Gay Zombies = Best Zombies Ever

You're not Diddy!

So I was going to the grocery store to pick up something for my mother when I had this unexpected encounter with this a self-indulged, celebrity wannabe. While I love fashion, I try not to live my life by it's rules. Like wearing white pants after Labor Day... No big deal (although I really don't know a reason to wear white pants ever).

Anyway, as I was walking into the store, this asshole decided to go out of his way to almost knock me over to get in. When the sound of shock came from my mouth, he turned and sized me up. He gave a self satisfied laugh while looking at my attire, turned and went into the store.

Who the fuck does that guy think he is? I certainly don't walk out of my house looking like a bum. In fact, I was looking particularly fresh to death today. He on the other hand, was looking like a Diddy wannabe: his obviously fake oversized Dior (or Bior) sunglasses, white shirt showing nasty chest hair overgrowth and his white cabana pants...

YOU ARE NOT ON MIAMI BEACH!

I don't know who you think you are with your unjustified disgust in me but you're lucky we were in a public place. Otherwise I would have cut a bitch. I guess I would have to wait on karma to get him. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long.


As I was leaving I saw the cashier yell out that someone forgot their card. As the bag boy ran outside to catch the guy, I got a glimpse of the card... a food stamps card.

As I made my way outside, I saw the bag boy next to a beat up hoopty which had the "celebrity" inside. Next time you think about buying some bobo sunglasses, you should buy yourself dinner off the dollar menu bitch!


-SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

You can't Masturbate... It's 9/11

9/12 is going to be the best day ever!

Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Best Commercial Ever!

Thank you Europe! I'm probably going to get a lot of hate from my friends with kids, but I'd probably say the same thing to their faces... or behind their backs. Same thing.

Scotland Blog #2- My Family talks about Nothing

Time to hang out with people my own age. At this flat, we have no wireless Internet and we’re having trouble working the television so we have to enjoy each other’s company. In the last two hours, I have heard in depth conversations about water heaters, garage doors, car payments and unfinished home construction. This is what old people talk about. And they say WE like to hear ourselves talk. At least we have interesting things to say. If I hear one more story about a washing machine, I’m gonna lose my damn mind and end my trip early by jumping off the third story of this flat.

I forgot! I have a savior! My sixteen-year-old cousin… oh wait! False alarm. Bitch is a fucking idiot with the mind of a twelve year old. I’m either hearing about the “hazards of defrosters” or listen to my cousin spew shit out of her mouth about… I don’t even remember. That’s how useless all of her conversations are. I see her talking and my mind completely shuts off in fear that I’m going to catch her stupidity. Every second I spend with her is like sticking razor blades inside of my tongue then trying to lick my own asshole. It’s that bad.

I guess I’ll take my chances with gravity…

Scotland Blog #1- Traveling with Family

This is the first installment of the blogs I wrote while in Scotland (with NO WIFI!). I know it's been a couple of months since I was there, but writing was the only thing that kept me sane while there. So I figured I'd share... Enjoy!

So I’m in Scotland. First time ever across the pond; I absolutely love it! Getting here was a bitch though…

We had the standard 2-stop flight: we fly out of Ft. Lauderdale, connect in Jersey (eww) and then fly straight to Edinburgh. Sounds simple enough right? Not when your first flight is delayed 3 hours, so they put you on another flight which makes you miss your connecting flight so you’re put on yet another flight. But we made it right?

So I should be thanking the airlines… HELL MUTHAFUCKING NO!!!

All that changing made it so our bags went somewhere else. Does anyone know where they are? Of course not, so currently I’m wearing the same clothes I wore on my day of flying and long ass first day in Edinburgh. All ten of my new beautiful outfits are stuck in a baggage claim (or reclaim as they call it here) and all I have are the clothes on my back. So unless they send my clothes today, I’ll be BITCH SLAPPING CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!!

On another note, I’ve realized I’ve hit the age that traveling with my mother and family is a no go. Not saying I wouldn’t want to MEET THEM somewhere, but traveling like this is now strictly a close friend’s affair. Hot men everywhere and I can’t do anything because my mom is right there, worrying if I take too long when I’m away from her. Can’t flirt back. Can’t make the first move. Can’t even longingly stare at them for too long without it becoming a weird moment in my family setting. All I can do is imagine what I’d say to them… And boy did I imagine!

While at the airport bathroom, all I wanted was to do what it seemed every other male traveler did. I just sat on the toilet and prayed that some man would solicit sex from me. I just couldn't remember the damn code or whatever to make that happen! It's like the fucking gay Da Vinci code! I was tapping my feet all over the place like I was playing Dance Dance Revolution on the hardest setting. I started knocking my fist on the stall next to me, hoping some magical thing would open up and I'd be allowed into Homosexual Narnia. Why does it have to be so hard to get a BJ? I ended up just leaving, to find my mother worried that I took so long in there. No surprise there...

Now to have to go meet up with my ultra conservative family and my minister cousin who’s doctorate we’re celebrating. Wish me luck! Yay Jesus!

Buffy vs. Twilight

If you love Buffy the way I do, you know she can beat the crap out of everyone in the history of the universe. So when Twilight came out, I just wished Buffy would kill Edward so all the little bitches out there can cry over the emo, dazzling, lame-ass excuse for a vampire. God came down from the heavens and delivered the best what if scenario: What if Buffy and Edward met? What happens next is a greatly enjoyable mashup of Buffy and Twilgiht.

My name is Nick and I don't have a Problem... Seriously!

*Disclaimer- No Names are used to protect the anonymity of those at the meeting. That and because I'm pretty sure they would hunt down and kill me if I revealed too much*

So I went to my very first AA meeting last night... and no it wasn't for me. I don't have a problem. I know everyone says that, but I really don't. I have a lot of other very real problems but we don't need to get into that do we?

I went because my friend was being recognized for a milestone in his sobriety and I wanted to go and be supportive. I was so proud of him and I'm so happy to be apart of his big night.

That being said... AA is the most awkward place I've ever been to; and I've been to Anglican church! In fact, it felt like church a bit: the word "God" was being thrown around every five minutes, people gave testimonies about their lives and we even did a prayer... sort of. When the guy leading the meeting said something about praying, I closed my eyes and bowed my head... then heard everyone around me, eyes wide open, chanting the "serenity prayer." For a brief second I thought I was in a cult. I wish that was the end of the "cult feeling," but it was just the beginning...

