Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Gay Apocalypse is upon Us!

Ok. So yesterday was the worst day ever to be a gay man.

The announcement of the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop 8 was met with both cheers and tears. All the same sex couples that got hitched before the passing of Prop 8 are relieved to hear that their marriages are indeed legal, but they still upheld Prop 8. Now that's some bullshit.

If things couldn't get any worse, they announced that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is finally going to become a movie. Sounds like a good thing right? WRONG! Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind the cult television show and critically acclaimed comic series has nothing to do with it. In fact, none of the original cast are even being considered for it. The bitches who made the original piece of shit movie are the ones with the rights. They plan on trying to reboot the franchise in Star Trek fashion. And they are not going off of the TV series (you know, the whole reason people liked Buffy in the first place!), which means that leaves no room for series favorites like Willow, Xander, Spike, Angel, Faith, Giles and Dawn. And what about Buffy herself? They say she might not even be in it! They might go with a new slayer and friends! WTF is that! They want to do a "darker, grittier Buffy reboot." Buffy doesn't need a fucking reboot! The show only ended a few years ago! Season 8 (the comic for those of you who don't have gay friends who go buy it on new comic day) is a HUGE success! Do yourself a favor, call up Whedon so he can just bring everyone back and do this shit right!

You know who I blame this on? Fucking Twilight! Yeah, you knew this was coming. Everyone's vampire crazy now, so why not bring back the biggest name in vampires since Dracula? Fucking Twilight! You're inadvertently raping everything the made growing up good for me! Don't take away my one sacred thing! This is taking a big shit all over Buffy. Just do a movie continuing the series! No one wants to see some stupid Buffy the Vampire movie without Whedon or the cast. Oops I'm sorry! Buffy might not even be in it! I should have said "____ the Vampire Slayer!" AHHHH GAY TANTRUM!

As me and Matt sharpen our stakes and prepare the Scoobies to fuck up some bitches,  I wanted to leave you with this awesome trailer for a documentary called "Outrage." Hey all you anti-gay marriage people! You should check those conservative Republicans that you follow so blindly. Next time you talk to them, check to see if their breath smells like dick. Chances are it does!




My Secret Lover (I Have Issues)

So I have a secret love affair with one of my neighbors... he just doesn't know it yet.

I really don't have a type I guess, but when someone asks my normal answer is: "A guy who can fix my roof/car/sink, who loves watching sports, doesn't think the mall is a fun pastime and doesn't know the difference between a Marc Jacobs dress with Jimmy Choos and a Wal Mart potato sac maternity dress with Crocs." In other words, I basically want a straight guy who just happens to like having sex with men (more specifically me). I guess I have a thing for manly men; like the kind who should be in Brawny commercials. The ones who can barely dress themselves and who always seems to be sweating from doing something active. And that's exactly what my secret lover is like...

I have lived by him coming up on 12 years and I've never even said a word to him. I just drive by his house real slowly and stare without any regard to anyone else on the road. Not stalker like at all. And he's always riding around on his ATV or cleaning off his truck from all the muddin. Yes, my secret lover is SO Redneck! A boat, an ATV, dirt bikes; he has them all. And if he's in the front trying to fix up that broken down truck, don't even talk to me. I want to just sit on the other side of the road with a glass of lemonade, watching as the sun shines down on his shirtless, Adonis body as he takes apart that old junker...

Oh jeez! I have a thing for the redneck guys! Come to think of it, every time I flip through the channels and accidentally stop on CMT, I'm usually greeted by some really hot cowboy singing that I want to make my boyfriend. But who can blame me? They can be so hot. I just need to find the right one. You know, the one without the Confederate Flag, the everlasting love for Jesus and that burning desire to place a burning cross on my lawn. It can't be that hard can it?


The car he actually drives is the called SIN WAGON! I would like a ride in the Sin Wagon. I'd introduce him to sins he's never even heard of before :)

Sticking to the "Nick has Man Issues" theme, I'd like to briefly discuss something that I'm quite embarrassed of. I was watching THS Investigates Prison Love, and I was wondering how these women/men can be crazy enough to get involved with these prisoners. Then I saw a website called WriteaPrisoner.com. Just being bored and curious I went on to check it out. Did you know that there are some hot ass niggas in prison? I mean, places filled with hot, desperate men and I'm NOT there!  Now that's a crime within itself! I've always joked about how I'm desperate enough for a boyfriend, that I'd go to prison, but DAMN! It's looking like a possibility.

