wanted to protect it. I've never had someone so amazing come in and turn my life upside down. I've grown so much as a person this past year and I know it's all because I'm finally opening up and taking a chance on love. (Trust me, I know you want to barf. I'm not used to talking/feeling/acting this way so every time I say anything cute or romantic, I cringe and wish to punch a puppy).

That being said, I should at least share with you some things I've been going through so I can finally get it out of my system and write some fun shit. Oh! And because I'm way too private, I'm going to be very vague about some stuff to protect the people involved and blah blah blah.

Disclaimer: if you're the kind of person who hates when people use "they and them" instead of "him and her," stop reading now. You're just going to have explosive diarrhea of the brain from all the atrocious pronoun usage I might end up using.

Oh and no more of this love dovey talk...

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK THIS SHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck am I doing?!?!??!?!?

I need a roadmap through relationships. I've been dealing with this "we're sorta kinda in a relationship" thing for almost a year now, and I have no idea what I'm doing! Not a clue. They say that every relationship is unique and there's no right or wrong way to do it, but I definitely think I'm doing it wrong.

I suck. It's just that simple. I don't call them. I don't text them. I suck.

And it's not because I don't want to. All I want to do is talk to them. I've decided it's because I'm fucking crazy. I over think everything and I'm way too courteous. I'm courteous to a fault actually. I don't call them because I'm always afraid they're doing something, so I don't want to interrupt their life. So I don't call. And when I do call... ok I don't want to get into that. It's a whole bunch of psyching myself up and hoping they don't pick up because I'm so nervous I'm on the verge of throwing up. Does it even seem like we've been talking for a year now?

Oh! Did I mention this is a long distance thing? Yeah, that's a HUGE factor.

And I don't know why I'm driving myself crazy over this. When we talk, it's wonderful. Just hearing their voice for a minute makes everything that's been going wrong with my life go away. And when we're together, it's just so easy. I don't have to be anyone other than myself, and there's no "let's go crazy with cute adorable love shit" like some people we both know and want to punch in the face (Love you guys!). We're just, I don't know, together. It's perfect.

I know what my problem is: I'm a control freak. I think it's killing me that I've finally come across a situation I can't control. I just need to accept that. It's just really hard. And this whole "gray area" in our relationship coupled with the distance, multiplied by my all consuming imagination makes me just a little bit off my rocker. And unfortunately, the ones close to me have had to deal with all my crazy mindfucking I've been doing to myself. If I keep this up, I'm pretty sure they're gonna take me out back like Old Yeller.

In less than a month, I'll be moving to the same town that they're in. I've never been so excited in my life. But with that excitement comes the equal amount of concern I have for the future of our relationship. I've also found myself in a weird best friends and roommates dating each other situation, which I've never liked. There are way too many movies/sitcoms over the years that have been based on how bad this situation can become. I just feel like we're all just way in too deep in each other's shit, so if things go south... let's not even think like that.

It actually felt really good to write all that out. Maybe I can finally get back to all 30 of my projects that I've yet to write because I've been driving myself crazy over all this.

I have a terrible feeling that one day they're going to read this and finally realize how truly insane I am. That might be a problem. Too bad I know I'm going to post it anyway.

Fuck...

BLOOD! (now with calcium)

Orange Juice for Vampires.


It goes down smooth and gives you your daily dose of vitamin C...

And hemoglobin.

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2010! We're Back Bitches!

It's 2010 BITCHES!

I know I fell off from keeping this thing up (twice), but I'm back with a vengeance!

This is why there was a sudden surge of Scotland blogs from 6 months ago. I felt like I needed to post everything I had left on my computer so that I can start anew with you guys. Besides, I promised that I would put those up, and I always come through with my promises...

... even if it's 6 months late. Let's just say for 6 months "I didn't know I was (blogging) pregnant" and yesterday I just shit out my dead baby fetus and I had to hide the body but now I'm ready to slut it up again... What? I just blacked out there! lol.

