Sunday, March 29, 2009

Best Cover EVER

Enough of these gay posts from me, bitches. I have something fun for all you music lovers.

We all know the song "Hot N Cold" by famous girl-kissing Katy Perry. I for one, enjoy the song whenever it's on the radio. And no offense to Ms. Perry, for a long time I thought Pink sang that song. I mean come on, they both have lesbian themes in their work. For Christ's sake, look at Pink and tell me she's not a lesbo! Hard to do, isn't it?

But I digress...

Here's a cover to "Hot N Cold" by the Ukrainian band Los Colorados. You HAVE to check it out!

Don't ignore this, bitch!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped


WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!


Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.


Friday, March 27, 2009

PSA


This is something serious that everyone in life has had to deal with at some time or another and if you have not then the number at the bottom is especially for you. You ever have an annoying ass person that follows you around, shows up to your house or functions uninvited, never gets the hint that no one likes them, even after you make it clear that you want nothing to do with them they shove themselves on you. It's really sad and many of today's youth has to deal with these sad sad desperate ass individuals who have no life. 

Im here to solve your problem. I understand that you're just to kind or you may not give a shit like I do, but the person needs any extra hint. Here is your solution: The Rejection Hotline for GA: 4042601318, NY: 2126602245, LA: 310735099. To get rid of that guy/girl calling and leaving voicemail after voicemail when it was just a One Night Stand: 2122013517. For the ones that I think is the worst a person with Body Odor: 6319607171 or Bad Breath: 6309607178. After all of this if the dumb ass still does not get the hint and still decides that you want a hug everyday or hear about their stupid ass life you could always just, SLAP A BITCH!

Staring A** Mofo's & My Chiropractor

Don't you just hate when people stare in your face like they want to sex you down on the spot? That shit annoys me like no other. Why the fuck cant you just take a damn glimpse? I understand you may like what you see but DAMN!! Then there is the other instance which I understand it maybe hard to look away but ugly people need their privacy to. This morning I'm just minding my business and this couple is staring at me like I was there lover in a past life. Like wtf.... Can I help you, Would you look to cop a feel, Welcome to Good Burger home of the Good Burger can I take your order? No bitch!!! I just need to know what it is I can do to keep you out my face? Since it's Friday I wont slap all the bitches, oh what the heck I cant help it. Im slapping all you big eye, staring bitches that need to get a life. 


Im also slapping my damn chiropractor for saying that I need 6 weeks of treatment. I know I don't need that much but he is just trying to get all he can out of the insurance company. When I go to the appointment his dumb ass cracks my neck and says "see you in 2 days". I don't want to see his ass no more. Can you just crack my neck and back and give up this whole 6 week thing. So that dumb ass is getting smacked 2 times, actually 3 times for having that ugly ass decor in his place of business. 

Twilight and the Age of Bitch Ass Vampires

I'm going to be assassinated after this post. I will miss you all. But honestly, FUCK TWILIGHT!

No movie has done more to de-fang the awesomeness that is vampires than this Laguna Beach wannabe.  

I should tell you that I have NOT watched Twilight. So you ask yourself "Why would you bash something you haven't even seen?" Good question reader. I know myself. I love mushy, stupid girly things that make you cry and believe in the power of love. I'm sure if I watched Twilight, I'd be like all the Twilight fans out there acting like pre-teen bitches, getting all tingly in their vaginas over the mere sight of a Twilight poster. I can't let that happen. Why you ask? Besides the fact that I'm partial to my penis and what little manhood I have left, there's only one other reason: Because this movie takes vampires, arguably one of the most badass creatures ever, and turn them into emo, crybaby pussies.

I don't want to watch a movie about some lame ass bitches that run around DURING THE DAY, drink ANIMAL BLOOD, and want to fall in love. Vampires kill bitches! They run around at night, kicking ass and viciously ripping into whore's necks.

I heard that the two bitches in the movie don't even have sex until the last book. THE LAST FUCKING BOOK. If he was a real vampire, he'd fuck the bitch sideways in the air, bite the shit out of her neck and decide whether or not he likes her enough for another go around or if he wants to let the stupid bitch die. That's how real vampires get shit done!