Did I mention it was biker night? This is the night that the bikers usually come to meetings. I felt like I was either in a leather bar or prison (both of which should have made a gay man feel right at home) but when you add Jesus to the mix it becomes that much more bizarre. I had been warned that this was one of the more eccentric meetings I could have gone to. Eccentric is an understatement.

So I was completely inappropriate the entire time (Not My Fault!). It wasn't like I was trying to be. It just sort of happened... like when I raised my hand as a new person to the meeting when that is reserved for people who have a problem. Or when I got the church giggles when a woman was giving her testimony and how she had a huge hole in her life... and how she would just fill her hole with anything she could find (That's what she said). Or when I got super competitive during the raffle and was visibly upset when I lost... I wanted to win that Baby-T so BAD! I was going to get up like a belligerent black man and yell out "FLAWLESS VICTORY" when I won and rub it in everyone's faces like I was T.O. at the Super Bowl (oh to dream).

I felt so out of place the entire time. I just wished I had a problem so that I "fit in." The only time I was comfortable was when I was leaving...

That was until the awesome, foul mouthed 90 year old woman who grabbed my friend's ass made a B-line for mine. Yeah, it was an interesting night.

I know I'm Wrong but that Bitch Deserves it!

Is it wrong that I laughed when my neighbor's car caught on fire? Ok, you don't need to answer that, but you have to understand... that girl is a bitch! I also thought about stealing her dog, but more about that later...

So when my mother told me one day that the cops were outside of my house, my first reaction was no big deal. Cops are always next door because that bitch and her siblings are always raising hell. I mean, they beat their mother; like Street Fighter crazy Akuma highest difficulty straight up beatdowns. It's quite terrible. But when my mom told me there was also a fire truck, I had to go see.

We open the door to see the front of her car all burnt up. Under her hood looked like a BBQ grill that hasn't been cleaned in 10 years. There was no fixing that. As neighbors stood in awe, I had to go back inside, seeing as I was about to burst into laughter. My mom asked what was so funny to which I respond "That's what that bitch gets for parking in my spot all the time."

I know. That was bad. But you know, she has a stank ass attitude, makes her mom's life a living hell and causes trouble for the entire neighborhood... That was the closest thing to God striking the bitch down. It was so good. It had been awhile since I saw karma work so wonderfully. She had that car for less than a year, and has been annoying everyone by parking in their spaces and not giving a crap about it.

Oh, and as for her dog...

Even my mother wants to steal it! She abuses that cute little puppy. It has to be about the size of my foot and she leaves it outside in the hot Florida sun all day: no food, no water. And they leave the door to the porch where they keep the dog open all day. We've gone over there just to give the dog food and water so it won't suffer. It's wrong to steal a dog but saving a dog is a good thing right? The only problem is they live right next door, so there's no way to hide the dog from them. All my plans end with me killing her...

It just occurred to me that laughing at her misfortune can come back to bite me in the ass. After all, I'm not one to talk about how great my current circumstances are. But then again, that moment was hilarious! I'll take a plague to the chin if it means I get to laugh at her. The only thing I regret is not laughing in her face. Thank you God for bitch slapping her. Now for the rest of the people on my list...

I wish there were still Milkmen

My friend Danny showed me this the other day and while we should have been talking about how funny/cute the clip was, we quickly got into a discussion about who was hotter: the Milkman or the Mailman (Team Milkman over here!). Anyway, I thought I'd share. Life would be so much more enjoyable if this happened everyday...

So I've been gone for a while...

My bad. For the last couple of months, I've been going through a bit of a "Life Fail." Going to LA, not going to LA, Friends FAIL, Family FAIL, Car FAIL, Money FAIL, Technology FAIL, health scares, identity crisis, relationship stupidity (on my part)... you name it, it happened.

The sky opened up and took a huge shit on me (Thanks God), so I really didn't feel the urge to blog about it. Well it's time to play catch up...

I need to get back to form: sharing with you random, funny moments in my life, videos that make me smile and stories about people who truly need a bitch slap! Over the next few days, I will be trying to catch you all up, as well as share the blogs I wrote while in Scotland (I was WAY too happy over there, so there isn't a lot of slapping that needs to happen).

I'll try not to slack off in the future... Oh it feels good to be back!

The Right Thing

Feeling really annoyed, frustrated, and so ready to just give up. Unfortunately for defeat I'm too stubborn to give up. I can see what I want and the steps that need to be taken to get to what I am trying to accomplish. Not gonna make this long but if your feeling the same way, just know you're not alone feeling this way. If the door won't open I say kick that bitch down. Defeat you have been slapped. TOODLES!!!

WoW

World of Warcraft. Bitches love it. If you stop playing it, you'll kill yourself. And you'll lose your clothes in record time. 'Nuff Said.

PSA People (parental discretion advised)

CONTRACEPTION IS YOUR FRIEND!!!

Believe it or not contraception is your best friend. Now there are a few: some long term, some short term, some for men and some for women. Now wasn’t that so nice of contraception to be available for everyone? So I ask you reader where is your contraception? I know where my mine is. It’s like my visa never leave home without it. If we must, we can take an intermission ladies. If you forgot your contraception, lets pop that little friendly pill while I address the guys.

Now guys I understand it may feel better without your contraception. But what won’t feel or look good is when your penis is constantly on fire and your scrotum (that word makes me chuckle) has warts on them the size of an orange. There is probably more STD’s than girls you would ever sleep with, so why chance it?

Now this one is a toss up, cause it’s equally scary for both men and women. It’s called HIV/AIDS. Yeah the shit that fucks up your immune system and eventually kills you (unless you're Magic Johnson). Not something you should want to chance. So here’s contraception to the rescue to lessen your chances and you turn your back on it. That’s just wrong. And contraception came to me, holding back tears… Contraception just wanted me to tell you that you’re a dumb ass.

Seriously I know I don’t want any kids anytime soon. I sure as hell don’t want any STD’s, HIV/ AIDS… nope none of that sounds too delightful to me. So if you're on the same page then contraception will be your BFF. No slaps today cause I want to make sure you're in the right state of mind when you go: buy that pack of condoms, go get your prescription for birth control, go get your shot or even a vasectomy (guys), tube tied for the ladies. Along with this PSA, going to get tested is also a smart idea. I’m outta here for now, but be safe or I will slap you.