And now I know how those people on the special can be so crazy. Because I am. I'm not stupid though. Trying to date someone who's in prison/getting out is so crazy and I would never do that. Or would I? I mean, I'm not going to try and go for a murderer, rapist or child molester. That's sick! But what's so wrong with aggravated robbery? In this economy, I'd steal everything I could get my hands on if I was good at it (and believe me, I am). But I have a conscience so that wouldn't happen either.

But I did see this fine ass muthafucker who only did a little robbery. He's reformed, got his edjumacation and did I mention that he's FINE??? And he gets out very soon. To send him a message or not? Oh I really have issues...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

There's an App for that!

Or at least I WISH there was an app for that. This is an awesome parody of the iPhone commercials. Of course there's a million of them out there, but I just love how wrong this is. I post this in honor of Matt: I hope your iPhone comes back to life. I know this is a very trying time for you so I hope this puts a smile on your face... until you realize that your phone is still going to die...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I'm in MIAMI BITCH!!!

... ok more like Aventura but it doesn't matter. Thursday was the best day ever! My friend Kristie came to visit me from LA for part of her birthday weekend. I was so excited to see her since it's been a year since we were last in the same city together. So what do we do to celebrate our reunion? We spent the two days together going to the Drive-in, the beach, the mall (twice), lunches and dinners, and one of the coolest clubs ever. But how do we kick it off? How about go to the Aventura Mall, specifically Kate Spade, and go see... DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
We waited around at the store with some serious fashionistas, sipping champagne and checking out the fashions of the store. And then, it was announced... the one and only TIM GUNN is about to come out! Please play the song! Tim Gunn is coming out!
I almost died! I don't feel like I'm the kind of guy who would freak out about celebrities, but I was pretty sure that I was going to start crying hysterically. He is just as awesome as you would think he is. He came out with some important Kate Spade lady who, in the grand scheme of things, really didn't matter. I mean, she's standing next to Tim FUCKING Gunn, we don't care about you bitch! The two of them talked about the importance of accessories to an outfit and dressed a model up and down, giving the audience pointers for a variety of situations. It was quite informative. And you could tell he wasn't just being a celebrity pushing some product. At one point he even talked about clothes that weren't even at the store. He was very real.

Oh! And he loves the word Whimsy. It's a good word. He even said "Make it Work!" and "Carry On!" without even trying like other lame people do with their catchphrases. It just comes out naturally. That's just the way he talks. How cool is that?

I was three feet away from Tim Gunn. All that separated me from him was two handbags and a little girl, who by the way, was the cutest thing ever (the little girl, not the handbag, but that was also cute). There were many Q &A moments and during one the 9 year old girl raised her hand and said "Can you look at me designs?" She had a little portfolio filled with sketches and it was the sweetest thing ever. But then again, she got to have one on one time with Tim because of it, so I'm jealous of the little... girl. I would call her something else, but that's just wrong. But I have no reason to be jealous (even though I do). It was so awesome. Besides...
Guess who's jealous of me and Kristie? You are Bitch!!!!

I've Never Seen it, but apparently it's THAT GAY

I've never seen Top Gun, but now I need to. Apparently it's the gayest thing ever. This clip has made me a believer. A gay coming of age story. Who wants to have a Top Gun movie night with me?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Gym Memoirs: 05/06-05/12

So my life revolves around the gym now, and I find that that's where all my awkward moments happen. No matter how much I keep to myself or how focused I am on the workout, I'm always stuck in a "hide my face" moment. I've been behind with writing about stuff so I figured I'd catch you up:

I was on the bike, cycling away, when I saw this old lady come by my bike and she looked like she was ready to go. She was about to attack the bike next to me. Like hardcore. Halfway into my workout, I look over to see that while she was speeding away on the bike, that she had forgotten to choose any program on the bike. So technically it wasn't even on. Thirty minutes of her pedaling away and she didn't even break a sweat. She left complaining that she didn't get anything out of the workout...

The trainers have noticed I'm the guy who's REALLY into his music. I'm constantly mouthing the words to the songs I'm listening to as I work out. When I cool down, you can find me sorta dancing to the music. I thought that was normal; apparently it isn't. They all walked by once, bobbing their heads with me and smiling. Then I realized that I had become something of an attraction at the gym. One of the guy trainers, who I never noticed before, walked by me twice smiling. He was SO HOT! Then I realized that someone in my sweatpants had noticed that fact as well...