Oh, and as for the whole "walking around in daylight" thing. I get that they explain some stupid explanation for why they can do that. But how is it when they actually get touched by the light, they dazzle. DAZZLE MUTHAFUCKER! That's the gayest thing I ever heard! They took what is quite possibly the coolest thing about their death, and reduced it to a fucking glitterfest! Vampires bodies can shrivel up, catch on fire as they run around like a fireball of death, or in the coolest cases, BLOW THE FUCK UP! Ashes everywhere! Now that's entertainment.

I have no problem with love stories. I love love stories. And love stories with vampires would be EPIC for me. Infusing vampires with teen issues is nothing new and has been done exceptionally well before (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bitches!). But I refuse to watch something that destroys everything good about vampires. Besides, everyone looks lame anyway. "Look at me! I'm pale, moody and look like I should be in a Abercrombie ad. But don't I look good doing my Blue Steel face?!" 

And it's never going to go away. 3 more fucking movies! Ugh...

If it was a just world, Buffy would be in the last book, fucking up Edward and all his model bitches and causing massive, disturbing bloodshed. Oh to dream...


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Twitter: WTF

I'm a young guy, up on all the new gadgets and technology, but I don't get Twitter. WTF is the point? I've been trying really hard: getting the app on my phone, connecting with my friends who already have it, I even try to tweet every once in a while. While we're on it, can the word "tweet" be any gayer? Yes it could: if it was being fucked by the word fagalicious while salad tossing a fairy.
Everyone is talking about Twitter. Politicians are twittering, celebrities are twittering, respectable media outlets are twittering... My local news station has a twitter. Why the fuck do they need to Twitter? And everyone's talking about "Who's tweeting what?" or "Did you know they were tweeting during..." Why do I care? It's 140 characters! Not 140 words, 140 characters!

I check my twitter almost as much as my Facebook. Which is a lot. That's sad, but at least I know what I'm doing with my Facebook. I don't do anything interesting, so what do I tweet about? Should I be tweeting about having nothing to tweet about?

Apparently no one does anything of interest. How do I know? Because they tweet about nothing. No insight. Nothing cool or interesting. At least I'm nice enough to spare my friends the agony of refreshing their page just to find out that I'm doing nothing with my life. People tweet about sitting around and wishing they had a life. How original! Why don't you go out and fucking make a friend that you can talk to other than online? It's called human interaction.

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a product of the media and popularity among my peers. I play with my iPhone, I go on Facebook 100 times a day, and yes, while I don't get it, I have a Twitter. And it's another form of technological crack that I have to keep using because people tell me to. Oh Peer Pressure!

So I will continue to act like grandpa until I finally get what the big deal is. And the worst part? I know I'm going to tweet about this blog as soon as I'm done.

That being said, I'm NRCallie on Twitter. Be my friend. Maybe you'll help me understand the damn thing.




Cheddar Bay Biscuits!

I love Red Lobster! Ok that was a lie. I like Red Lobster a lot. I absolutely love seafood though. And nothing makes eating out better than a side of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. I fucking love those damn biscuits!

I'm addicted. I say that about a lot of things, but I really think I should go see Dr. Drew over this. I once yelled at my mom for days because she had only brought me two fucking biscuits home with her. I will sit down in the restaurant and eat nothing but those damn biscuits and then just take my food home to eat tomorrow... with like 8 biscuits in the bag.

I just had takeout from Red Lobster two days ago and I stole my mom's portion of biscuits for myself. But I was generous though; I let her have one. Don't want to be a jerk or anything.

I even looked up how to make them. It's a complicated process that yields light, buttery, cheddary goodness that melts in your mouth. Ohhh yeah... I would fuck that shit out of those biscuits given the opportunity. Like, for real for real!

If you don't go to Red Lobster for the biscuits, you haven't lived. And if you don't like them, then you hate everything that is good about food. More biscuits for me bitches!

