Thursday, April 30, 2009

Matt's Worst Nightmare

I lost all access to my technology for 2 hours. Two of the most excruciating hours of my life. No Facebook, no computer, no tweeting (I can't believe I just wrote that) and the worst.... no iPhone.

Matt would have died. All he cares about is his iPhone. He almost died when he went without it for a few hours back when we were at school. In fact, the only reason I'm writing this is because he thought it was an important enough event that I needed a post about it. He called it the apocalypse. It's that serious to him...

I did have Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, so that makes up for it... no it doesn't. It was still terrible.

The weird thing is that my Internet was fine. I tried it out on my PS3. But for some reason everything else was haywire. I really think someone is trying to kill me. First destroy my bodily health and now my mental health (it really did drive me crazy).

Conspiracy I tell you!

He Touched Me in My Special Place

I went on yet another adventure to the post office today. As I stood in the long ass line, a little boy stood next to me. As the line moved, I realized the kid was mimicking me. Everything I did, he did. It was cute at first, then quickly became annoying.

Every time the line moved, I realized the kid was getting closer and closer to me. I soon found the little pest to be practically on top of me. I would have said something but I was currently in a state of shock: Did he just cop a feel?

I'm pretty sure he just grabbed my ass. He didn't brush it; This was full on grab ass! I know what grab ass feels like: my ass has always been a target among my straight friends. This kid was grabbing with a purpose. What was I supposed to do? His parents weren't around and if I made a scene, chances are I'd be the one getting in trouble for being engaged in a compromising situation with a minor.

So I just slid over again and pretended it didn't happen. Maybe it really was in my head. I had to be blowing this out of proportion. But then as I was leaving the line, the kid brushed his hand on my package... and not the one I was mailing.

In some sick way I think I had that coming. I said I wanted guys to start hitting on me more and I guess they have... this one just happened to be 12.

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bitch Slap the Piggies


Okay, my vacation is officially over, and now I come back to Florida to worry about this pig shit. I don't understand how the fuck we can go from birds getting us sick, to pigs getting us sick, to some kind of number N1H1 fuck getting us sick, but we gotta fucking stop this shit. Stop using that antibacterial hand soap bitches, you know it's making germs harder to kill. Deal with your little cold or committing a faux pas.

And those masks that all the Mexicans and Chinese are wearing now? What the fuck is that gonna do? You know you're going to go home on the train and touch some bitch's snot on a handrail and get the fucking illness when you take your ugly-ass mask off and pick your nose in the "safety" of your home while no one's watching.

Anyways, if we all start acting smart for once and not like a bunch of collective dumbasses we won't face a massive pandemic.

I'm going to eat some sausage now.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Final Fantasy XIII is going to be EPIC... Brah!

So I love Final Fantasy and the recent previews and reviews of the demo are awesome. IGN did their own English dub of a scene from the demo and I find it quite fitting.  While I know the game won't be like this, a very small part of me wishes it would be. SO FUNNY! I'm getting a nerd boner just thinking about it.

Getting that Winn Dixie Poonani

So I will never go to Winn Dixie to return anything ever again!

I went to the customer service desk and a really pretty girl walked behind the counter to help me. As she started processing things, we made small talk. Then we had to wait for her manager to come and finish the transaction. That was the LONGEST 15 minutes of my life.

Next time I won't say a damn thing. I realized that my "small talk" had been on the fast track to "dinner and a movie."  She started laughing at everything I said, which is normal because everyone laughs at me, but then I saw her playing with her hair flirtatiously. I knew I was in trouble. I kept looking for the fucking manager, but no one was in sight. 

She started to sing whatever Natasha Bedingfield song that was playing throughout the store as I awkwardly nodded my head to the beat and searched for the manager. After the song, she proclaimed that we just had a cute little duet. Bitch, if it was a duet I would have been singing too, not trying to pretend you weren't there!

This girl was bold. Bolder than I could ever hope to be. She let me know that she was going to be off of work in 40 minutes. That's nice. Like I care? Let me get my money back so that I can fucking leave. But no, she had to say it: "Are you hungry? Wanna go grab something after I get off?" 

