Adventures with White People: Part Deux (Duh)!

I should have learned my lesson. I already did my good deed for the century by hanging out with Navaar and company that one brain numbing excuse for a night of fun. I paid my debt to society, lost a couple of brain cells and my faith in humanity. So why would I possibly go back over there? Was it because Emily was having the time of her life overseas and I needed a buddy? Was I so bored that I really chose to risk the last few IQ points I had desperately saved from my last encounter? Or did I want to just laugh at some stupid people?

I really can’t say. Friendships make you do funny things… like trip and fall into an experience I never thought I’d have.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I really love Navaar and Max. That being said, my friends are idiots. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, please see the first post of Adventures with White People.

Navaar invited me to hang out with him and Max at his house. Both his father and brother were gone for the night so the house was all to ourselves. OH JOY! I sat on the couch and watch Max and Navaar take turns sucking at Metal Gear Solid 3 for about an hour before the night really picked up. As Navaar ran upstairs to get his computer, I was faced with a very awkward issue.

My last encounter with the boys introduced me to the wonderful Rory. And while I could see he was just a useless, self-centered juicehead, I found out that I wasn’t the only one not charmed by him. Apparently Max wasn’t TEAM RORY either, but not for the reason I thought. Max had an issue with the way Rory and Navaar talked to each other. They took the bromance idea to a new level. And while Rory and Navaar confessed their undying love for each other while punching each other in the arm yet longingly looking into each other’s eyes, Max sat in the corner trying to not think about his best friend balls deep in Rory. Or vice versa. Rory seems like he’d be a bitchy little bottom…

While I was excited about having someone on my side, I feared that Max didn’t know that I too secretly wished to be balls deep in Rory. Not in a gay way. Though I am gay and that’s the point of it all. I would just like to put the bitch in his place. Awkward Moment.

All night I debated whether or not to do something with the awkward tension in the air. Max had been my friend for years. Did he really believe I would just jump his bones? Didn’t he know I was into Rory?!?! After sitting in silence for awhile, I finally asked him if he knew I was gay. And just like that, things were fine. Of course he knew I was gay! He’s totally fine with it. He just didn’t like the fact that the last time we hung out Navaar and Rory were playing out the beginning scene of every gay porno ever! Totally understandable.

So what does this have to do with my crazy night? Nothing really. Just wanted to avoid explaining what happened next:

It was interesting that the last time we got together, neither one of them could even approach a woman. Yet Navaar was descending the stairs, with computer in hand and the best idea ever: Let’s find a prostitute on Craigslist for him and Max to double team. He was nice enough to offer finding a man for myself, but I knew that there was a special guy waiting for me across the country. That and I'm too damn sexy to have to pay for some adult fun.

What I thought was a joke became going to the ATM for money, discussing how they were going to trick her into a two for one deal and calling the hoe over. That’s not an insult. It’s her career.

Thirty minutes later, I watched as a nickel was actually let into the house (She was definitely not a dime. Discounted price people!). Of course she didn’t fall for their scheme to get to Eiffel Tower her, and because we feared the wrath of her pimp and he put in ten more dollars than Max, it was Navaar was the lucky trick of the night. It’s really weird to sit downstairs as your friend bangs a hooker in his bedroom. What’s worse is when the bathroom downstairs is occupied, and you have to go to the bathroom next to the sexy time room while you try and take a deuce, forced to listen to the soundtrack of their “lovemaking.”

After the standard amount of time (Good Job Navaar!), she left, I went home and the three of us never spoke of it again….

Oh! And if you plan on having sex with a hooker while your friends are in the house, close the fucking door please! It was so unfortunate that I had to see that and then judge.

Official Rating: Ehhhh…


And yes. The sex was more awkward than that!

Adventures with White People!

White People...

I know them. I love them. I date one. And one night, I got a first hand look at all their crazy.

A while back, I hung out with my old friend and neighbor Navaar. He invited me over for a barbeque one night and while I was not enthused about the idea of hanging out with him and his mystery friends, but I had to. I am black... Who the fuck am I to turn down free food?

I went over to his place to find out that he was having people over without his father's knowledge while he was supposed to be watching his 10 year old little brother. In fact, his father had no idea he was having a barbeque and using his extremely expensive grill to do so. So as I watched as his little brother play unsupervised with the bonfire that was feet away from setting the house ablaze, I should have looked at the red flags popping up and walked home... but I wanted my free food damn it!

Hours later, we're sitting on the back porch as the upstanding and not at all terrible excuse for a human being, Rory teaches Navaar's little brother how to play poker. I would be fine with this except for the fact the the 30 year old was actively trying to cheat this kid out of his birthday money.

I learned lot from my Rory encounter. Not only was he Navaar's trainer, he also turned out to be a total douchebag. I got to hear all about his life and how he loves his girlfriend and hates his wife. Yes, this awesome guy gets to have two lucky ladies! He gets pleasure out of telling his wife that he's cheating and openly reminds her how he doesn't give two shits about her. I watched as he texted his girlfriend he loved her and picked up his phone to scream at his wife that he wants her dead. But it's ok though; he only married his wife because he wanted to use her for her money and sex until he got back on his feet... Wait... WHAT?