My name is Nick and I have a problem. No! Fuck that! Those biscuits are fucking delicious!



- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends Get Bad Weaves



I'm really sick of this shit. Everyday I see these crazy ass individuals who just know in their own little twisted minds that they look good. This epidemic of bad weaves are hitting the streets at a rapid rate and are at an all time high. I can't take this anymore and we have to take a stand on the issue. It's really not that hard to find a proper stylist or walk by a damn mirror. Every time  I see one of these horrible disasters my heart is overwhelmed with disgust. 
A law should be passed to scalp every well minded individual walking around with tracks showing, helmet weaves, gelled down hair, or the one that drives me crazy is non matching hair color. If your hair color is black and you have the urge to buy a blond weave do us a favor and color the front of your hair or just don't do the shit in a color that does not match. Why in the hell would you want to walk around with your head looking like a pack of skittles? Please for all of mankind do your hair properly people or your going to get slapped up, cause this is not okay. SBP signing the fuck out bitches. Contact a stylist right now if this offends you!

The best food for Recession


So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this recession. In the true nature of Slapping Bitches Production, there are quite a few number of bitches I would like to slap for this whole economic crisis. Including both democrats and republicans for being dumbasses (but republicans more.)

But two people I don't want to slap are Ben and Jerry.

Probably the best fucking thing to enjoy during a recession is ice cream. I mean, fuck, can you think of any other food that will make you happier? Times are tough, and I need something to enjoy in life.

I don't even care about the fat in it either. It's a recession, I know that I won't be getting the best guys out there right now, so I can look fat and ugly for a while. When the economy bounces back I'll make sure to do my part and spend money at the gym. But for now my boyfriend's $7.78 goes to a one gallon bucket of cookies-n-cream semen of the gods.

By the way the answer was 1,750 quarts. That's how many quarts of ice cream were on Titanic's maiden voayge.
Rich-ass mother-fuckers knew how to drown.

CHEAPPOOOSSS!!!

I have a huge amount of disdain for cheap ass people. There should be a special line in stores for all the coupon believers. I think some people take coupon clipping to a whole new level, like it's their religion. Tonight I'm trying to buy a few things but this dumb ass lady in the line decides she wants to pull out a 2 inch size folder full of coupons. When your shopping is it that hard to take out the clippings as you pick up the things? But no!! Why not waste everyone's time and stand their arguing that your coupon is not expired or you have another one. I hate cheap ass people. If you can't afford it, don't buy the shit. Down the cheap bastards that have no life.  

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Lot's of Bitches to SSSSlapss!!

So yesterday March 20th I was in a car accident with a Ford Expedition. I was not driving, just a passenger. As we all know though the passenger always gets fucked up. So I want to slap the fuck out of Ford because the steering wheel locked up and we flipped. So long story short FUCK FORD. The next people I'm slapping is the ghetto ass hospital that I was taken to. So it was supposedly a trauma center. I was more traumatized by the damn hospital then my accident. So I'm laying on this dumb ass hard plastic board, taped down and uncomfortable as hell with a big ass ugly neck brace in the hall for 10 minutes. So I get a room and I'm laying there with my head and neck injury screaming for help and my dumb ass nurse is talking it up on the phone. So I had to unstrap myself and get my inhaler. So that damn nurse gets slapped 2 mother fucking times in her fat ass ugly face. So now that I cured myself the nurse comes in takes my pressure and checks my breathing and states the mother fucking obvious that I need to wash the glass out my hair. I get discharged no doctor or anything so Atlanta Medical is getting slapped the fuck up. To add insult to injury a cop comes to give my cousin a ticket for not staying in her lane as the truck flipped. Like wow you dumb ass bitch, why not give it to the car or Ford. Okay now that I'm done slapping bitches I would like to give a special hug to the doctor of the 2nd hospital I went to, that prescribed these beautiful, lovely, precious pain pills and muscle relaxation pills. Moral: Buckle up kids! SBP signing out.

Resident Evil 5: Racism and You!

