Going to Hell is my Thing

Ok, so I make fun of 9/11, you wanna fight about it? I can't say, "Oh, my cousin was there." or "Oh, my sister's best friend's aunt was on a plane." so I don't actually have any reasoning for why it's okay to make fun of 9/11 other than the fact that I think it's funny. But this bitch was also making fun of swine flu while it was out there doing it's thing, and if I was alive when Titanic sank I probably would have been making Titanic jokes. Honestly, I know it sucked, bad, like really bad, but the opportunity is always there to make a joke. If something SUCKS EPICALLY I enjoy saying, "Man, this is worse than 9/11..."

Okay, so you understand my messed-up side of this subject. And if anyone out there who reads SBP Handbook did have anyone related to the tragedy experience hell or a loss, I apologize, but I won't apologize if you yell at me for making jokes and you just defend 9/11 because that's the American thing to do. Go play Twin Tower Tetris then. I'm gonna make fun of 9/11, Muslims, the British, God, ants, myself, rednecks, and everyone else who sucks once in a while [and honeys, we ALL suck once in a while...]

Wanda Sykes is a famous comedian who recently had the privilege of speaking at the White House Correspondents Dinner for our president and selected elected officials. She's a black democratic lesbian, so you can pretty much tell she falls on the left just a bit. But apparently she is in some hot water for making a joke mainly about Rush Limbaugh that had a reference to 9/11. Check it out.



So yeah. Mr. President also happened to smile at that joke? Un-American, or is it still too soon? It's not like I'm making fun of some poor guy who was trapped on the top floor of the North Tower. It's not like Ms. Sykes was making light of the murder of all those innocent people on the planes. I think she's making fun of Rush Limbaugh, and making fun of Rush Limbaugh is like cornbread: ain't nothing wrong with that.

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped

WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!

Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.

The best food for Recession

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this recession. In the true nature of Slapping Bitches Production, there are quite a few number of bitches I would like to slap for this whole economic crisis. Including both democrats and republicans for being dumbasses (but republicans more.)

But two people I don't want to slap are Ben and Jerry.

Probably the best fucking thing to enjoy during a recession is ice cream. I mean, fuck, can you think of any other food that will make you happier? Times are tough, and I need something to enjoy in life.

I don't even care about the fat in it either. It's a recession, I know that I won't be getting the best guys out there right now, so I can look fat and ugly for a while. When the economy bounces back I'll make sure to do my part and spend money at the gym. But for now my boyfriend's $7.78 goes to a one gallon bucket of cookies-n-cream semen of the gods.

By the way the answer was 1,750 quarts. That's how many quarts of ice cream were on Titanic's maiden voayge. Rich-ass mother-fuckers knew how to drown.

LAST FOUR DAYS!

Okay, it's time I shared something that is part of daily life here in Florida. There's a chain of appliance stores called Appliance Direct, and I was actually in one today. They pride themselves in having discount prices on appliances because they either sell them without the hassle of a salesman, or they're scratch and dented, but brand new with warranty. If you are from around here, you've probably figure out who I'm talking about.

They have many commercials on TV and on the radio. Especially the fucking radio. I can't listen to live 105.1 anymore because they are sucking the dick of Appliance Direct. A few weeks back around the last days of February I was outside doing some garden work with my boyfriend and one of our roommates. We took the radio outside and tuned in to listen to our favorite station. What did we here?

"Hello!" The words of Sam, the Asian who is wakkie-nu-nu for "apiances!" We heard him SIX TIMES. SIX FUCKING TIMES. Fuck appliances. I'm all for functionality of a kitchen in times of a recession, whatever the fuck that is, but no. This is enough. Fuck them all.

Not Sam, however. He's the fucking man. I'd suck his white porcelain lined washing machines for him. Man's got a fucking dick on him probably, for an Asian. It's the cunt (excuse me, get over it) of a wife of his. We don't know her name but my boyfriend calls her the pig lady.

For some reason I see her as the dumb bitch in Titanic whose grandmother is the old lady. She doesn't know shit, she just does what she is told. Same gets some handcuffs and a leash and tells his bitch to get customers. Bitch does what she is told, she can suck his dick tonight.