Lazy Asses & Riding Coat tails

I’m sick of you lazy ass people not doing anything with your life. Like getting real, getting some ambition, hopes, dreams, and goals and accomplishing something with your life. I’ve heard a million excuses from various people and really its not that serious. Sitting at home all day everyday not doing shit is really sad. No, not just because you left the house to go do groceries or get an oil change did you make any significant change.

Maybe a job is not in the cards cause of our sucky ass economy but there is more to do. School, online school, a hobby… Just frigging do something to better your life. In case you didn’t realize your age is not going backwards like Benjamin Button so people go start honing some skill or update your resume. Just stop being a waste of natural resources. You deserve more than a slap, today you get a special punch in the mouth. If I offended you then I’m NOT SORRY…. Poof now go have a life!

Another issue I need to address is another kind of lazy. Mofo's that like to ride your coat tails. Now that shit is just unacceptable. If you took the time to decide that you're going to do something with your life, then take an extra step and stop waiting for others to make your situation better. Like wtf people get serious!! I suggest if you do want to ride someone's coat tails then stay the f__ away from me cause I will turn around and back hand the shit out of you. Damn my blog was more like a rant. Too much negative. So here's my positive...... ummmm.... oh Happy Father's DAY!!!

God/Jesus and or Virtual Villagers/ The Sims

So really random thoughts cross my mind whenever I have too much time. Today just so happens to be one of those days. This blog may offend some as far as religion or faith goes. STOP READING NOW!!!

Okay so now that I gave my little disclaimer it’s time to have the crazies who did not stop reading try to burst down the door and perform an exorcism on me. Well in my moment of thought I asked myself: Ayesha? (which is myself)… Ayesha do you think this whole god thing is a hoax? So I asked a few of my friends if they believed in god and they said yes. But then I thought what if they're just saying yes cause there scared to be struck by lighting (which would be pretty mean of this god anyway).

What if you found out that the Bible and all the stories you grew up hearing where written just to keep you occupied or, a pastor was just a really good motivational speaker and, all that offering money could have bought you those really cute Aldo boots that you wanted for last winter?

If there is a god… I feel like maybe he is just playing a big ass game of Virtual Villagers or The Sims with all of us. On virtual villagers you grab your little people on the island and put them in front of the task you would like them to perform and sometimes they walk away or stay and become masters. How do you know god is not doing that? I would really like someone to tell me what makes their faith so strong? Since I have to slap someone, it would be all the crazies that just take religion too far….. Example: I’m going to blow myself and the rest of you mofo’s up in the name of (my faith) type of people. BYE BITC*ES, don't forget Fathers Day tomorrow.

FUCK

So I forgot Matt's birthday too. The only difference between Ayesha and myself is Ayesha hasn't gotten a chance to speak to Matt since before his birthday. I, on the other hand, have talked to Matt very close to everyday (every other day at least) before and since his birthday.

Normally I would give an excuse, and while mine is a good one in my opinion, there is no excuse for missing his birthday by 2 weeks and never saying Happy Birthday. (Especially after I publicly stated that Matt should be slapped).

Normally I would do some very mushy "Matt is so special to me" line, but instead I will do something that doesn't happen very often...

I have slapped myself four times: Once for missing his birthday, once for talking to him since his birthday, once for being such a bad friend and once ::sigh:: for telling others to slap the shit out of him a few days ago.

I hereby retract that request, seeing as he's already been backhanded by his friend Ken for me (THANKS KEN!). It would be cruel to have the request up and have people still slapping him, no matter how much I wanted that to happen...

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!!!!

I Love You, Man!!! (if you noticed, between me and Ayesha, you're Happy Birthdays are the color of the White Star Line!)

I Made a Ooops

So you know how you forget to tell someone really important thank you or 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT....

Well I was that person. I admit to such treason and hope that Matt will forgive me. Seeeeee... What took place was I meant to tell you but.... (slap myself) no excuses. Happy Birthday Matt!!! 

(even though it was like a week ago). Im sending you a virtual chocolate monkey from Crispers and I hope that somewhere down in your titanic overly obsessed heart you will pretend this whole thing never happened. People learn from this lesson and remember to tell your father Happy Father's Day. TAA DAA Bitches I'm out! 

Bank Bitch Slap (Delayed)

It's not quite a FAIL yet. I'm pushing my all out onslaught on Bank of America back until Monday. I wanted to wait for my secret weapon to be ready.... *insert mad scientist laugh here*

Don't worry. This shit is going down!!!

Bank of America Ass Raped Me!

A lot of people complain to me about Bank of America and their services. To be honest, I've never had a problem with them... until two days ago...

They fucked up something on my account and gave me 5 OVERDRAFT FEES! If you're unaware how much an overdraft fee costs with Buttfucking Steal Your Money America, it's $35 a piece. They charged me $175 in overdraft fees in one day because of $40 of insufficient funds AFTER I fixed the muthafucking problem. I had $29 in my account, and they just took out those fees because they wanted to! (It's more complex than this, so I gave you the cliffnotes).

So what is a disgruntled customer supposed to do? I had a sit down today and decided to call their customer service. I should call it customer DISservice. I couldn't reach anyone. I went through every channel, every automated statement trying to hear the magic words "Talk to a Representative." Nothing. Couldn't find it. But they did remind me how fucked I am with my account and let me know I can hang up at anytime. They couldn't see which finger I was holding up, but I hoped that in their headquarters they could feel it!

So I went online and did something I found completely absurd: I talked to a representative through their online instant messenger application. WTF! Really? How am I supposed to relay the full extent of my hate for them through IM? Should I really use an "Angry Face?"

>:-0

I don't like to because I often use that as my "I'm so pissed you jizzed in my eye! Why do I still have my mouth open for you" face. I would hate to send the wrong message...

After 30 minutes of internet foreplay, she dashed my dreams of ever getting anything good out of it for myself. She simply told me that it wasn't a bank error so she couldn't do anything for me. It is a bank error! I wouldn't be IMing you if it was my fault! I tried to be polite and thank her for her help. That bitch had the audacity to say "the pleasure was all mine." Of course it was! You just ass raped me and got away with it! FUCKING BITCH! (If you IM with a representative name Kirstie, let her know I'm coming to fuck her up!)