So I'm not the biggest gamer. I have a system, but I don't play it much. When I do, I want an AMAZING FUCKING EXPERIENCE! So when I played (and beat) Resident Evil 5 in basically a day, I knew that I had been a part of an epic adventure. But the lingering feeling you get when you think about the game is like being an addict and you're tweaking in a sewer hoping to suck a dick for a crack rock. It's that fucking good!

It's the ultimate bitch slapping game. You run around with a friend, shooting bitches with some awesome guns, stomping on faces and beating the living shit out of them. If that's a typical vaca to Africa, sign me up! How many times do you get to Chuck Norris kick a bitch in the face then run up and slit their throats? I know a few bitches I'd like to do that to...
I guess it's important to address the controversy around whether it's a racist game or not, seeing as everyone is doing it (Peer Pressure!).  If you're the type of person who believes that it's racist, then  maybe you should look at yourself in the mirror and understand that you're a racist bastard muthafucker! The game takes place in Africa, who the fuck do you think I'd be shooting? White people? Shit... We kill white people all the time in games. Everyone has sand in their vaginas talking about this game. "Oh, you go to Africa and kill black people. How insensitive." Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!

I'm a black man and not once while playing the game did I feel I needed to bitch about killing black people. Zombies are zombies... I wanted to stay the fuck alive! Ok, I will admit, playing as a white guy who shoots some African villagers and basically loots their areas for gold in order to upgrade my weapons to better kill more black people is a little questionable. But that's what the game is all about. Resident Evil 4 did the same fucking thing in Spain. THE SAME FUCKING THING! And no one said shit about that. No one gave a fuck. We play games where we go to South America, Asia, and Europe and kill all their locals. Hell, America is a a huge target for killing bitches but we never say a damn thing. But the minute we go to Africa, we're quick to pull the racist card. 

If you're so sick in the head that all you can concentrate on is the color of the skin, then you have the problem. Go to therapy. Go give some reparations. In fact, go make a black friend. Play some games with them. I guarantee you they won't have any qualms about killing bitches in video games. Go kill some white people. That's safe, and definitely not racist. 

Did I mention that your partner throughout the ENTIRE game is black. Not just black, African. Yes, your partner is on a mission to save her homeland by stopping the people who caused this.  If that means she has to kill a whole bunch of infected people who are trying to kill her and just happen to be African, so be it. Also, there are not only black people in the game. I've killed a whole bunch of whiteys and there are so many guys who look like Saddam Hussein. Who doesn't like fucking up Saddam? If you say "I don't", then you're also un-American. Get ready to be put on the "Do Not Fly" list.
You see that bitch right there (look up). He's about to fuck up my world and rip my face off. If you say you're just going to walk away and not blow his brains out, then you deserve to fucking die. Go kill yourself.

Did I mention that it's a kickass game?


Thursday, March 19, 2009

LAST FOUR DAYS!

Okay, it's time I shared something that is part of daily life here in Florida. There's a chain of appliance stores called Appliance Direct, and I was actually in one today. They pride themselves in having discount prices on appliances because they either sell them without the hassle of a salesman, or they're scratch and dented, but brand new with warranty. If you are from around here, you've probably figure out who I'm talking about.

They have many commercials on TV and on the radio. Especially the fucking radio. I can't listen to live 105.1 anymore because they are sucking the dick of Appliance Direct. A few weeks back around the last days of February I was outside doing some garden work with my boyfriend and one of our roommates. We took the radio outside and tuned in to listen to our favorite station. What did we here?

"Hello!" The words of Sam, the Asian who is wakkie-nu-nu for "apiances!" We heard him SIX TIMES. SIX FUCKING TIMES. Fuck appliances. I'm all for functionality of a kitchen in times of a recession, whatever the fuck that is, but no. This is enough. Fuck them all.

Not Sam, however. He's the fucking man. I'd suck his white porcelain lined washing machines for him. Man's got a fucking dick on him probably, for an Asian. It's the cunt (excuse me, get over it) of a wife of his. We don't know her name but my boyfriend calls her the pig lady.