HELL NO I'M NOT HUNGRY! WHERE MY MONEY AT BITCH?

I proceeded to let her know that I had just ate. I then witnessed the excitement wash away on her face. While I'm flattered by her asking me out, I'm just not that into her. Well, I'm just not that into vagina to be exact. 

Why is it that girls constantly throw themselves at me but I can't get any play with guys? Any guys at all! I'm not fucking picky. You point out a guy and 9 times out of 10 I'd hit that. I might not tell people about it, but I'd hit that nonetheless. Just my luck, it's only girls who want to get into my pants. I'm so sick of chicks hitting on me. Am I giving off some type of "I like to Fuck Vagina" pheromone or something? I need to give off "Nick Likes Mangina" from now on. Maybe I should just be blatantly obvious: write "Nick for Dicks" on my forehead. Ugh!

And I should explain my state of dress... I had just come back from the gym, I took a quick shower, put on my raggedy bum clothes and went to the store. I was NOT looking cute. Yet somehow I was a chick magnet.

So finally the manager came and processed the return. I watched as the girl tried to secretly talk about me to the manager who also happened to be female. Too bad they were right in front of me and not the least bit discreet. The girl reached for the pen on the counter but touched my hand "by mistake." The pen was WAY on the other side of the counter. She just wanted to hold my hand, which would have been cute to me if she was blessed with a penis. I wrote down my information, took my receipt and said goodbye, to which she giggled and said "You made my day! I'll see you around." Yeah... no, I'm going to Publix from now on.

Then  it remembered when I got to my car... I had to write down my phone number on the store receipt. Now this girl has my phone number. I give up! Time to go to the dark side... The Poonani side.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Love Story in the Walgreens Parking Lot

This old lady was fucking me with her eyes as I was getting in my car to leave. She was on her break, smoking a cigarette and looked like she's been around the block a few times. I'm pretty sure she was imagining sucking me off as she went at the cigarette in her mouth.

Could it have been my cut off jean shorts? My cute ass Hurley shirt? Or the Nick and Norah soundtrack bangin from my '04 Jetta?

But nonetheless, we had a moment. And I broke her heart as I drove away.... grillin as I gave her my stank face.

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Deserve a Merit Badge in Creepiness

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I was on my way to my friend Vanessa's house for a fun evening together, when something strange happened. I looked over at the car next to me and I saw a very hot guy beside me. I saw in his back window a uniform hanging. So of course I got turned on. Who doesn't like a hot guy in uniform?

Then I realized what kind of uniform it was: Boy Scouts. Tell me why my initial reaction was to wonder if he's one of those leaders who loves the little boys? What's more disturbing is that my mind thought that if he was, then maybe I had a shot with him; because if he liked boys then he must obviously like men.

WTF is wrong with me. So apparently I want a pedo boy scout leader. Yeah, I have issues. Please slap me!

- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This is exactly how I feel...

This one's for Josh. I posted it on my Facebook, but I have to keep sharing it.


Keri Hilson: Finally Getting Her Due


NOW STOP! NOW LET ME SEE YA BOOTY DROP!

I absolutely love Keri Hilson's debut album "In a Perfect World." It's been the soundtrack to my life since it came out. I feel like I need to just make a segment called: "Nick's Favorite Things." But then Oprah would ass rape me with lawsuits, and who would dare intentionally bring about the wrath of God? Fuck that. This is "Nick's Objects that he Somewhat Cares About." Eat that God!

*shakes fist angrily then asks for forgiveness by placing hand on O Magazine*

Anyway, Keri Hilson... she's been writing songs as part of the collective known as The Clutch, writing songs for artists such as Britney Spears, Ciara and Ludacris as well as  being featured on multiple songs from artists like Timbaland, Diddy, Llyod Banks and Chris Brown (but he didn't beat her up).  She's also made cameos in videos such as Usher's "Love in the Club", Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent" and Nelly's "Party People."

So she's really been hitting the circuit hard, even before releases 4 videos before her debut album's release. It's obvious that she knows what she's doing: her album is BANANAS! (Please spell out Gwen Stefani style). 