Here at SBP, we always talk about who needs a bitch slap; today it's Bank of America. But I want to do something we haven't had the opportunity to do yet: I'm actually going to BITCH SLAP Bank of America tomorrow! If you hear reports of a crazy man bitch slapping employees at a bank, you know it's me. I'll have a conclusion for you guys tomorrow. Wish me luck!

BOOM! HEAD SHOT!

I'm all about slapping bitches, but when i can't, I like to see people get hit with stuff. I know that it says what's going to happen, but the anticipation and the eventual result is just so good!

Christian Bale parody?

So I was looking for a trailer for the new Michael Cera film "Youth in Revolt." While I didn't find it, I did find an interesting clip of Mr. Cera freaking out on set. While I don't believe he can have an aggressive bone in his body, it would concern me if this was real. But my better judgement says that it's just a parody of Christian Bale's Terminator freakout. Even so, no one is laughing. While watching, I want to laugh, but if it's for real, I'd feel like crap. Either way it's entertaining.

Ok, it has to be a joke because while none of the things he says are funny, it just comes off funny because it's the awkward Superbad kid. Good joke Mr. Cera.

Are you in close proximity to Matt?

Then you should slap him. A few days ago I said something to him and he inferred that I was working in pornos. Does he not know me? Would I EVER be in a porno? HELL MUTHAFUCKING NO! It's been in the back of my mind since he said that to me. So please slap the shit outta him, if only so that he can regain his common sense.

The Homeless and the Gym Bunny

So I went to the gym for the first time in awhile today. I always go on the bike first so I sat down and began to peddle away. That was when I saw him; the new face at the gym. And he was FIIIINNE!!!! And for the first time ever I could tell that he was actually gay! It was my first gay sighting at the gym, which should have happened sooner because gays love the gym.

He was wearing a tiny, tight wifebeater that beautifully hugged his hot latino body. And he had a face to die for. Like those really hot guys in those telenovellas that you watch just because he's on it and you can't turn away so you continue to watch it even though the only phrase you know in Spanish is "May I use the bathroom?" (or is that just me? whatever.)

And he had this pair of shorts... ok, let me talk about the shorts for a second. They were a huge distraction. They ended a little above mid-thigh, which with his long dancer's legs, meant they were even shorter than they were supposed to be. And when I said dancer's legs, I meant that the muscles in his thighs alone can crush a watermelon, which made me imagine what it could do to me ;-). And I should point out, I have this crazy thing for legs. I don't know what it is, but a nice pair of calves that leads to a nice pair of thighs which becomes a nice sexy butt... look! At least I'm not some crazy foot guy! But yeah, he was a sight to behold. And in a gym full of straight guys who wear shorts below the knee, I finally got something to stare at!

And stare at it I did. I couldn't help myself. At one point I realized I was peddling so slowly, my machine shut off. That's how mesmerized I was by this hottie. Anyway, I finally finished up on the bike and moved on to my weight exercises. As I walked over, I ran into him again. He was sitting on one of the three machines that I use... right in the middle. This meant I would have to sit next to him; close proximity if I wanted to finish my workout. I ended up circling the gym floor, trying to wait him out so I didn't have to sit by him. Then I realized that I WANT TO SIT BY HIM. I went back over to the machine next to him and sat down, happy to be able to stare at him in the mirror in front of us so he wouldn't catch me looking (anymore).

Then I saw it. Something that I had not seen before. This homeless guy was at the gym, working on the machines. What's more disturbing is that the homeless guy was me! I realized I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. I looked a HOT MESS. My hair and beard were overgrown, looking like someone who forgot what self grooming was. For the first time in history, my face decided to completely breakout. I looked like I smeared pizza grease all over my face. And then I saw what I was wearing: a brown T-shirt, bright blue sweat pants and black skater shoes. I was embarrassed to be out with myself.

I finished my machine workouts in a state of pity and self loathing. I was supposed to go work out on the elliptical, which I decided against seeing as the only one left was the one right next to him.

From now on, I need to do a mirror check before I go to the gym. And just to add how perfect this guy was, when he walked by me, after working out as hard if not harder than me, he smelled delightful. Like a bunch of fucking roses. I on the other hand, smelled like ass.

And I wanted to add something. I felt like a creeper talking so much about his legs but I'm like a sweet Mormon child compared to Matt. He takes pictures of legs he likes on his iPhone. Yet another reason why that phone is unhealthy for him.

I want to be this guy.

While I'm all about smacking a bitch, sometimes you just gotta dance. And what do you do when no one else is partying? Bring the party to them! No matter how long it takes (or how awkwardly executed it is).

Fuck

I broke the tip of my pencil. I seriously need to slap a bitch now...

Dumb A** People Need To Be Slapped

So you know that dumb ass person that is always claiming to help you but you seem to be in a worse position than you were before. I know that dumb ass person and right now I want to slap the fuck out of that _ _ _ _ _ (use your imagination for that word). I have been trying to turn over this new positive leaf and to that I say " FUCK IT".

This particular _ _ _ _ _ is an elder and it's the only thing stopping me from flipping out. But in my mind I really just want to slap her until she swallows her dentures. The dumb ass _ _ _ _ _ is one of those older people that are convinced anyone in their 20's are clueless as to what is going on in the world. Monkey nuts is what I will call her, decided that she wanted to tell me how to write an email. Like what kind of shit is that? Get real!!

If you know a dumb ass like this regardless of sex, age or creed I say just slap them. Slap the bitch HARD and then laugh in their face. It will feel good I promise. Virtually Slapping Money Nuts!

The Gay Apocalypse is upon Us!

Ok. So yesterday was the worst day ever to be a gay man.

The announcement of the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop 8 was met with both cheers and tears. All the same sex couples that got hitched before the passing of Prop 8 are relieved to hear that their marriages are indeed legal, but they still upheld Prop 8. Now that's some bullshit.

If things couldn't get any worse, they announced that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is finally going to become a movie. Sounds like a good thing right? WRONG! Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind the cult television show and critically acclaimed comic series has nothing to do with it. In fact, none of the original cast are even being considered for it. The bitches who made the original piece of shit movie are the ones with the rights. They plan on trying to reboot the franchise in Star Trek fashion. And they are not going off of the TV series (you know, the whole reason people liked Buffy in the first place!), which means that leaves no room for series favorites like Willow, Xander, Spike, Angel, Faith, Giles and Dawn. And what about Buffy herself? They say she might not even be in it! They might go with a new slayer and friends! WTF is that! They want to do a "darker, grittier Buffy reboot." Buffy doesn't need a fucking reboot! The show only ended a few years ago! Season 8 (the comic for those of you who don't have gay friends who go buy it on new comic day) is a HUGE success! Do yourself a favor, call up Whedon so he can just bring everyone back and do this shit right!