For some reason I see her as the dumb bitch in Titanic whose grandmother is the old lady. She doesn't know shit, she just does what she is told. Same gets some handcuffs and a leash and tells his bitch to get customers. Bitch does what she is told, she can suck his dick tonight.

I have no respect for that annoying bitch. Am I sexist? Fuck no, I'm a faggot. Take a look at this video that I'm posting with this and you can get the idea how annoying this shit is. The mother-fucking truck in the video I saw today and I want to take a dump on it screaming
"I AM the man!"

Little Old Ladies and Drive-Bys at Publix

So I'm not quite sure what just happened. I don't think I did anything, but I think that's part of the problem...

So I'm at the checkout at the supermarket and I'm having a nice conversation with the little old lady at the register. When I'm about to leave, the other little old lady bagging my groceries decides she wants to turn my cart around. I'm thinking she's just helping me get behind it, but then I realize she's pushing it out for me. I'm trying to tell her I can take it, but she just smiles at me and continues to push in front of me.

Ok. So there really shouldn't be a problem with a bagger pushing someone's cart out of for them. They do it all the time. I'm 20 years old, standing at about 5'10 while this lady who looks like she can be my grandmother stands at a whopping 4 foot nothing. I should be able to take my own cart out seeing as I can probably lift three of her over my head. What happens next just felt fucking awkward.

We walk outside of Publix. It's more like I'm chasing after her, because she's moving like the wind and apparently knows how to find my car faster than I do. As I look around I realize, everyone and their mother is walking in and out of Publix. And they're all staring at us.

I was stuck in a slow motion movie moment. We were outside for at most two minutes, but it felt like an hour. I actually saw people pointing at us and talking among themselves. Cars slowed down as they drove by us, which were in desperate need for tinted windows, because I could see the disgust on their faces as clear as day. If I saw someone who looked like a NFL linebacker making some poor old lady push his cart and unpack his groceries, I'd talk shit too.

So I rushed to the trunk of my car and helped pack things in as quickly as I could. I needed to get the fuck out of there. We were finished and I was stuck in yet another awkward moment. I had never had someone push my cart out for me seeing as I'm fully capable to do it myself. Was I supposed to tip her? Fuck. Even if I was supposed to, she didn't give me the chance. She took the cart back as quickly as she had taken it out, smiling as she said goodbye.

I saw people shaking their heads at me. And to add insult to injury, not only did I take advantage of an old lady by being lazy as fuck and making her do manual labor, I didn't even give her anything for it. I was the biggest tool in the parking lot, and the look on everyone's faces let me know that.

Mother Fucker! I should have tipped her.

And people have let me know that tipping is strictly prohibited by Publix. Good to know but I don't give a fuck! That lady deserved a dollar.

Tall Bitches, the Hypocritical Blog

Fuck you if you say I'm hypocritical after writing this, but shit was annoying today.

I'm attempting to find someone to take over my lease at my old apartment. She's a wonderful place- loft style with 700 square feet, new appliances, and to top it off, an awesome spiral staircase.

Why would I move from a wonderful place like that to a small-ass bedroom in my boyfriends house? Because of dumb-ass bitches in New York creating this recession thing. Fuck me if I fully understood what the recession means, but all I care is it's a bitch, and the movie I was supposed to work on has been pushed back again and again. The $700 apartment can't get paid for so easily anymore...

So I've been posting ads on craigslist so that people can see my apartment, get excited, and give me money. But so so far everyone who responds to my ad are retarded. Yes, retarded. A Brazilian model who doesn't speak shit, a bitch who moved here from New York City to work as a cook at Dennys and a tall-ass black man.

I won't say names, but the cook who moved here for her "career" is a bitch. Fuck her in the balls. I'm trying to be nice, professional, and make her really want the apartment, and the day she is supposed to come and look at it she cancels. What the fuck. I already drove the nine miles (a lot during a fucking recession) and waited for her for two hours. But oh no. Oh hell no. That's not the worse part.

BITCH WON'T CALL ME BACK OR RESPOND TO MY EMAILS.