Her singles have already been very great standouts: "Energy", "Return the Favor", "Turnin' Me On", and the crazy good "Knocks You Down." And the hits don't stop there. Some of my personal favorites, or what I somewhat care about (sorry O), are "Slow Dance", "Intuition", "How Does It Feel", and the club banger "Get Your Money Up." NOW STOP! NOW LET ME SEE YA BOOTY DROP! (I love that part). 

The album features Kanye West, Ne-Yo, Lil' Wayne, Keyshia Cole, Trina and Timbaland, but they never overpower her. They actually come off as special guests rather than heavy hitters to make the song good. She does that on her own.

So let me stop gushing over her. Go get this album. 'Nuff Said!



*I would have included Akon above but he sounds like a HOT MESS on "Change Me." If anything, you should check that just to hear how horrible he sounds.

WTF is Organized Living?

So bitches LOVE Clean House. And apparently the store Organized Living is featured on the show. I found that out the hard way...

"OMG! There's an Organized Living! AHHHHH! We have to go in there! AND everything is 50 to 70 percent off?!?!?! Hell yeah we're going in! AHHHHH!!!!"

This is the scene in the car as my friend Emily spots the store. She obviously let me know how "awesome" it was. I didn't sound excited. She even let me know we didn't have to go in at all. But the moment I said we can go: "AHHHH!!! I'm so excited!"

I was stuck on an adventure with my friend, who I now realized is a raging crack whore. And her crack is obviously Clean House, Niecy Nash and organization (which you would never get looking at her bedroom).

So we walk into the store and it is completely bare. I saw some hangers and some other random nick knacks, but it looked like someone robbed the place. We left with Emily's hope of having her own "Clean House" experience crushed. So ORGANIZED LIVING FAIL!

But there is a bright side: Emily made an ass of herself in the bathroom with her loud obnoxious laugh after I stepped in to mess with her. Apparently there was someone else in there...

Oh! And we went into Golf Galaxy where a worker pondered the philosophical meaning behind my "My Peace is Growing" T-shirt. I didn't think it was appropriate to tell him that it's really talking about my "piece." 

Thursday, April 16, 2009

High and Mighty Blogger of God

It's a lot of work to continuously create new content and satisfy a fan base. So I have mad respect for all the authors of the digital era. But I'm not fond of cheaters; especially cheaters those who should know better. 

The other day I saw this little forum of bloggers all talking about their blogs and asking for support. But apparently it was a "No Heathens Allowed" zone as they were asking for support from other "Bloggers for Jesus."

I can understand seeking support from like-blogs, but it just felt like they were not trying to support each other. The tone and comments felt more like they were alienating other blogs and acting very "Holier than Thou." Isn't that against the whole Christianity handbook? 

What kind of things are you possibly talking about in your blog that we already didn't get? As far as I'm concerned there already was the ultimate blog about your religion. It's called the Bible.

Do you really think you can do the religion thing better than God? If so, prove it. Let me know what you can possibly be in your blog that I need to know that isn't already in Jesus' biographical manuscript? Exactly. Because apparently all you need to know is in that book. So unless you're copying the Bible word for word, your blog is irrelevant.

Go Fuck Yourself. Amen.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Unwanted Gym Penis Exposure

I've been going to the gym a lot lately, and I'm very unhappy about the constant penis sightings every time I go to the locker room. I'm just trying to go to the rest room and I'm constantly being bombarded with penises from all sides. You would think that this would be a good thing for me, right?

It's never like those wonderful gay locker room fantasies. Every once and a while you get that sexy ass bitch that gives you the motivation to work your ass off if only for a glimpse. What people don't tell you about the male gym experience is that to get to that random good/great sighting, you have to deal with 1000 sightings that make you want to rip your eyes out.  

Old men and vomit inducing excuses for men  walking around naked just hanging out like it's nothing. And I've had every scenario: nasty mothafuckas reaching/jumping to grab a towel, bodies that should be covered all the time bending over, old men standing around naked in groups talking about sports. And don't EVER try and tie your shoes! You'll have swinging pendulums trying to attack your face (and not in the good way). I swear someone intentionally tired to bitch slap me with his wang...

