Monday, January 31, 2011

Adventures with White People!

White People...

I know them. I love them. I date one. And one night, I got a first hand look at all their crazy.

A while back, I hung out with my old friend and neighbor Navaar. He invited me over for a barbeque one night and while I was not enthused about the idea of hanging out with him and his mystery friends, but I had to. I am black... Who the fuck am I to turn down free food?

I went over to his place to find out that he was having people over without his father's knowledge while he was supposed to be watching his 10 year old little brother. In fact, his father had no idea he was having a barbeque and using his extremely expensive grill to do so. So as I watched as his little brother play unsupervised with the bonfire that was feet away from setting the house ablaze, I should have looked at the red flags popping up and walked home... but I wanted my free food damn it!

Hours later, we're sitting on the back porch as the upstanding and not at all terrible excuse for a human being, Rory teaches Navaar's little brother how to play poker. I would be fine with this except for the fact the the 30 year old was actively trying to cheat this kid out of his birthday money.

I learned lot from my Rory encounter. Not only was he Navaar's trainer, he also turned out to be a total douchebag. I got to hear all about his life and how he loves his girlfriend and hates his wife. Yes, this awesome guy gets to have two lucky ladies! He gets pleasure out of telling his wife that he's cheating and openly reminds her how he doesn't give two shits about her. I watched as he texted his girlfriend he loved her and picked up his phone to scream at his wife that he wants her dead. But it's ok though; he only married his wife because he wanted to use her for her money and sex until he got back on his feet... Wait... WHAT?

After all this, you would think I would just finish my juicy steak and go home right? No. Because I'm a stupid bitch! *Flips scarf over shoulder*

A half an hour later, I'm in the car with Navaar and our friend Max driving to Hooters because the boys wanted to get a close up look at the things they're not allowed to touch. Seeing as I don't spend much time at the classy establishment, I had no idea that they closed before 11:30 so driving around the parking lot at midnight was really fun for me. As they decided to go to the Hard Rock because now they had a gay friend to help them get with women, I learned something that I never thought to ask before I got into the car...

(Ask ANY question about the car)

It wasn't Navaar's car. Ok... it's Rory's car that he lent him. That's cool. There was no reason to worry, right? When the car has no insurance, expired tags and is a couple of miles from completely falling a part, you realize this is around the time that you should reflect on the mistakes that took you to jail. Oh! And Navaar didn't have a license. Time to figure out who is going to help me post bail.

The night went on for one more embarrassing hour of getting no play at the Hard Rock and ended with us going to our respective homes without even talking to someone of the opposite sex. You would think that after all that, I would conclude my study, record my results and never talk to those idiots again...

Unfortunately, these guys are my friends and thusly, have helped spawn a sequel.


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