Food Just Got Sexier

It's Official: food now wants to have sex with us. I'm not sure if I really oppose the idea right now. It would make quite the delicious one night stand. You can't tell me that a cannoli isn't asking for you to just stick it in? And I see how some of you guys look at those tacos...

Ok, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I point this out is because every time I watch a food commercial lately, it leaves me wanting... but I'm certainly not hungry if you get what I'm saying. Two such commercials are the new Milky Way and Quiznos commercials.

I have to say, the Milky Way one doesn't really do it for me. Yeah, the Milky Way is talking very sensual and trying to be very discrete, but I want a candy bar that's forceful. It has to let me know what it wants me to do with it. I'm not trying to have an affair with a Whatchamacallit here! I don't want more caramel in every bite! I want you to give me the Milky Way all over my face bitch! (That was for Matt)

Now the Quiznos commercial for their new Torpedo; now that's a sandwich I can hang with. That toaster... yeah, he's a G. From the get go, no playing around. He gets right up in there and let's that guy know what he wants him to do to him. And he makes that sandwich maker his bitch! And once you hear the babymaking music start up, you know it's over. And did you see how they slide that sandwich into the wrapper? The Torpedo wants to do you.

And for a while, all I wanted was a torpedo in my mouth. Yeah, I said it. TORPEDO IN MY MOUTH! And I wasn't the only one thinking it! My friend Emily and I would often comment about how good those torpedoes looked. Eventually, we were craving them every night!

Today I treated Emily on her lunch break to a torpedo. We both took part in the torpedo experience. She had a torpedo, I had a torpedo... this is starting to sound like a really dirty film.

And I gotta tell you, I loved having over a foot long of torpedo in my mouth. I'm a dirty boy.

OK, so the winner is definitely Quiznos torpedo. I mean, once I'm done with the 3-4 inches of Milky Way, I'd be a little disappointed. Maybe even laugh about it with some of my friends. But the torpedo... yeah, that thing can deliver for a LOOOONNNG time.

Here are the commercials, you be the judge.

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped

WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!

Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.