Okay, there's a good example to all this. Mother-fuckers in Titanic's wireless room are Jack Phillips and Harold Bride. These mother-fuckers are the computer geeks of their time, sending and receiving messages across the Atlantic. Now, imagine I am the liner Californian, and I just stopped because my small-ass piece of shit ship is surrounded by ice. Being the nice gent I am, Ciril Evans, I send a polite message to my bros over on Titanic about the danger of ice.

And what do I get back? "Shut up! Shut up! I'm working!"

MOTHER-FUCKER STAND BACK! No way! I'm warning your ass about the ice and you tell me to shut up?! Up yours, dick. It makes me not give a rat's ass, turn off my wireless and go to bed and let 1,496 bitches freeze to death later. Nearer My God to Thee, mother-fucker.

Point is the Californian was blamed for not having it's wireless on when being so close to Titanic that she could have saved everyone. That's me. I'm gonna be blamed for not being able to pay my rent because I can't find anyone because of dumb-ass short order cook at Dennys. Fuck Dennys, long live IHOP.


Time for the tall-ass mother-fucker black man. Bitch sends me lots of emails saying he's excited about the place, wants to check it out, etc. He's late too, in coming to look at the apartment. But when I see him I realize something.

BITCH IS TALLER THAN ME.

I'm 6'2"....he's 6'5" and as he said, "sometimes 6'6." He can hardly fit in my apartment. I just think he could have told me he was a fucking giant first before wasting my time to realize he can't walk up my stairs without ducking. Kinda important. I feel like I had sex with someone who had AIDS, and he didn't tell me until after he was inside me. What the hell.

I guess my blog is all about being polite. Be a polite bitch and respond to my emails and phone calls. Be a polite bitch and tell me what you expect in an apartment first, before wasting our time. Be a polite bitch and tell the Californian thanks for the ice warning.

I'm going back to my mac and cheese now bitches.

BAD ASS KIDS

So I know I'm going to be a horrible mom. Today I saw a little girl smack her mouth on a banister and my heart felt a little more content. I think it actually grew like the Grinch, when his heart grew. I tried to disguise my smile, but I felt like the heavens were singing with pay back for all the parents of unruly kids. Little kids can be so damn annoying and after a few minutes the cuteness wears off, and your like damn is there a return label on this sucker somewhere. SBP signing off (smacking all the parents of crazy ass, sugar hyped up kids). 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Only Word to Describe it: INCREDIBAD


Every time I go in my car, I play at least one of these songs (if not the whole album). I like to blast it as loud as I can, hoping to offend grandparents and traumatize little children. Why aren't you listening to this?

Incredibad was released February 10, 2009 by the group The Lonely Island, which is composed of childhood friends Andy Samberg (of SNL fame),  Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone.  This album is hilarious. While it has such favorites as "Dick in a Box", "Jizz in My Pants", "Lazy Sunday", and "I'm on a Boat"; it also made me a believer with some of my personal favorites "Like a Boss", "Boombox", and "Dreamgirl." It's a star-studded event with guest stars like comedians Jack Black and Chris Parnell as well as artists like Norah Jones and E-40. Norah Jones and Jack Black on the same album? Yes please!

Want a to listen to something hilarious with a good beat? Don't Think, Just Get It. Oh, and shout-out to Chex Mix! 


Deep Down Inside You Wanted Me Dead

So I'm driving back to South Florida from Orlando and it's raining like crazy on I-95. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to die.

Then I get a text from a friend which states "Please tell me youre at least stuck in shittty weather and traffic." For a second, let's ignore the grammatical errors and analyze the situation:

This "friend" knows I'm driving back down today. Also this "friend" knows my car has NO A/C, which in Florida during a crazy rainstorm is a death wish.  I'm concentrating so hard on being able to see through the foggy windows, I'm not even focused on not hitting something. Which is a bad thing.

So the bitch sends me a text message... If you really think I'm caught in terrible weather with no A/C, do you really want me to respond to your text message? You REALLY want me to die. I love you too.