You know who I blame this on? Fucking Twilight! Yeah, you knew this was coming. Everyone's vampire crazy now, so why not bring back the biggest name in vampires since Dracula? Fucking Twilight! You're inadvertently raping everything the made growing up good for me! Don't take away my one sacred thing! This is taking a big shit all over Buffy. Just do a movie continuing the series! No one wants to see some stupid Buffy the Vampire movie without Whedon or the cast. Oops I'm sorry! Buffy might not even be in it! I should have said "____ the Vampire Slayer!" AHHHH GAY TANTRUM!

As me and Matt sharpen our stakes and prepare the Scoobies to fuck up some bitches,  I wanted to leave you with this awesome trailer for a documentary called "Outrage." Hey all you anti-gay marriage people! You should check those conservative Republicans that you follow so blindly. Next time you talk to them, check to see if their breath smells like dick. Chances are it does!

My Secret Lover (I Have Issues)

So I have a secret love affair with one of my neighbors... he just doesn't know it yet.

I really don't have a type I guess, but when someone asks my normal answer is: "A guy who can fix my roof/car/sink, who loves watching sports, doesn't think the mall is a fun pastime and doesn't know the difference between a Marc Jacobs dress with Jimmy Choos and a Wal Mart potato sac maternity dress with Crocs." In other words, I basically want a straight guy who just happens to like having sex with men (more specifically me). I guess I have a thing for manly men; like the kind who should be in Brawny commercials. The ones who can barely dress themselves and who always seems to be sweating from doing something active. And that's exactly what my secret lover is like...

I have lived by him coming up on 12 years and I've never even said a word to him. I just drive by his house real slowly and stare without any regard to anyone else on the road. Not stalker like at all. And he's always riding around on his ATV or cleaning off his truck from all the muddin. Yes, my secret lover is SO Redneck! A boat, an ATV, dirt bikes; he has them all. And if he's in the front trying to fix up that broken down truck, don't even talk to me. I want to just sit on the other side of the road with a glass of lemonade, watching as the sun shines down on his shirtless, Adonis body as he takes apart that old junker...

Oh jeez! I have a thing for the redneck guys! Come to think of it, every time I flip through the channels and accidentally stop on CMT, I'm usually greeted by some really hot cowboy singing that I want to make my boyfriend. But who can blame me? They can be so hot. I just need to find the right one. You know, the one without the Confederate Flag, the everlasting love for Jesus and that burning desire to place a burning cross on my lawn. It can't be that hard can it?


The car he actually drives is the called SIN WAGON! I would like a ride in the Sin Wagon. I'd introduce him to sins he's never even heard of before :)

Sticking to the "Nick has Man Issues" theme, I'd like to briefly discuss something that I'm quite embarrassed of. I was watching THS Investigates Prison Love, and I was wondering how these women/men can be crazy enough to get involved with these prisoners. Then I saw a website called WriteaPrisoner.com. Just being bored and curious I went on to check it out. Did you know that there are some hot ass niggas in prison? I mean, places filled with hot, desperate men and I'm NOT there!  Now that's a crime within itself! I've always joked about how I'm desperate enough for a boyfriend, that I'd go to prison, but DAMN! It's looking like a possibility.

And now I know how those people on the special can be so crazy. Because I am. I'm not stupid though. Trying to date someone who's in prison/getting out is so crazy and I would never do that. Or would I? I mean, I'm not going to try and go for a murderer, rapist or child molester. That's sick! But what's so wrong with aggravated robbery? In this economy, I'd steal everything I could get my hands on if I was good at it (and believe me, I am). But I have a conscience so that wouldn't happen either.

But I did see this fine ass muthafucker who only did a little robbery. He's reformed, got his edjumacation and did I mention that he's FINE??? And he gets out very soon. To send him a message or not? Oh I really have issues...

There's an App for that!

Or at least I WISH there was an app for that. This is an awesome parody of the iPhone commercials. Of course there's a million of them out there, but I just love how wrong this is. I post this in honor of Matt: I hope your iPhone comes back to life. I know this is a very trying time for you so I hope this puts a smile on your face... until you realize that your phone is still going to die...

More Videos at IGN.com

I'm in MIAMI BITCH!!!

... ok more like Aventura but it doesn't matter. Thursday was the best day ever! My friend Kristie came to visit me from LA for part of her birthday weekend. I was so excited to see her since it's been a year since we were last in the same city together. So what do we do to celebrate our reunion? We spent the two days together going to the Drive-in, the beach, the mall (twice), lunches and dinners, and one of the coolest clubs ever. But how do we kick it off? How about go to the Aventura Mall, specifically Kate Spade, and go see... DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
We waited around at the store with some serious fashionistas, sipping champagne and checking out the fashions of the store. And then, it was announced... the one and only TIM GUNN is about to come out! Please play the song! Tim Gunn is coming out!
I almost died! I don't feel like I'm the kind of guy who would freak out about celebrities, but I was pretty sure that I was going to start crying hysterically. He is just as awesome as you would think he is. He came out with some important Kate Spade lady who, in the grand scheme of things, really didn't matter. I mean, she's standing next to Tim FUCKING Gunn, we don't care about you bitch! The two of them talked about the importance of accessories to an outfit and dressed a model up and down, giving the audience pointers for a variety of situations. It was quite informative. And you could tell he wasn't just being a celebrity pushing some product. At one point he even talked about clothes that weren't even at the store. He was very real.

Oh! And he loves the word Whimsy. It's a good word. He even said "Make it Work!" and "Carry On!" without even trying like other lame people do with their catchphrases. It just comes out naturally. That's just the way he talks. How cool is that?

I was three feet away from Tim Gunn. All that separated me from him was two handbags and a little girl, who by the way, was the cutest thing ever (the little girl, not the handbag, but that was also cute). There were many Q &A moments and during one the 9 year old girl raised her hand and said "Can you look at me designs?" She had a little portfolio filled with sketches and it was the sweetest thing ever. But then again, she got to have one on one time with Tim because of it, so I'm jealous of the little... girl. I would call her something else, but that's just wrong. But I have no reason to be jealous (even though I do). It was so awesome. Besides...
Guess who's jealous of me and Kristie? You are Bitch!!!!

