Gym Memoirs: 05/06-05/12

So my life revolves around the gym now, and I find that that's where all my awkward moments happen. No matter how much I keep to myself or how focused I am on the workout, I'm always stuck in a "hide my face" moment. I've been behind with writing about stuff so I figured I'd catch you up:

I was on the bike, cycling away, when I saw this old lady come by my bike and she looked like she was ready to go. She was about to attack the bike next to me. Like hardcore. Halfway into my workout, I look over to see that while she was speeding away on the bike, that she had forgotten to choose any program on the bike. So technically it wasn't even on. Thirty minutes of her pedaling away and she didn't even break a sweat. She left complaining that she didn't get anything out of the workout...

The trainers have noticed I'm the guy who's REALLY into his music. I'm constantly mouthing the words to the songs I'm listening to as I work out. When I cool down, you can find me sorta dancing to the music. I thought that was normal; apparently it isn't. They all walked by once, bobbing their heads with me and smiling. Then I realized that I had become something of an attraction at the gym. One of the guy trainers, who I never noticed before, walked by me twice smiling. He was SO HOT! Then I realized that someone in my sweatpants had noticed that fact as well...

Today was a special day though. It was like a two for one embarrassing day:

I ended up working out next to my secret gym crush. He's the towering, hot silent type. We were on the elliptical machines, just going at it, when I noticed that his very defined arms where sweaty... no... glistening. Then there was about five minutes that I can't account for. All I can remember is that I was fucking him with my eyes, my mouth was dropped, and I'm pretty sure I started to drool...

I was adjusting a seat on the one of the weight machines, when a very hot guy I never saw before started to walk by. I went to sit on the seat and well... You know the Tower of Terror at Disney? My reaction would have been more appropriate on that ride. I fell down to the bottom rung on the seat with a loud crash that everyone in the gym heard. Oh, and I yelled like a little bitch. The hot guy gave the cutest smile as he walked by and even talked to me a little as he was coming back from the water fountain. That made my day. I'm just glad I didn't scream like a little girl like I always do...

I lied. Three for one. I was walking into the locker room to use the restroom before I left and I almost ran into a naked old man. I turned the corner and within a split second I jumped out of the way of his extremely saggy front side. With my hands in the air, I yelled "DONE" and ran out...

Can't wait to see what the gym has in store for me tomorrow!

Little Old Ladies and Drive-Bys at Publix

So I'm not quite sure what just happened. I don't think I did anything, but I think that's part of the problem...

So I'm at the checkout at the supermarket and I'm having a nice conversation with the little old lady at the register. When I'm about to leave, the other little old lady bagging my groceries decides she wants to turn my cart around. I'm thinking she's just helping me get behind it, but then I realize she's pushing it out for me. I'm trying to tell her I can take it, but she just smiles at me and continues to push in front of me.

Ok. So there really shouldn't be a problem with a bagger pushing someone's cart out of for them. They do it all the time. I'm 20 years old, standing at about 5'10 while this lady who looks like she can be my grandmother stands at a whopping 4 foot nothing. I should be able to take my own cart out seeing as I can probably lift three of her over my head. What happens next just felt fucking awkward.

We walk outside of Publix. It's more like I'm chasing after her, because she's moving like the wind and apparently knows how to find my car faster than I do. As I look around I realize, everyone and their mother is walking in and out of Publix. And they're all staring at us.

I was stuck in a slow motion movie moment. We were outside for at most two minutes, but it felt like an hour. I actually saw people pointing at us and talking among themselves. Cars slowed down as they drove by us, which were in desperate need for tinted windows, because I could see the disgust on their faces as clear as day. If I saw someone who looked like a NFL linebacker making some poor old lady push his cart and unpack his groceries, I'd talk shit too.

So I rushed to the trunk of my car and helped pack things in as quickly as I could. I needed to get the fuck out of there. We were finished and I was stuck in yet another awkward moment. I had never had someone push my cart out for me seeing as I'm fully capable to do it myself. Was I supposed to tip her? Fuck. Even if I was supposed to, she didn't give me the chance. She took the cart back as quickly as she had taken it out, smiling as she said goodbye.

I saw people shaking their heads at me. And to add insult to injury, not only did I take advantage of an old lady by being lazy as fuck and making her do manual labor, I didn't even give her anything for it. I was the biggest tool in the parking lot, and the look on everyone's faces let me know that.

Mother Fucker! I should have tipped her.

And people have let me know that tipping is strictly prohibited by Publix. Good to know but I don't give a fuck! That lady deserved a dollar.