Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Homeless and the Gym Bunny

So I went to the gym for the first time in awhile today. I always go on the bike first so I sat down and began to peddle away. That was when I saw him; the new face at the gym. And he was FIIIINNE!!!! And for the first time ever I could tell that he was actually gay! It was my first gay sighting at the gym, which should have happened sooner because gays love the gym.

He was wearing a tiny, tight wifebeater that beautifully hugged his hot latino body. And he had a face to die for. Like those really hot guys in those telenovellas that you watch just because he's on it and you can't turn away so you continue to watch it even though the only phrase you know in Spanish is "May I use the bathroom?" (or is that just me? whatever.)

And he had this pair of shorts... ok, let me talk about the shorts for a second. They were a huge distraction. They ended a little above mid-thigh, which with his long dancer's legs, meant they were even shorter than they were supposed to be. And when I said dancer's legs, I meant that the muscles in his thighs alone can crush a watermelon, which made me imagine what it could do to me ;-). And I should point out, I have this crazy thing for legs. I don't know what it is, but a nice pair of calves that leads to a nice pair of thighs which becomes a nice sexy butt... look! At least I'm not some crazy foot guy! But yeah, he was a sight to behold. And in a gym full of straight guys who wear shorts below the knee, I finally got something to stare at!

And stare at it I did. I couldn't help myself. At one point I realized I was peddling so slowly, my machine shut off. That's how mesmerized I was by this hottie. Anyway, I finally finished up on the bike and moved on to my weight exercises. As I walked over, I ran into him again. He was sitting on one of the three machines that I use... right in the middle. This meant I would have to sit next to him; close proximity if I wanted to finish my workout. I ended up circling the gym floor, trying to wait him out so I didn't have to sit by him. Then I realized that I WANT TO SIT BY HIM. I went back over to the machine next to him and sat down, happy to be able to stare at him in the mirror in front of us so he wouldn't catch me looking (anymore).

Then I saw it. Something that I had not seen before. This homeless guy was at the gym, working on the machines. What's more disturbing is that the homeless guy was me! I realized I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. I looked a HOT MESS. My hair and beard were overgrown, looking like someone who forgot what self grooming was. For the first time in history, my face decided to completely breakout. I looked like I smeared pizza grease all over my face. And then I saw what I was wearing: a brown T-shirt, bright blue sweat pants and black skater shoes. I was embarrassed to be out with myself.

I finished my machine workouts in a state of pity and self loathing. I was supposed to go work out on the elliptical, which I decided against seeing as the only one left was the one right next to him.

From now on, I need to do a mirror check before I go to the gym. And just to add how perfect this guy was, when he walked by me, after working out as hard if not harder than me, he smelled delightful. Like a bunch of fucking roses. I on the other hand, smelled like ass.

And I wanted to add something. I felt like a creeper talking so much about his legs but I'm like a sweet Mormon child compared to Matt. He takes pictures of legs he likes on his iPhone. Yet another reason why that phone is unhealthy for him.

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