And the good sightings really don't end up going well either. What do you mean I'm not allowed to look at your sexy body? If you don't want me to stare, then keep it to yourself you tease! Don't talk to me when I'm taking a piss! I don't want to have a conversation when I'm holding myself unless it ends with it in your mouth!

I just don't want to deal with all that. People are either trying to tempt me or make me throw up on them. I'm not interested in your package unless it's being delivered to my fun zone! If you keep playing games, I'm going to make sure I cum out the winner!

Worst (or Best?) Bitch Slapping Song Ever

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous "serious" song I've ever heard. I'm all about slapping a bitches/hoes/haters but I think this takes things a bit too far. The title says it all. Fast forward past the stupid crap in the beginning (no pun intended). All that matters is the chorus and the dance that she does to go along with it. It's a great visual... 

Not for the weak of heart. If you don't like vulgar, course language then don't click play. Then again, if you don't like that then wtf are you doing at this site? 

Friday, April 10, 2009

Nick Hangs with Darth Vader in Emo Church

I'm a self described heathen. As you can tell from most of my posts, I'm going to hell. I've accepted that. Jesus and I have been locked into a love/hate roller coaster ride for most of my life that I have come to expect. At this point, I wouldn't have it any other way. But tonight I decided I would go to a Good Friday service. As someone who should spontaneously combust when just thinking about a church, I should know better. Why would I do this? I'm not even sure...

I was sure God was giving me a sign NOT to go, considering he threw every obstacle in my way. For some reason I chose to ignore it and go, even if I was going to be 15 minutes late. That's okay. I just missed the prayer, and who wants to be around for that boring mess? 

I've never been to an Episcopal church before. I'm not talking about the ones where they embrace my heathenhood and like to be different and unique. I'm talking about the high churchy ones. The ones that are so catholicy, you wonder why they left the Pope in the first place. Boy was I in for a treat!

I walked into a big beautiful cathedral. I couldn't have decorated it better myself. Ayesha could, but for me, it was perfect. There was low lighting and everyone was just sitting there seemingly depressed. I immediately felt that "I'm at a funeral" feeling. But looking back, we are talking about the funeral of Jesus. I should have been more respectful. How come no one told me that Good Friday for Episcopal church was all doom and gloom? 

I sat down in the back which I want to call the SHS (Standard Heathen Seating) section. I waited there awkwardly until something happened. Then God spoke to us.... and he sounded like Darth Vader.

I've never freaked out so much in my life. Where in the world was James Earl Jones? And why didn't anyone tell me he was the voice of God? I always thought that was Morgan Freeman's job. Well it turns out some guy was reading passages from the Bible that Jesus spoke. Even though I knew this, every time he spoke, I readied my light saber for battle.

Anyway, the service was SOOOO CREEPY! It was so dark and emo, I was surprised that ushers didn't hand out razor blades for us to cut ourselves for Jesus. The choir didn't help the situation. Don't get me wrong; they sounded beautiful. But they also sounded like creepy monks, and with emo feeling in the air, all I wanted to do was write depressing poetry and paint my finger nails black. 

I wish my mind didn't wander. While the service was nice, it certainly didn't keep my attention. I kept thinking that the choir sounded like the Temple of the Fayths from Final Fantasy X. Oh! Or the menu screen from the Halo games. And then I kept thinking how awesome it would be to have an epic fight scene in that place. Like the one from Final Fantasy VII Advent Children. All I wanted to be was Tifa Lockhart up in there. Yeah, my geek flag is showing, Waddaya Wanna Do About It!?!?!?

And then came the end prayer and I.......... Sorry, I fell asleep there. No. I wish I fell asleep there. I was kneeling, leaning on the pew in front of me and I kept feeling myself slip away. I was so comfy, I could have just passed out right there. The last thing I needed to do was start snoring while everyone was celebrating the death of Jesus. 

So I went to church and survived. I deserve a T-shirt. Someone make me the "I survived Emo Jesus Day and I didn't cut myself" shirt. And there should be a symbol of a cross and a razor blade, with tears. I'm so emo, my razor blade bleeds tears. It was a good experience though. If you want to live a little, try new things. Whatever you normally do, do the opposite. Heathens: go to church, have a chuckle. Christians: go to the strip club, wrap tracks in dollar bills and put it in the stripper's coin slot. Cuz that's what they really want.