I've Never Seen it, but apparently it's THAT GAY

I've never seen Top Gun, but now I need to. Apparently it's the gayest thing ever. This clip has made me a believer. A gay coming of age story. Who wants to have a Top Gun movie night with me?

Gym Memoirs: 05/06-05/12

So my life revolves around the gym now, and I find that that's where all my awkward moments happen. No matter how much I keep to myself or how focused I am on the workout, I'm always stuck in a "hide my face" moment. I've been behind with writing about stuff so I figured I'd catch you up:

I was on the bike, cycling away, when I saw this old lady come by my bike and she looked like she was ready to go. She was about to attack the bike next to me. Like hardcore. Halfway into my workout, I look over to see that while she was speeding away on the bike, that she had forgotten to choose any program on the bike. So technically it wasn't even on. Thirty minutes of her pedaling away and she didn't even break a sweat. She left complaining that she didn't get anything out of the workout...

The trainers have noticed I'm the guy who's REALLY into his music. I'm constantly mouthing the words to the songs I'm listening to as I work out. When I cool down, you can find me sorta dancing to the music. I thought that was normal; apparently it isn't. They all walked by once, bobbing their heads with me and smiling. Then I realized that I had become something of an attraction at the gym. One of the guy trainers, who I never noticed before, walked by me twice smiling. He was SO HOT! Then I realized that someone in my sweatpants had noticed that fact as well...

Today was a special day though. It was like a two for one embarrassing day:

I ended up working out next to my secret gym crush. He's the towering, hot silent type. We were on the elliptical machines, just going at it, when I noticed that his very defined arms where sweaty... no... glistening. Then there was about five minutes that I can't account for. All I can remember is that I was fucking him with my eyes, my mouth was dropped, and I'm pretty sure I started to drool...

I was adjusting a seat on the one of the weight machines, when a very hot guy I never saw before started to walk by. I went to sit on the seat and well... You know the Tower of Terror at Disney? My reaction would have been more appropriate on that ride. I fell down to the bottom rung on the seat with a loud crash that everyone in the gym heard. Oh, and I yelled like a little bitch. The hot guy gave the cutest smile as he walked by and even talked to me a little as he was coming back from the water fountain. That made my day. I'm just glad I didn't scream like a little girl like I always do...

I lied. Three for one. I was walking into the locker room to use the restroom before I left and I almost ran into a naked old man. I turned the corner and within a split second I jumped out of the way of his extremely saggy front side. With my hands in the air, I yelled "DONE" and ran out...

Can't wait to see what the gym has in store for me tomorrow!

Going to Hell is my Thing

Ok, so I make fun of 9/11, you wanna fight about it? I can't say, "Oh, my cousin was there." or "Oh, my sister's best friend's aunt was on a plane." so I don't actually have any reasoning for why it's okay to make fun of 9/11 other than the fact that I think it's funny. But this bitch was also making fun of swine flu while it was out there doing it's thing, and if I was alive when Titanic sank I probably would have been making Titanic jokes. Honestly, I know it sucked, bad, like really bad, but the opportunity is always there to make a joke. If something SUCKS EPICALLY I enjoy saying, "Man, this is worse than 9/11..."

Okay, so you understand my messed-up side of this subject. And if anyone out there who reads SBP Handbook did have anyone related to the tragedy experience hell or a loss, I apologize, but I won't apologize if you yell at me for making jokes and you just defend 9/11 because that's the American thing to do. Go play Twin Tower Tetris then. I'm gonna make fun of 9/11, Muslims, the British, God, ants, myself, rednecks, and everyone else who sucks once in a while [and honeys, we ALL suck once in a while...]

Wanda Sykes is a famous comedian who recently had the privilege of speaking at the White House Correspondents Dinner for our president and selected elected officials. She's a black democratic lesbian, so you can pretty much tell she falls on the left just a bit. But apparently she is in some hot water for making a joke mainly about Rush Limbaugh that had a reference to 9/11. Check it out.



So yeah. Mr. President also happened to smile at that joke? Un-American, or is it still too soon? It's not like I'm making fun of some poor guy who was trapped on the top floor of the North Tower. It's not like Ms. Sykes was making light of the murder of all those innocent people on the planes. I think she's making fun of Rush Limbaugh, and making fun of Rush Limbaugh is like cornbread: ain't nothing wrong with that.

Tremors at Tire Kingdom

So I am trapped in the waiting room all day. It's not so bad except for the earthquake machine sitting by me. If when you snore you're categorized as a natural disaster for Californians, then don't punish the public by falling asleep outside of your own bed. It may be relaxing for you, but my ears are bleeding... Seriously, we're hitting 8.6 on the Richter scale over here. Headphones, you are my Savior!

Oh fuck! I just felt an aftershock!





- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

I Had My Bloody PERIOD...

And it hurt like a bitch!

Now you may be wondering "Hey Nick! Aren't you someone who's attached to a penis, which in turn means you can't have a period?" Well first of all, YOU DON'T KNOW ME! How would you know if I had my period or not? Do you go tampon shopping with me? I think not...

I should let you know, I know a lot about periods (and I'm quite scared of them). I had very awkward run-ins on my bus when it comes to the topic of the blood flow from down below. There was the one tirade by this crazy bitch screaming for all of us to hear "That's my tampon string you ignorant bitch! I'M ON MY PERIOD!" (I should let you know, she totally said that like the angry Incredible Hulk). Or the fact that we decided to do very stupid things like have tampon wars, where we fire tampons at each other and squirt fake red gunk at each other. Ok, I need to stop talking about high school. I'm embarrassing myself.

But if we can touch on that stupid bitch on the bus for a moment: OF COURSE we know you're on your period! It's not our problem that we can ALL see your tampon string hanging out. Of course we're going to laugh at you. You brought that on yourself.

But in any case, back to me and my man period. I guess I should say that there was no blood flow happening over here, but it wasn't a cake walk either. I had to deal with something that all you ladies all have to deal with: MUTHAFUCKING CRAMPS! Ok, it was A CRAMP. But it hurt so bad for so long. I was so miserable. I couldn't move for hours. I just laid in my bed, wanting to end my life. And what did I do to deserve this? I woke up this morning. Fucking Life...