Today was a special day though. It was like a two for one embarrassing day:

I ended up working out next to my secret gym crush. He's the towering, hot silent type. We were on the elliptical machines, just going at it, when I noticed that his very defined arms where sweaty... no... glistening. Then there was about five minutes that I can't account for. All I can remember is that I was fucking him with my eyes, my mouth was dropped, and I'm pretty sure I started to drool...

I was adjusting a seat on the one of the weight machines, when a very hot guy I never saw before started to walk by. I went to sit on the seat and well... You know the Tower of Terror at Disney? My reaction would have been more appropriate on that ride. I fell down to the bottom rung on the seat with a loud crash that everyone in the gym heard. Oh, and I yelled like a little bitch. The hot guy gave the cutest smile as he walked by and even talked to me a little as he was coming back from the water fountain. That made my day. I'm just glad I didn't scream like a little girl like I always do...

I lied. Three for one. I was walking into the locker room to use the restroom before I left and I almost ran into a naked old man. I turned the corner and within a split second I jumped out of the way of his extremely saggy front side. With my hands in the air, I yelled "DONE" and ran out...

Can't wait to see what the gym has in store for me tomorrow!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Going to Hell is my Thing

Ok, so I make fun of 9/11, you wanna fight about it? I can't say, "Oh, my cousin was there." or "Oh, my sister's best friend's aunt was on a plane." so I don't actually have any reasoning for why it's okay to make fun of 9/11 other than the fact that I think it's funny. But this bitch was also making fun of swine flu while it was out there doing it's thing, and if I was alive when Titanic sank I probably would have been making Titanic jokes. Honestly, I know it sucked, bad, like really bad, but the opportunity is always there to make a joke. If something SUCKS EPICALLY I enjoy saying, "Man, this is worse than 9/11..."

Okay, so you understand my messed-up side of this subject. And if anyone out there who reads SBP Handbook did have anyone related to the tragedy experience hell or a loss, I apologize, but I won't apologize if you yell at me for making jokes and you just defend 9/11 because that's the American thing to do. Go play Twin Tower Tetris then. I'm gonna make fun of 9/11, Muslims, the British, God, ants, myself, rednecks, and everyone else who sucks once in a while [and honeys, we ALL suck once in a while...]

Wanda Sykes is a famous comedian who recently had the privilege of speaking at the White House Correspondents Dinner for our president and selected elected officials. She's a black democratic lesbian, so you can pretty much tell she falls on the left just a bit. But apparently she is in some hot water for making a joke mainly about Rush Limbaugh that had a reference to 9/11. Check it out.



So yeah. Mr. President also happened to smile at that joke? Un-American, or is it still too soon? It's not like I'm making fun of some poor guy who was trapped on the top floor of the North Tower. It's not like Ms. Sykes was making light of the murder of all those innocent people on the planes. I think she's making fun of Rush Limbaugh, and making fun of Rush Limbaugh is like cornbread:
ain't nothing wrong with that.

Tremors at Tire Kingdom

So I am trapped in the waiting room all day. It's not so bad except for the earthquake machine sitting by me. If when you snore you're categorized as a natural disaster for Californians, then don't punish the public by falling asleep outside of your own bed. It may be relaxing for you, but my ears are bleeding... Seriously, we're hitting 8.6 on the Richter scale over here. Headphones, you are my Savior!

Oh fuck! I just felt an aftershock!





- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I Had My Bloody PERIOD...

And it hurt like a bitch!

Now you may be wondering "Hey Nick! Aren't you someone who's attached to a penis, which in turn means you can't have a period?" Well first of all, YOU DON'T KNOW ME! How would you know if I had my period or not? Do you go tampon shopping with me? I think not...

I should let you know, I know a lot about periods (and I'm quite scared of them). I had very awkward run-ins on my bus when it comes to the topic of the blood flow from down below. There was the one tirade by this crazy bitch screaming for all of us to hear "That's my tampon string you ignorant bitch! I'M ON MY PERIOD!" (I should let you know, she totally said that like the angry Incredible Hulk). Or the fact that we decided to do very stupid things like have tampon wars, where we fire tampons at each other and squirt fake red gunk at each other. Ok, I need to stop talking about high school. I'm embarrassing myself.

