The Homeless and the Gym Bunny

So I went to the gym for the first time in awhile today. I always go on the bike first so I sat down and began to peddle away. That was when I saw him; the new face at the gym. And he was FIIIINNE!!!! And for the first time ever I could tell that he was actually gay! It was my first gay sighting at the gym, which should have happened sooner because gays love the gym.

He was wearing a tiny, tight wifebeater that beautifully hugged his hot latino body. And he had a face to die for. Like those really hot guys in those telenovellas that you watch just because he's on it and you can't turn away so you continue to watch it even though the only phrase you know in Spanish is "May I use the bathroom?" (or is that just me? whatever.)

And he had this pair of shorts... ok, let me talk about the shorts for a second. They were a huge distraction. They ended a little above mid-thigh, which with his long dancer's legs, meant they were even shorter than they were supposed to be. And when I said dancer's legs, I meant that the muscles in his thighs alone can crush a watermelon, which made me imagine what it could do to me ;-). And I should point out, I have this crazy thing for legs. I don't know what it is, but a nice pair of calves that leads to a nice pair of thighs which becomes a nice sexy butt... look! At least I'm not some crazy foot guy! But yeah, he was a sight to behold. And in a gym full of straight guys who wear shorts below the knee, I finally got something to stare at!

And stare at it I did. I couldn't help myself. At one point I realized I was peddling so slowly, my machine shut off. That's how mesmerized I was by this hottie. Anyway, I finally finished up on the bike and moved on to my weight exercises. As I walked over, I ran into him again. He was sitting on one of the three machines that I use... right in the middle. This meant I would have to sit next to him; close proximity if I wanted to finish my workout. I ended up circling the gym floor, trying to wait him out so I didn't have to sit by him. Then I realized that I WANT TO SIT BY HIM. I went back over to the machine next to him and sat down, happy to be able to stare at him in the mirror in front of us so he wouldn't catch me looking (anymore).

Then I saw it. Something that I had not seen before. This homeless guy was at the gym, working on the machines. What's more disturbing is that the homeless guy was me! I realized I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. I looked a HOT MESS. My hair and beard were overgrown, looking like someone who forgot what self grooming was. For the first time in history, my face decided to completely breakout. I looked like I smeared pizza grease all over my face. And then I saw what I was wearing: a brown T-shirt, bright blue sweat pants and black skater shoes. I was embarrassed to be out with myself.

I finished my machine workouts in a state of pity and self loathing. I was supposed to go work out on the elliptical, which I decided against seeing as the only one left was the one right next to him.

From now on, I need to do a mirror check before I go to the gym. And just to add how perfect this guy was, when he walked by me, after working out as hard if not harder than me, he smelled delightful. Like a bunch of fucking roses. I on the other hand, smelled like ass.

And I wanted to add something. I felt like a creeper talking so much about his legs but I'm like a sweet Mormon child compared to Matt. He takes pictures of legs he likes on his iPhone. Yet another reason why that phone is unhealthy for him.

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped

WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!

Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.