Look, I did an entire post curse free! (I don't want to give God more of a reason to strike me down).

Gotta Slap My Damn Self


So.... This is the 2nd time Im writing this damn blog so Im a bit pissed. Im completely obsessed with this whole vagina tingling Twilight thing. I have not seen the movie but I am currently on the last chapter of the 3rd book Eclipse and so excited to start the last one. I know I'm going to have PTTS (post traumatic twilight syndrome) after Im done with this whole obsessed ordeal. I never thought I would be bitten by the twilight bug but I should have known better. So I need to be slapped back to reality.

Im also ready to give the author a slap, but I would spare her if she decides to write books for the rest of her life. Now all I need to know is why she would give girls such a hope and faith that men exist like that out there. Edward (my boo in fantasy land) is such a gentleman that only words could create. Like what kind of vampire would hold out of sexing up his human girlfriend, suck her for her precious blood and leave her for dead or at least bite her to keep her as a sex slave. I need to be slapped asap. 

Next and not least Im slapping Matthew Titanic loving ass Mother fucking DeWinkleer two times. I asked his ass to send me an email with some info and since I have still yet to hear a response from him I'm laying down 2 huge Titanic size glacier damaged slaps. Then I am slapping Mother Nature for fucking up and messing with the internet connection so I had to post this shit twice. Bye Bitches!! 

Kanye and the Gay Fish Scandal

I can't deny it; I love me some Kanye music. I really do. I have every album. But ask me if I actually bought any of them... I refuse to buy music from such a complete egotistical asshole. I REFUSE! His personality is just ugly to me. And no matter how disgustingly he acts out in public, we all still go out and get his album. I don't like to reward terrible behavior, so I don't.

After dealing with his BITCHASSNESS for such a long time, my dreams were finally answered when South Park decided to take that bitch down a notch. If you haven't seen the episode from two nights ago, GO WATCH IT NOW! Shit's hilarious! 

The story starts up with a very cute/funny joke about gay fish. What does gay fish have to do with Kanye West? Everything! The South Park crew weaves a great story around the absurdity that is Kanye West and how exactly the drama queen acts. It was perfect from beginning to end. 

But if showing Kanye how big of an ass he is wasn't great enough, there was an entire subplot that leads to Carlos Mencia getting his ass beat! And I REALLY hate Carlos Mencia! Get out of my head Matt and Trey!

Kanye apparently took the whole episode in stride and might actually be turning over a new leaf. It remains to be seen if Kanye will really change or if he's still going to be the big ol' douche that we've all grown to known and put up with.

Twitter: Micro Blog of Dreams


So I haven't been a big fan of Twitter, but lately I've been getting into it. Yes, it's very sad. I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't get the point. But I'm compelled to do it, and it really isn't that bad.

I will say that there are nice little gems to be found in the Twitter craze.  I follow many a celebrity, but I found through the wonders of micro blogging, that even celebrities, who seemingly have it all, have dreams too. This leads to John Mayer. In fact, all roads on Twitter lead to the always chatty, but most times fun singer. 

He recently tweeted "It would be fun, just once, to catch the cover of a weekly tabloid and see the headline 'John Mayer Nails Solo to 'Wheel!'" Well it looks like his fairy godmother was listening as OK Magazine decided to grant his wish and digitally create a cover just for him. 

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Food Just Got Sexier

It's Official: food now wants to have sex with us. I'm not sure if I really oppose the idea right now. It would make quite the delicious one night stand. You can't tell me that a cannoli isn't asking for you to just stick it in? And I see how some of you guys look at those tacos...

Ok, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I point this out is because every time I watch a food commercial lately, it leaves me wanting... but I'm certainly not hungry if you get what I'm saying. Two such commercials are the new Milky Way and Quiznos commercials.