Anyway, I got great advice from a female friend, who also happens to know a thing or two about periods and cramps (Go Figure!). So I took some aspirin, laid on a heating pad, and had some comfort food. I was going to lay there and watch the new episode of Gossip Girl I had missed. I was so excited! But when I went to the CW online, I was not greeted by a new GG episode. They STILL hadn't posted it! WTF! How could they do this to me? How could God do this to ME? I was in hell and they were taking away the ONE THING that would bring me joy!

Don't they know I was on my period?

Worst/Best Line from a Movie Ever!

I hear that the movie Shark Attack is pretty terrible. So a clip from Shark Attack 3 isn't very promising... But I recently found out that this line is a REALLY big deal. I'm always late to the party...

Anyway, it is quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever heard! So I should set up the scene (or at least what other people tell me the scene is): their good friend just died by a shark attack. So as you're watching the scene, try and figure out what doesn't belong.

Mind My Chester French

I love music, but it's not everyday that an artist/band comes out with music that completely and utterly rocks my face off. Enter the boys of Chester French. They have been on heavy rotation ever since their mixtape "Jacques Jams, VOL. 1: Endurance" hit the interweb.

This is about the time that I talk about my favorite tracks, but I can't do that. It would be wrong to just talk about just one. This is the most complete album I've heard in a very long time and it's just a free online mixtape. Yes FREE! It tells a story, with great, hilarious skits in between, that talks about their rise from Harvard graduates, to making their debut album and hanging out with the likes of Pharrell and Diddy. I honestly can't believe that an album this awesome exists. If I were to ever make an album, this is exactly how it would be.

It mixes rock, hip hop, soul and everything in between. And it's not some crazy mix-match that doesn't make sense. It just flows together seamlessly. It just freakin works! Let's not even talk about the guest stars on the mixtape. Ok, let's name them: Diddy, Pharrell, Common, Talib Kweli, Bun B, Janelle Monae, Pusha from the Clipse, Solange, Jadakiss, Cassie and Jermaine Dupri among others. Yeah, it looks like I'm not the only one who's caught the Chester French bug...

Their debut album, "Love the Future," just came out and from what I've seen, has been getting some great reviews. I'm waiting to buy the album (yes, I said BUY not DOWNLOAD), because I'm not sure which package I want to buy from them. I'm actually a VIP member so I have SO many choices. Oh, and if you're wondering if their awesomeness is just being blown out of proportion by my fanboy ways, I should let you in on some of the packages they offer: I can have them play basketball with me and hang out, come have a slumber party at my house where they cook breakfast and serenade my mother, OR going on a freakin African Safari with them! Yeah, they're that awesome...

If you want to check out the mixtape (which i know you do), you can download it from their website:

http://www.chesterfrench.com/mixtape/

I'll have a review of their debut album when I finally decide what package I'm getting. Who wants to see me on an African Safari? Cross your fingers...

The Most Interesting Commercial in the World

I'm totally obsessed with the "The Most Interesting Man in the World" commercial by Dos Equis. I don't drink Dos Equis; I don't even drink that much beer for that matter. But I LOVE this ad. I think it's because I already see myself as the Most Interesting Man in the World... the world just doesn't know this yet. And even if I'm not (although I totally am), it gives me something to aspire to be.

After doing some digging, I found all these other ads. This guy is the new Chuck Norris. Yeah, I said it! He's that awesome.

Was about to go to hell, But I got a black man's approval

Well everyone, I need to share this video with you. It's pretty epic and you'll see why. There's not much more that can be said about it. You be the judge, whose at fault here?





So, whose going to hell now? Not I!

Matt's Worst Nightmare

I lost all access to my technology for 2 hours. Two of the most excruciating hours of my life. No Facebook, no computer, no tweeting (I can't believe I just wrote that) and the worst.... no iPhone.

Matt would have died. All he cares about is his iPhone. He almost died when he went without it for a few hours back when we were at school. In fact, the only reason I'm writing this is because he thought it was an important enough event that I needed a post about it. He called it the apocalypse. It's that serious to him...

I did have Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, so that makes up for it... no it doesn't. It was still terrible.

The weird thing is that my Internet was fine. I tried it out on my PS3. But for some reason everything else was haywire. I really think someone is trying to kill me. First destroy my bodily health and now my mental health (it really did drive me crazy).

Conspiracy I tell you!

He Touched Me in My Special Place

I went on yet another adventure to the post office today. As I stood in the long ass line, a little boy stood next to me. As the line moved, I realized the kid was mimicking me. Everything I did, he did. It was cute at first, then quickly became annoying.

Every time the line moved, I realized the kid was getting closer and closer to me. I soon found the little pest to be practically on top of me. I would have said something but I was currently in a state of shock: Did he just cop a feel?

I'm pretty sure he just grabbed my ass. He didn't brush it; This was full on grab ass! I know what grab ass feels like: my ass has always been a target among my straight friends. This kid was grabbing with a purpose. What was I supposed to do? His parents weren't around and if I made a scene, chances are I'd be the one getting in trouble for being engaged in a compromising situation with a minor.

So I just slid over again and pretended it didn't happen. Maybe it really was in my head. I had to be blowing this out of proportion. But then as I was leaving the line, the kid brushed his hand on my package... and not the one I was mailing.

In some sick way I think I had that coming. I said I wanted guys to start hitting on me more and I guess they have... this one just happened to be 12.

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Bitch Slap the Piggies

Okay, my vacation is officially over, and now I come back to Florida to worry about this pig shit. I don't understand how the fuck we can go from birds getting us sick, to pigs getting us sick, to some kind of number N1H1 fuck getting us sick, but we gotta fucking stop this shit. Stop using that antibacterial hand soap bitches, you know it's making germs harder to kill. Deal with your little cold or committing a faux pas.

And those masks that all the Mexicans and Chinese are wearing now? What the fuck is that gonna do? You know you're going to go home on the train and touch some bitch's snot on a handrail and get the fucking illness when you take your ugly-ass mask off and pick your nose in the "safety" of your home while no one's watching.

Anyways, if we all start acting smart for once and not like a bunch of collective dumbasses we won't face a massive pandemic.

I'm going to eat some sausage now.