Well I got my swag back and I'm ready to tackle the new year. I have some big things planned and I'm ready to change the world (and I hope to bring you along for the ride). I've decided that 2010 is my year and I'm going to go BIG (because I don't go home!). The 3 R's baby: I'm refreshed, refocused and ready to take things to the next level!

A lot has happened since last I updated about my life. While I won't say EVERYTHING in hopes to protect people in my personal life (since when do I keep secrets), there's still more than enough juicy topics and bitches to slap to sustain you.

While I can't promise to write everyday, I promise not to leave you guys hanging like that again. And I won't be the only one changing things up. Matt's back and ready to write it up and Ayesha told me yesterday that she wants to write more (hopefully we can use peer pressure to make her come back on here more). In any case, we're all back and ready to slap up some bitches!

Scotland Blog #13- Dragging my feet back to the US.

So the weather is lovely this morning as we catch a bus back to the airport. I think my mom and I were on the verge of tears leaving this place.

I really didn't want to leave, and I also didn't want to fucking go back to Jersey for my connecting flight.

I know I'm harsh on Jersey, but Jersey never did a nice thing for me ever.

Case in point:

When we're flying back to Florida from Jersey, what terrible thing can possibly happen? Lightning strikes the plane. But not only to it hit us... all the lights turned off, we had a huge dip, it looked like the lightning CAME INTO THE PLANE, and we had scorch marks on our wing.

I rest my case. Jersey is officially on the permanent "Must Bitch Slap List." It will stay on the list for the foreseeable future. Congrats Jersey for being such a fucking asshole that you are the first to be registered on the permanent list; or that you sucked so much that I had to create that list!

Scotland Blog #12- Wimble-FUCK!

So it's definitely an experience being in Scotland during Wimbledon. When I watch it on TV, I forget it's actually held in a different part of the world. Over here, it's like the entire country shuts down for it. You feel it in the air. Like "Oh Shit! I smell some Wimbledon!"

Watching it over here made me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself; something special. It was almost something spiritual... until I heard the stupid ass announcer who sounded like he was going to fuck the sweaty socks of Roger Federer. While I understand liking a certain player, abusing your power so that your commentary of an entire tennis match sounds like an open love letter is a bit ridiculous.

I was cheering for my ex-boyfriend, Andy Roddick. He made it all the way to the finals so you had to give him your due... that is unless you where hanging out in the U.K. Before the match, all they talked about was how epic the occasion is because Federer was going to smash the record and I'm like "Hello?! We haven't even started the match yet." They already decided who was going to win!

It was ridiculous! All you ever heard about was how graceful Federer's movements were; how they were like poetry in motion. Roddick? What about him? "Look at Roddick out there. It's so commendable how hard he's trying out there." He wasn't "trying"; the man was fighting with Federer... so much so that the match lasted forever and Federer barely won.

The favoritism was crazy! I actually had to call Josh in the States to make sure that they were being fair to Mr. Roddick. Of course they were. Something America can do right. Sports commentary.

So fuck you U.K! Damn it! The only thing bad I can say about this place is they give annoying sports commentary. I don't even really like sports so why do I care?

... Ok I forgive you U.K. This little shortcoming can be overlooked. Let's be friends again.

Scotland Blog #11- Dr. Pepper WHAT?!?!

They have Dr. Pepper ZERO here! I’ve never heard of such a thing before! This country is officially the place to be. Dr. Pepper with ZERO CALORIES!?!?!?! I’d drink that shit everyday! That bitch would be my Holy Grail; my life Elixir; my titty milk from God. If I had that in my daily life, well, let’s cut to the chase… FUCK WATER! My only regret is that I didn’t buy it while I was there ;-(

Yes, I was too broke to buy a soda on my last day in Scotland. But if I knew they had such heavenly things I would have spent all my money on this rather than other stupid things people call necessities... who needs food? I mean REALLY?