I have no respect for that annoying bitch. Am I sexist? Fuck no, I'm a faggot. Take a look at this video that I'm posting with this and you can get the idea how annoying this shit is. The mother-fucking truck in the video I saw today and I want to take a dump on it screaming "I AM the man!"

Matt Says Hello

Hello there friends! This is Matt, saying a bit about myself so you can all get to know me better and what I complain about. Nick wrote a wonderful introduction for me, but I just wanted to share a few more of my obsessions. quirks, and annoying habits.

Let's start off by talking about the elephant in the room- Titanic. Yes, I should have went to Titanic school, or at least should have founded a Titanic school. Since the young age of 7 that sunken ship has been my live. So get ready for me to use examples of modern day annoyances and how I'm annoyed people let the sinking happen. Fuck icebergs.

I'm also rather passive-aggressive. Now, that isn't my best quality but who the fuck cares. That's how I am and how I handle situations with the people I know. Rather than deal with not being hungry I'd prefer to make an epic production where I complain about my stomach hurting and an empty wallet and how someone isn't paying me any attention. On that note I was in theater in high school and some of college. Whatever. You'll notice that I will eventually complain about myself, so don't think I just a nasty person to everybody....I'm a nasty person to myself too.

People are annoying. Yes, so are you (and I.)

My home state is Massachusetts which I believe is the most liberal state in the union, so you probably can assume what my views are on a lot of things, also being gay. However I'll do my best to present both sides of anything political, religious or controversial when I complain about them. Trust me. Do it, you won't.

Humor isn't really what I'm all about, but every once in a while I have pretty big moments where I am funny, causing the people around me to laugh for a few minutes. I take pride in those moments, so I am looking forward to accidental having a few in the blog.

Back when Myspace was all the rage (OK, like, two years ago, before I deleted it) I was known for my blogs. They included fun music lyrics that related to the subject, and quotes from some of my friends because it was Myspace and to get views on your profile you either had to make your friends happy or put up shirtless pics. Well, it was easier to type a few words than to go to the gym, so to answer my narcissistic side I blogged.

Speaking of narcissistic, I'm gay and whoever I want I usually get.

Now that's the note I want to end this on! Stay tuned for my first real blog about black guys who are 6'5" tall and can't fit on spiral stairs. Won't wanna miss that shit, now would you?

Welcome to the SBP Handbook!

Here at Slapping Bitches Productions (Yes, we really are Slapping Bitches Productions), we want to change the world.  But since we're in a Recession, we settled for a blog.

This blog is basically a handbook to life according to SBP. Since I keep throwing the name around, I should explain who we are. My Name is Nick, and along with my two best friends Ayesha and Matt, would like to help you gain the strength to slap that bitch we all know and most times hate... life.

We are all film school graduates who probably should have done something else with our lives. Ayesha is the most fashionable person ever, I'm a writer and Matt... well he loves the Titanic. See! We should have gone to Fashion/Writing/Titanic School instead. 

We're very diverse so we'll write about everything. When I say everything, chances are I mean EVERYTHING! (Matt LOVES the Titanic) Everything from reality television to that annoying bitch that we all have to deal with because he's best friend's with one of your friends so you have to be polite (I fucking hate that guy! Let's kill him).

Music, Movies, Television, Video Games, Books, Fashion, and Gadgets will all be the norm but expect random musings about all the crazy, annoying B.S. that happens in life. That's always fun. It will all be here at some point, so you're bound to find something just for you (Did I mention that Titanic shit will be on this? Fucking Matt). Oh, and I love cursing...

I should warn you, we hate ugly things. Ugly clothes, ugly people, ugly babies... we hate them all. So I guarantee you that there will be special posts about just that. And of course, as you can tell by the name, we will be slapping bitches over here. So if you don't enjoy other people bitching about stuff that you're too scared and repressed to bitch about, then you should get off the Internet. That's all it really is. Go outside; enjoy the sunshine and global warming. But if you LOVE people bitching about any and everything, then welcome home!