But if we can touch on that stupid bitch on the bus for a moment: OF COURSE we know you're on your period! It's not our problem that we can ALL see your tampon string hanging out. Of course we're going to laugh at you. You brought that on yourself.

But in any case, back to me and my man period. I guess I should say that there was no blood flow happening over here, but it wasn't a cake walk either. I had to deal with something that all you ladies all have to deal with: MUTHAFUCKING CRAMPS! Ok, it was A CRAMP. But it hurt so bad for so long. I was so miserable. I couldn't move for hours. I just laid in my bed, wanting to end my life. And what did I do to deserve this? I woke up this morning. Fucking Life...

Anyway, I got great advice from a female friend, who also happens to know a thing or two about periods and cramps (Go Figure!). So I took some aspirin, laid on a heating pad, and had some comfort food. I was going to lay there and watch the new episode of Gossip Girl I had missed. I was so excited! But when I went to the CW online, I was not greeted by a new GG episode. They STILL hadn't posted it! WTF! How could they do this to me? How could God do this to ME? I was in hell and they were taking away the ONE THING that would bring me joy!

Don't they know I was on my period?

Worst/Best Line from a Movie Ever!

I hear that the movie Shark Attack is pretty terrible. So a clip from Shark Attack 3 isn't very promising... But I recently found out that this line is a REALLY big deal. I'm always late to the party...

Anyway, it is quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever heard! So I should set up the scene (or at least what other people tell me the scene is): their good friend just died by a shark attack. So as you're watching the scene, try and figure out what doesn't belong.


Monday, May 4, 2009

Mind My Chester French


I love music, but it's not everyday that an artist/band comes out with music that completely and utterly rocks my face off. Enter the boys of Chester French. They have been on heavy rotation ever since their mixtape "Jacques Jams, VOL. 1: Endurance" hit the interweb.

This is about the time that I talk about my favorite tracks, but I can't do that. It would be wrong to just talk about just one. This is the most complete album I've heard in a very long time and it's just a free online mixtape. Yes FREE! It tells a story, with great, hilarious skits in between, that talks about their rise from Harvard graduates, to making their debut album and hanging out with the likes of Pharrell and Diddy. I honestly can't believe that an album this awesome exists. If I were to ever make an album, this is exactly how it would be.

It mixes rock, hip hop, soul and everything in between. And it's not some crazy mix-match that doesn't make sense. It just flows together seamlessly. It just freakin works! Let's not even talk about the guest stars on the mixtape. Ok, let's name them: Diddy, Pharrell, Common, Talib Kweli, Bun B, Janelle Monae, Pusha from the Clipse, Solange, Jadakiss, Cassie and Jermaine Dupri among others. Yeah, it looks like I'm not the only one who's caught the Chester French bug...

Their debut album, "Love the Future," just came out and from what I've seen, has been getting some great reviews. I'm waiting to buy the album (yes, I said BUY not DOWNLOAD), because I'm not sure which package I want to buy from them. I'm actually a VIP member so I have SO many choices. Oh, and if you're wondering if their awesomeness is just being blown out of proportion by my fanboy ways, I should let you in on some of the packages they offer: I can have them play basketball with me and hang out, come have a slumber party at my house where they cook breakfast and serenade my mother, OR going on a freakin African Safari with them! Yeah, they're that awesome...

If you want to check out the mixtape (which i know you do), you can download it from their website:

http://www.chesterfrench.com/mixtape/

I'll have a review of their debut album when I finally decide what package I'm getting. Who wants to see me on an African Safari? Cross your fingers...

The Most Interesting Commercial in the World

I'm totally obsessed with the "The Most Interesting Man in the World" commercial by Dos Equis. I don't drink Dos Equis; I don't even drink that much beer for that matter. But I LOVE this ad. I think it's because I already see myself as the Most Interesting Man in the World... the world just doesn't know this yet. And even if I'm not (although I totally am), it gives me something to aspire to be.

After doing some digging, I found all these other ads. This guy is the new Chuck Norris. Yeah, I said it! He's that awesome.







Friday, May 1, 2009

Was about to go to hell, But I got a black man's approval

Well everyone, I need to share this video with you. It's pretty epic and you'll see why. There's not much more that can be said about it. You be the judge, whose at fault here?





So, whose going to hell now? Not I!