Scotland Blog #10- On the Prowl with Mom

My mother and I have a weird relationship. Seeing as we never discuss aloud the whole “you have a gay son thing,” it’s interesting to see us subtly talk about hot people in Scotland. I was looking around today and I said to myself “There are so many hot people over here. It’s ridiculous.” At least I thought I said it to myself… A few seconds pass and I hear my mother say “This country is very attractive.” I know my mother is not a lesbian, so that means she was talking about guys and I KNOW she knows I wasn’t talking about girls…

My mother and I just checked out guys together. I don't know how I feel about this yet.

Scotland Blog #9- Britney is Superman... DUH!

The more I’m here, the more I want to stay. I saw an advertisement for a television show called “Britney Spears saved my Life.” Umm, yeah. Sign me up!

Scotland Blog #8- Being So Damn Nice is Unnatural!

I keep trying to find people to bitch slap over here but everyone’s so goddamn nice! Everyone apologizes and is courteous, it makes me confused. I’m always trying to punch every other person I see back home. Fucking Scotland and you’re awesome people. Stop trying to make me feel at home!

Scotland Blog #7- Up His Kilt

Ok, I think I’ve been seeing the same hot guy around town the last few days. We keep bumping into each other randomly whether I’m at a bar, shopping or even going to my cousin’s graduation. And he was wearing a kilt today which was TOTALLY hot. I think it’s a sign!

Look at me. Who thought you'd see the day I'd be chasing skirts?

Scotland Blog #6- Wardrobe Malfunction

So I find that everyone here dresses well. I mean EVERYONE, EVERYDAY. This leads to my problem: can’t tell who’s gay and who’s straight. For the most part in the states, the gay man dresses a bit better than the straight ones and have their own mannerisms. Here, everyone dresses fresh to death and are all polite. How am I supposed to weed out the ones for me? So there goes my dreams of a foreign affair…

Scotland Blog #5 - Twilight Hell in the Edinburgh

And my aunt loves Twilight. And she’s describing it right now. I want to kill myself...

Holy Shit! Everyone's joining in. A family discussion about Twilight? I pray that Jesus will walk through the door and stake me through the heart right now. If you exist, you'll do this one favor...

::Buffy walks through the door::

I always knew you were my Savior!

Scotland Blog #4- America FAIL

We’re doing everything wrong. America is wrong. Everything they do here is so efficient. From travel to the workings of a household, everything seems simpler, cost efficient and just damn easier. So it’s official. We failed. But we’re also too stubborn to see it.

Scotland Blog #3- Scottish Nightlife

First night in Edinburgh and the nightlife is crazy awesome! I needed to get out of our cramped flat so I went out by myself to check out the local hotspots. I walked around to see about 20 clubs and bars in a two mile radius. Each one of them infinitely better than anything we have in America. You know how some clubs try to have that awesome, indie European feel to them? Well now I was living the real thing and believe me: ACCEPT NO IMMITATIONS!

Oh! And something cool about over here: no covers anywhere! It was sick. And the price for drinks was so much better over here, with better quality/quantity of the drinks. It’s so worth every ounce of drunken pleasure.

The first bar I went to was the Jazz Bar. The place was great. It had this great little jazz club vibe, with full bar and large crowd dancing away in a tiny space. Very intimate. And the band I stayed for can kick any of our American mainstream band’s ass! They played the standard guitar, drums, bass setup, but then there were some surprises like flute and tuba players. We need to step up our game when it comes to music, because while we think we’re talented, 60 % of our bands that get radio play are not even good enough to be considered a local band over here.

The next place I went to was called GRV (Green Room Venue). This place looked like the most tricked out basement I’ve ever been in. There was a neon multi-lighted bar, awesome murals on the wall and the ceiling was covered in the prettiest strings lights I’ve ever seen. I watched some sick break dance competitions, went down stairs to this crazy techno room, and chilled in the lounge with some of the locals. It makes me want to open my own GRV in the US. I would make a killing.

Now to stop being shy and make some friends! It sucks being in these awesome venues and not having anyone to enjoy them with… Easier said then done.