After all this, you would think I would just finish my juicy steak and go home right? No. Because I'm a stupid bitch! *Flips scarf over shoulder*

A half an hour later, I'm in the car with Navaar and our friend Max driving to Hooters because the boys wanted to get a close up look at the things they're not allowed to touch. Seeing as I don't spend much time at the classy establishment, I had no idea that they closed before 11:30 so driving around the parking lot at midnight was really fun for me. As they decided to go to the Hard Rock because now they had a gay friend to help them get with women, I learned something that I never thought to ask before I got into the car...

(Ask ANY question about the car)

It wasn't Navaar's car. Ok... it's Rory's car that he lent him. That's cool. There was no reason to worry, right? When the car has no insurance, expired tags and is a couple of miles from completely falling a part, you realize this is around the time that you should reflect on the mistakes that took you to jail. Oh! And Navaar didn't have a license. Time to figure out who is going to help me post bail.

The night went on for one more embarrassing hour of getting no play at the Hard Rock and ended with us going to our respective homes without even talking to someone of the opposite sex. You would think that after all that, I would conclude my study, record my results and never talk to those idiots again...

Unfortunately, these guys are my friends and thusly, have helped spawn a sequel.

COMING SOON...

ADVENTURES WITH WHITE PEOPLE: PART DEUX (DUH)!

I'm fucking crazy so that's why I haven't been blogging and I know it's not an excuse but I thought I should share and now I'm just typing to see how

...long I can make my title.

Damn that was a lot. Well, at least it's not as long as this post is going to be.

So I've been crazy busy... and busy being crazy. People have been yelling at me because I haven't been posting anything and I keep saying I would do it. Doing it another day becomes another week, then another month and now look! It's halfway through 2010 and I've only done 3 posts. Aint that some shit!

I want to say I've been slacking because I've been busy at work... and getting an internship... and quitting said internship... and getting ready for the biggest move of my life...

But that's some bullshit. So let me level with you:

One thing that's been freeing about blogging is it's ability to let me express myself with no restraints. I just talk about my life; what happens, what I like, mostly what I hate, but nothing is off limits. Until a year ago...

I've been shying away from details of my personal life and as the past year has gone by, it's been consuming more and more of my thoughts and actions. And if I'm not talking about it, what the fuck am I supposed to talk about? I really didn't want to bring up what's been going on for many reasons. I'm a private person and any intimate details about my life or emotions I keep to myself. And what's been going on has been so special and fulfilling that I wanted to protect it. I've never had someone so amazing come in and turn my life upside down. I've grown so much as a person this past year and I know it's all because I'm finally opening up and taking a chance on love. (Trust me, I know you want to barf. I'm not used to talking/feeling/acting this way so every time I say anything cute or romantic, I cringe and wish to punch a puppy).

That being said, I should at least share with you some things I've been going through so I can finally get it out of my system and write some fun shit. Oh! And because I'm way too private, I'm going to be very vague about some stuff to protect the people involved and blah blah blah.

Disclaimer: if you're the kind of person who hates when people use "they and them" instead of "him and her," stop reading now. You're just going to have explosive diarrhea of the brain from all the atrocious pronoun usage I might end up using.

Oh and no more of this love dovey talk...

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK THIS SHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck am I doing?!?!??!?!?

I need a roadmap through relationships. I've been dealing with this "we're sorta kinda in a relationship" thing for almost a year now, and I have no idea what I'm doing! Not a clue. They say that every relationship is unique and there's no right or wrong way to do it, but I definitely think I'm doing it wrong.

I suck. It's just that simple. I don't call them. I don't text them. I suck.

And it's not because I don't want to. All I want to do is talk to them. I've decided it's because I'm fucking crazy. I over think everything and I'm way too courteous. I'm courteous to a fault actually. I don't call them because I'm always afraid they're doing something, so I don't want to interrupt their life. So I don't call. And when I do call... ok I don't want to get into that. It's a whole bunch of psyching myself up and hoping they don't pick up because I'm so nervous I'm on the verge of throwing up. Does it even seem like we've been talking for a year now?

Oh! Did I mention this is a long distance thing? Yeah, that's a HUGE factor.

And I don't know why I'm driving myself crazy over this. When we talk, it's wonderful. Just hearing their voice for a minute makes everything that's been going wrong with my life go away. And when we're together, it's just so easy. I don't have to be anyone other than myself, and there's no "let's go crazy with cute adorable love shit" like some people we both know and want to punch in the face (Love you guys!). We're just, I don't know, together. It's perfect.

I know what my problem is: I'm a control freak. I think it's killing me that I've finally come across a situation I can't control. I just need to accept that. It's just really hard. And this whole "gray area" in our relationship coupled with the distance, multiplied by my all consuming imagination makes me just a little bit off my rocker. And unfortunately, the ones close to me have had to deal with all my crazy mindfucking I've been doing to myself. If I keep this up, I'm pretty sure they're gonna take me out back like Old Yeller.

In less than a month, I'll be moving to the same town that they're in. I've never been so excited in my life. But with that excitement comes the equal amount of concern I have for the future of our relationship. I've also found myself in a weird best friends and roommates dating each other situation, which I've never liked. There are way too many movies/sitcoms over the years that have been based on how bad this situation can become. I just feel like we're all just way in too deep in each other's shit, so if things go south... let's not even think like that.

It actually felt really good to write all that out. Maybe I can finally get back to all 30 of my projects that I've yet to write because I've been driving myself crazy over all this.

I have a terrible feeling that one day they're going to read this and finally realize how truly insane I am. That might be a problem. Too bad I know I'm going to post it anyway.

Fuck...