Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Adventures with White People: Part Deux (Duh)!

I should have learned my lesson. I already did my good deed for the century by hanging out with Navaar and company that one brain numbing excuse for a night of fun. I paid my debt to society, lost a couple of brain cells and my faith in humanity. So why would I possibly go back over there? Was it because Emily was having the time of her life overseas and I needed a buddy? Was I so bored that I really chose to risk the last few IQ points I had desperately saved from my last encounter? Or did I want to just laugh at some stupid people?

I really can’t say. Friendships make you do funny things… like trip and fall into an experience I never thought I’d have.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I really love Navaar and Max. That being said, my friends are idiots. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, please see the first post of Adventures with White People.

Navaar invited me to hang out with him and Max at his house. Both his father and brother were gone for the night so the house was all to ourselves. OH JOY! I sat on the couch and watch Max and Navaar take turns sucking at Metal Gear Solid 3 for about an hour before the night really picked up. As Navaar ran upstairs to get his computer, I was faced with a very awkward issue.

My last encounter with the boys introduced me to the wonderful Rory. And while I could see he was just a useless, self-centered juicehead, I found out that I wasn’t the only one not charmed by him. Apparently Max wasn’t TEAM RORY either, but not for the reason I thought. Max had an issue with the way Rory and Navaar talked to each other. They took the bromance idea to a new level. And while Rory and Navaar confessed their undying love for each other while punching each other in the arm yet longingly looking into each other’s eyes, Max sat in the corner trying to not think about his best friend balls deep in Rory. Or vice versa. Rory seems like he’d be a bitchy little bottom…

While I was excited about having someone on my side, I feared that Max didn’t know that I too secretly wished to be balls deep in Rory. Not in a gay way. Though I am gay and that’s the point of it all. I would just like to put the bitch in his place. Awkward Moment.

All night I debated whether or not to do something with the awkward tension in the air. Max had been my friend for years. Did he really believe I would just jump his bones? Didn’t he know I was into Rory?!?! After sitting in silence for awhile, I finally asked him if he knew I was gay. And just like that, things were fine. Of course he knew I was gay! He’s totally fine with it. He just didn’t like the fact that the last time we hung out Navaar and Rory were playing out the beginning scene of every gay porno ever! Totally understandable.

So what does this have to do with my crazy night? Nothing really. Just wanted to avoid explaining what happened next:

It was interesting that the last time we got together, neither one of them could even approach a woman. Yet Navaar was descending the stairs, with computer in hand and the best idea ever: Let’s find a prostitute on Craigslist for him and Max to double team. He was nice enough to offer finding a man for myself, but I knew that there was a special guy waiting for me across the country. That and I'm too damn sexy to have to pay for some adult fun.

What I thought was a joke became going to the ATM for money, discussing how they were going to trick her into a two for one deal and calling the hoe over. That’s not an insult. It’s her career.

Thirty minutes later, I watched as a nickel was actually let into the house (She was definitely not a dime. Discounted price people!). Of course she didn’t fall for their scheme to get to Eiffel Tower her, and because we feared the wrath of her pimp and he put in ten more dollars than Max, it was Navaar was the lucky trick of the night. It’s really weird to sit downstairs as your friend bangs a hooker in his bedroom. What’s worse is when the bathroom downstairs is occupied, and you have to go to the bathroom next to the sexy time room while you try and take a deuce, forced to listen to the soundtrack of their “lovemaking.”

After the standard amount of time (Good Job Navaar!), she left, I went home and the three of us never spoke of it again….

Oh! And if you plan on having sex with a hooker while your friends are in the house, close the fucking door please! It was so unfortunate that I had to see that and then judge.

Official Rating: Ehhhh…

And yes. The sex was more awkward than that!

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