Wednesday, May 27, 2009

My Secret Lover (I Have Issues)

So I have a secret love affair with one of my neighbors... he just doesn't know it yet.

I really don't have a type I guess, but when someone asks my normal answer is: "A guy who can fix my roof/car/sink, who loves watching sports, doesn't think the mall is a fun pastime and doesn't know the difference between a Marc Jacobs dress with Jimmy Choos and a Wal Mart potato sac maternity dress with Crocs." In other words, I basically want a straight guy who just happens to like having sex with men (more specifically me). I guess I have a thing for manly men; like the kind who should be in Brawny commercials. The ones who can barely dress themselves and who always seems to be sweating from doing something active. And that's exactly what my secret lover is like...

I have lived by him coming up on 12 years and I've never even said a word to him. I just drive by his house real slowly and stare without any regard to anyone else on the road. Not stalker like at all. And he's always riding around on his ATV or cleaning off his truck from all the muddin. Yes, my secret lover is SO Redneck! A boat, an ATV, dirt bikes; he has them all. And if he's in the front trying to fix up that broken down truck, don't even talk to me. I want to just sit on the other side of the road with a glass of lemonade, watching as the sun shines down on his shirtless, Adonis body as he takes apart that old junker...

Oh jeez! I have a thing for the redneck guys! Come to think of it, every time I flip through the channels and accidentally stop on CMT, I'm usually greeted by some really hot cowboy singing that I want to make my boyfriend. But who can blame me? They can be so hot. I just need to find the right one. You know, the one without the Confederate Flag, the everlasting love for Jesus and that burning desire to place a burning cross on my lawn. It can't be that hard can it?

The car he actually drives is the called SIN WAGON! I would like a ride in the Sin Wagon. I'd introduce him to sins he's never even heard of before :)

Sticking to the "Nick has Man Issues" theme, I'd like to briefly discuss something that I'm quite embarrassed of. I was watching THS Investigates Prison Love, and I was wondering how these women/men can be crazy enough to get involved with these prisoners. Then I saw a website called Just being bored and curious I went on to check it out. Did you know that there are some hot ass niggas in prison? I mean, places filled with hot, desperate men and I'm NOT there!  Now that's a crime within itself! I've always joked about how I'm desperate enough for a boyfriend, that I'd go to prison, but DAMN! It's looking like a possibility.

And now I know how those people on the special can be so crazy. Because I am. I'm not stupid though. Trying to date someone who's in prison/getting out is so crazy and I would never do that. Or would I? I mean, I'm not going to try and go for a murderer, rapist or child molester. That's sick! But what's so wrong with aggravated robbery? In this economy, I'd steal everything I could get my hands on if I was good at it (and believe me, I am). But I have a conscience so that wouldn't happen either.

But I did see this fine ass muthafucker who only did a little robbery. He's reformed, got his edjumacation and did I mention that he's FINE??? And he gets out very soon. To send him a message or not? Oh I really have issues...

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