The Homeless and the Gym Bunny

So I went to the gym for the first time in awhile today. I always go on the bike first so I sat down and began to peddle away. That was when I saw him; the new face at the gym. And he was FIIIINNE!!!! And for the first time ever I could tell that he was actually gay! It was my first gay sighting at the gym, which should have happened sooner because gays love the gym.

He was wearing a tiny, tight wifebeater that beautifully hugged his hot latino body. And he had a face to die for. Like those really hot guys in those telenovellas that you watch just because he's on it and you can't turn away so you continue to watch it even though the only phrase you know in Spanish is "May I use the bathroom?" (or is that just me? whatever.)

And he had this pair of shorts... ok, let me talk about the shorts for a second. They were a huge distraction. They ended a little above mid-thigh, which with his long dancer's legs, meant they were even shorter than they were supposed to be. And when I said dancer's legs, I meant that the muscles in his thighs alone can crush a watermelon, which made me imagine what it could do to me ;-). And I should point out, I have this crazy thing for legs. I don't know what it is, but a nice pair of calves that leads to a nice pair of thighs which becomes a nice sexy butt... look! At least I'm not some crazy foot guy! But yeah, he was a sight to behold. And in a gym full of straight guys who wear shorts below the knee, I finally got something to stare at!

And stare at it I did. I couldn't help myself. At one point I realized I was peddling so slowly, my machine shut off. That's how mesmerized I was by this hottie. Anyway, I finally finished up on the bike and moved on to my weight exercises. As I walked over, I ran into him again. He was sitting on one of the three machines that I use... right in the middle. This meant I would have to sit next to him; close proximity if I wanted to finish my workout. I ended up circling the gym floor, trying to wait him out so I didn't have to sit by him. Then I realized that I WANT TO SIT BY HIM. I went back over to the machine next to him and sat down, happy to be able to stare at him in the mirror in front of us so he wouldn't catch me looking (anymore).

Then I saw it. Something that I had not seen before. This homeless guy was at the gym, working on the machines. What's more disturbing is that the homeless guy was me! I realized I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. I looked a HOT MESS. My hair and beard were overgrown, looking like someone who forgot what self grooming was. For the first time in history, my face decided to completely breakout. I looked like I smeared pizza grease all over my face. And then I saw what I was wearing: a brown T-shirt, bright blue sweat pants and black skater shoes. I was embarrassed to be out with myself.

I finished my machine workouts in a state of pity and self loathing. I was supposed to go work out on the elliptical, which I decided against seeing as the only one left was the one right next to him.

From now on, I need to do a mirror check before I go to the gym. And just to add how perfect this guy was, when he walked by me, after working out as hard if not harder than me, he smelled delightful. Like a bunch of fucking roses. I on the other hand, smelled like ass.

And I wanted to add something. I felt like a creeper talking so much about his legs but I'm like a sweet Mormon child compared to Matt. He takes pictures of legs he likes on his iPhone. Yet another reason why that phone is unhealthy for him.

Gym Memoirs: 05/06-05/12

So my life revolves around the gym now, and I find that that's where all my awkward moments happen. No matter how much I keep to myself or how focused I am on the workout, I'm always stuck in a "hide my face" moment. I've been behind with writing about stuff so I figured I'd catch you up:

I was on the bike, cycling away, when I saw this old lady come by my bike and she looked like she was ready to go. She was about to attack the bike next to me. Like hardcore. Halfway into my workout, I look over to see that while she was speeding away on the bike, that she had forgotten to choose any program on the bike. So technically it wasn't even on. Thirty minutes of her pedaling away and she didn't even break a sweat. She left complaining that she didn't get anything out of the workout...

The trainers have noticed I'm the guy who's REALLY into his music. I'm constantly mouthing the words to the songs I'm listening to as I work out. When I cool down, you can find me sorta dancing to the music. I thought that was normal; apparently it isn't. They all walked by once, bobbing their heads with me and smiling. Then I realized that I had become something of an attraction at the gym. One of the guy trainers, who I never noticed before, walked by me twice smiling. He was SO HOT! Then I realized that someone in my sweatpants had noticed that fact as well...

Today was a special day though. It was like a two for one embarrassing day:

I ended up working out next to my secret gym crush. He's the towering, hot silent type. We were on the elliptical machines, just going at it, when I noticed that his very defined arms where sweaty... no... glistening. Then there was about five minutes that I can't account for. All I can remember is that I was fucking him with my eyes, my mouth was dropped, and I'm pretty sure I started to drool...

I was adjusting a seat on the one of the weight machines, when a very hot guy I never saw before started to walk by. I went to sit on the seat and well... You know the Tower of Terror at Disney? My reaction would have been more appropriate on that ride. I fell down to the bottom rung on the seat with a loud crash that everyone in the gym heard. Oh, and I yelled like a little bitch. The hot guy gave the cutest smile as he walked by and even talked to me a little as he was coming back from the water fountain. That made my day. I'm just glad I didn't scream like a little girl like I always do...

I lied. Three for one. I was walking into the locker room to use the restroom before I left and I almost ran into a naked old man. I turned the corner and within a split second I jumped out of the way of his extremely saggy front side. With my hands in the air, I yelled "DONE" and ran out...

Can't wait to see what the gym has in store for me tomorrow!

Unwanted Gym Penis Exposure

I've been going to the gym a lot lately, and I'm very unhappy about the constant penis sightings every time I go to the locker room. I'm just trying to go to the rest room and I'm constantly being bombarded with penises from all sides. You would think that this would be a good thing for me, right?

It's never like those wonderful gay locker room fantasies. Every once and a while you get that sexy ass bitch that gives you the motivation to work your ass off if only for a glimpse. What people don't tell you about the male gym experience is that to get to that random good/great sighting, you have to deal with 1000 sightings that make you want to rip your eyes out.  

Old men and vomit inducing excuses for men  walking around naked just hanging out like it's nothing. And I've had every scenario: nasty mothafuckas reaching/jumping to grab a towel, bodies that should be covered all the time bending over, old men standing around naked in groups talking about sports. And don't EVER try and tie your shoes! You'll have swinging pendulums trying to attack your face (and not in the good way). I swear someone intentionally tired to bitch slap me with his wang...

And the good sightings really don't end up going well either. What do you mean I'm not allowed to look at your sexy body? If you don't want me to stare, then keep it to yourself you tease! Don't talk to me when I'm taking a piss! I don't want to have a conversation when I'm holding myself unless it ends with it in your mouth!

I just don't want to deal with all that. People are either trying to tempt me or make me throw up on them. I'm not interested in your package unless it's being delivered to my fun zone! If you keep playing games, I'm going to make sure I cum out the winner!