Once I get off the highway, I look back at the text and realize that she had HOPED that I was stuck in the shitty weather. You bitch! So I call her up and let her know that I want to slap her for wanting me dead. She realized everything and decided that was a big mistake and she meant to put a "NOT" in the text. Then we laugh it off...

But I'm not an idiot. I see you bitch. I certainly won't be letting my guard down when I'm around you. Oh, and we're probably going to hang out tomorrow. 

Matt Says Hello

Hello there friends! This is Matt, saying a bit about myself so you can all get to know me better and what I complain about. Nick wrote a wonderful introduction for me, but I just wanted to share a few more of my obsessions. quirks, and annoying habits.

Let's start off by talking about the elephant in the room- Titanic. Yes, I should have went to Titanic school, or at least should have founded a Titanic school. Since the young age of 7 that sunken ship has been my live. So get ready for me to use examples of modern day annoyances and how I'm annoyed people let the sinking happen. Fuck icebergs.

I'm also rather passive-aggressive. Now, that isn't my best quality but who the fuck cares. That's how I am and how I handle situations with the people I know. Rather than deal with not being hungry I'd prefer to make an epic production where I complain about my stomach hurting and an empty wallet and how someone isn't paying me any attention. On that note I was in theater in high school and some of college. Whatever. You'll notice that I will eventually complain about myself, so don't think I just a nasty person to everybody....I'm a nasty person to myself too.

People are annoying. Yes, so are you (and I.)

My home state is Massachusetts which I believe is the most liberal state in the union, so you probably can assume what my views are on a lot of things, also being gay. However I'll do my best to present both sides of anything political, religious or controversial when I complain about them. Trust me. Do it, you won't.

Humor isn't really what I'm all about, but every once in a while I have pretty big moments where I am funny, causing the people around me to laugh for a few minutes. I take pride in those moments, so I am looking forward to accidental having a few in the blog.

Back when Myspace was all the rage (OK, like, two years ago, before I deleted it) I was known for my blogs. They included fun music lyrics that related to the subject, and quotes from some of my friends because it was Myspace and to get views on your profile you either had to make your friends happy or put up shirtless pics. Well, it was easier to type a few words than to go to the gym, so to answer my narcissistic side I blogged.

Speaking of narcissistic, I'm gay and whoever I want I usually get.

Now that's the note I want to end this on! Stay tuned for my first real blog about black guys who are 6'5" tall and can't fit on spiral stairs. Won't wanna miss that shit, now would you?

Welcome to the SBP Handbook!

Here at Slapping Bitches Productions (Yes, we really are Slapping Bitches Productions), we want to change the world.  But since we're in a Recession, we settled for a blog.

This blog is basically a handbook to life according to SBP. Since I keep throwing the name around, I should explain who we are. My Name is Nick, and along with my two best friends Ayesha and Matt, would like to help you gain the strength to slap that bitch we all know and most times hate... life.

We are all film school graduates who probably should have done something else with our lives. Ayesha is the most fashionable person ever, I'm a writer and Matt... well he loves the Titanic. See! We should have gone to Fashion/Writing/Titanic School instead. 

We're very diverse so we'll write about everything. When I say everything, chances are I mean EVERYTHING! (Matt LOVES the Titanic) Everything from reality television to that annoying bitch that we all have to deal with because he's best friend's with one of your friends so you have to be polite (I fucking hate that guy! Let's kill him).

Music, Movies, Television, Video Games, Books, Fashion, and Gadgets will all be the norm but expect random musings about all the crazy, annoying B.S. that happens in life. That's always fun. It will all be here at some point, so you're bound to find something just for you (Did I mention that Titanic shit will be on this? Fucking Matt). Oh, and I love cursing...

I should warn you, we hate ugly things. Ugly clothes, ugly people, ugly babies... we hate them all. So I guarantee you that there will be special posts about just that. And of course, as you can tell by the name, we will be slapping bitches over here. So if you don't enjoy other people bitching about stuff that you're too scared and repressed to bitch about, then you should get off the Internet. That's all it really is. Go outside; enjoy the sunshine and global warming. But if you LOVE people bitching about any and everything, then welcome home!