Final Fantasy XIII is going to be EPIC... Brah!

So I love Final Fantasy and the recent previews and reviews of the demo are awesome. IGN did their own English dub of a scene from the demo and I find it quite fitting.  While I know the game won't be like this, a very small part of me wishes it would be. SO FUNNY! I'm getting a nerd boner just thinking about it.

More Videos at IGN.com

Getting that Winn Dixie Poonani

So I will never go to Winn Dixie to return anything ever again!

I went to the customer service desk and a really pretty girl walked behind the counter to help me. As she started processing things, we made small talk. Then we had to wait for her manager to come and finish the transaction. That was the LONGEST 15 minutes of my life.

Next time I won't say a damn thing. I realized that my "small talk" had been on the fast track to "dinner and a movie."  She started laughing at everything I said, which is normal because everyone laughs at me, but then I saw her playing with her hair flirtatiously. I knew I was in trouble. I kept looking for the fucking manager, but no one was in sight. 

She started to sing whatever Natasha Bedingfield song that was playing throughout the store as I awkwardly nodded my head to the beat and searched for the manager. After the song, she proclaimed that we just had a cute little duet. Bitch, if it was a duet I would have been singing too, not trying to pretend you weren't there!

This girl was bold. Bolder than I could ever hope to be. She let me know that she was going to be off of work in 40 minutes. That's nice. Like I care? Let me get my money back so that I can fucking leave. But no, she had to say it: "Are you hungry? Wanna go grab something after I get off?" 

HELL NO I'M NOT HUNGRY! WHERE MY MONEY AT BITCH?

I proceeded to let her know that I had just ate. I then witnessed the excitement wash away on her face. While I'm flattered by her asking me out, I'm just not that into her. Well, I'm just not that into vagina to be exact. 

Why is it that girls constantly throw themselves at me but I can't get any play with guys? Any guys at all! I'm not fucking picky. You point out a guy and 9 times out of 10 I'd hit that. I might not tell people about it, but I'd hit that nonetheless. Just my luck, it's only girls who want to get into my pants. I'm so sick of chicks hitting on me. Am I giving off some type of "I like to Fuck Vagina" pheromone or something? I need to give off "Nick Likes Mangina" from now on. Maybe I should just be blatantly obvious: write "Nick for Dicks" on my forehead. Ugh!

And I should explain my state of dress... I had just come back from the gym, I took a quick shower, put on my raggedy bum clothes and went to the store. I was NOT looking cute. Yet somehow I was a chick magnet.

So finally the manager came and processed the return. I watched as the girl tried to secretly talk about me to the manager who also happened to be female. Too bad they were right in front of me and not the least bit discreet. The girl reached for the pen on the counter but touched my hand "by mistake." The pen was WAY on the other side of the counter. She just wanted to hold my hand, which would have been cute to me if she was blessed with a penis. I wrote down my information, took my receipt and said goodbye, to which she giggled and said "You made my day! I'll see you around." Yeah... no, I'm going to Publix from now on.

Then  it remembered when I got to my car... I had to write down my phone number on the store receipt. Now this girl has my phone number. I give up! Time to go to the dark side... The Poonani side.

Love Story in the Walgreens Parking Lot

This old lady was fucking me with her eyes as I was getting in my car to leave. She was on her break, smoking a cigarette and looked like she's been around the block a few times. I'm pretty sure she was imagining sucking me off as she went at the cigarette in her mouth.

Could it have been my cut off jean shorts? My cute ass Hurley shirt? Or the Nick and Norah soundtrack bangin from my '04 Jetta?

But nonetheless, we had a moment. And I broke her heart as I drove away.... grillin as I gave her my stank face.

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

I Deserve a Merit Badge in Creepiness

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I was on my way to my friend Vanessa's house for a fun evening together, when something strange happened. I looked over at the car next to me and I saw a very hot guy beside me. I saw in his back window a uniform hanging. So of course I got turned on. Who doesn't like a hot guy in uniform?

Then I realized what kind of uniform it was: Boy Scouts. Tell me why my initial reaction was to wonder if he's one of those leaders who loves the little boys? What's more disturbing is that my mind thought that if he was, then maybe I had a shot with him; because if he liked boys then he must obviously like men.

WTF is wrong with me. So apparently I want a pedo boy scout leader. Yeah, I have issues. Please slap me!

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

This is exactly how I feel...

This one's for Josh. I posted it on my Facebook, but I have to keep sharing it.

Keri Hilson: Finally Getting Her Due

NOW STOP! NOW LET ME SEE YA BOOTY DROP!

I absolutely love Keri Hilson's debut album "In a Perfect World." It's been the soundtrack to my life since it came out. I feel like I need to just make a segment called: "Nick's Favorite Things." But then Oprah would ass rape me with lawsuits, and who would dare intentionally bring about the wrath of God? Fuck that. This is "Nick's Objects that he Somewhat Cares About." Eat that God!

*shakes fist angrily then asks for forgiveness by placing hand on O Magazine*

Anyway, Keri Hilson... she's been writing songs as part of the collective known as The Clutch, writing songs for artists such as Britney Spears, Ciara and Ludacris as well as  being featured on multiple songs from artists like Timbaland, Diddy, Llyod Banks and Chris Brown (but he didn't beat her up).  She's also made cameos in videos such as Usher's "Love in the Club", Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent" and Nelly's "Party People."

So she's really been hitting the circuit hard, even before releases 4 videos before her debut album's release. It's obvious that she knows what she's doing: her album is BANANAS! (Please spell out Gwen Stefani style). 

Her singles have already been very great standouts: "Energy", "Return the Favor", "Turnin' Me On", and the crazy good "Knocks You Down." And the hits don't stop there. Some of my personal favorites, or what I somewhat care about (sorry O), are "Slow Dance", "Intuition", "How Does It Feel", and the club banger "Get Your Money Up." NOW STOP! NOW LET ME SEE YA BOOTY DROP! (I love that part). 

The album features Kanye West, Ne-Yo, Lil' Wayne, Keyshia Cole, Trina and Timbaland, but they never overpower her. They actually come off as special guests rather than heavy hitters to make the song good. She does that on her own.

So let me stop gushing over her. Go get this album. 'Nuff Said!

*I would have included Akon above but he sounds like a HOT MESS on "Change Me." If anything, you should check that just to hear how horrible he sounds.