I have to say, the Milky Way one doesn't really do it for me. Yeah, the Milky Way is talking very sensual and trying to be very discrete, but I want a candy bar that's forceful. It has to let me know what it wants me to do with it. I'm not trying to have an affair with a Whatchamacallit here! I don't want more caramel in every bite! I want you to give me the Milky Way all over my face bitch! (That was for Matt)

Now the Quiznos commercial for their new Torpedo; now that's a sandwich I can hang with. That toaster... yeah, he's a G. From the get go, no playing around. He gets right up in there and let's that guy know what he wants him to do to him. And he makes that sandwich maker his bitch! And once you hear the babymaking music start up, you know it's over. And did you see how they slide that sandwich into the wrapper? The Torpedo wants to do you.

And for a while, all I wanted was a torpedo in my mouth. Yeah, I said it. TORPEDO IN MY MOUTH! And I wasn't the only one thinking it! My friend Emily and I would often comment about how good those torpedoes looked. Eventually, we were craving them every night!

Today I treated Emily on her lunch break to a torpedo. We both took part in the torpedo experience. She had a torpedo, I had a torpedo... this is starting to sound like a really dirty film.
And I gotta tell you, I loved having over a foot long of torpedo in my mouth. I'm a dirty boy.

OK, so the winner is definitely Quiznos torpedo. I mean, once I'm done with the 3-4 inches of Milky Way, I'd be a little disappointed. Maybe even laugh about it with some of my friends. But the torpedo... yeah, that thing can deliver for a LOOOONNNG time.

Here are the commercials, you be the judge.





Jesus and Ice Cream

Sometimes I choose to be nice to Matt. So this one is for him.

Over at SBP, we love ice cream. We'll fuck you up if you mess with our sweet, delicious icy treat. So when I was talking to Matt the other day, while Titanic references did not make an appearance, ice cream became a welcome topic of conversation. I said something that I wanted to share with you and I'm sure you'd agree: 

"It's the creamy frozen treat we suck from God's teet." 

Matt found much pleasure in that statement, and I really feel as if that should be the new official tagline for ice cream. 
And look at that! Even Jesus loves ice cream MUTHAFUCKA! Wait. If Jesus likes ice cream, then it's pretty disgusting that he's sucking from his own father's teet right? Very incestuous relationship right there. I think I can fix this: Jesus is God so it's not incest right? But then again, if they are both one and the same, then Jesus is just sucking on his own teet right? That's some real stuff to ponder...

Oh and if you're keeping up, I really did just write a post that covered ice cream, teet sucking, God, Jesus and incest.  And "teet" count is now at 5. Go me!

Seeing Sounds... It Bitch Slaps Shitty "Hot N Cold" Covers



So Matt recently posted something about the song "Hot N Cold" which is a song that I absolutely love. The cover on the other hand was a piece of shit that I wanted to smear all over his fucking face. That being said, it's time to bitch slap Matt's post with music that fucks up bitches. Yes, I am indeed calling out Matt's wack ass post in front of everyone! We're very mature over here at SBP...

So everyone needs to check out "Seeing Sounds" from the group N.E.R.D. I fucking love these guys! Be warned, they really aren't for everyone, as the album is a mix-match of different styles and influences. But I can let you know, if you're a lover of lots of different types of music, you'll find the album to be a welcome inclusion into your music library. If you're the type of person who only likes one type of music, there's bound to be a song just for you!

The album has songs that you've bound to hear somewhere: from clubs to commercials. The lead songs off the album include "Everyone Nose (All the Girls Standing in the Line for the Bathroom)", "Spaz", and "Sooner or Later." But it also has a lot of little gems such as "Kill Joy", "Love Bomb" and my personal favorite "Anti Matter."

As for "Anti Matter," we have fond memories over here at SBP. When at school, I would pick up Ayesha before class and we would often blast it in my car, getting hyped up to fuck up bitches in class. Ayesha and I are G's if you didn't know. Listening to the song just makes you want to throw up gang signs, act reckless and belligerent, and pray that some poor soul crosses you so that you can stomp the shit outta them. Sometimes we just want to crush people's sense of self worth and what's better than doing that? Doing it with an awesome soundtrack! Oh, it really is a piece of art...

It's the perfect song to drive slowly in front of an elementary school, blasting it and hoping to scar little children for life. Did you know I'm a great babysitter? 

So yeah... Seeing Sounds. It's music to fuck up bitches to. No questions. Just blast it and slap bitches (because that's really what life is all about right?)