Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bank of America Ass Raped Me!

A lot of people complain to me about Bank of America and their services. To be honest, I've never had a problem with them... until two days ago...

They fucked up something on my account and gave me 5 OVERDRAFT FEES! If you're unaware how much an overdraft fee costs with Buttfucking Steal Your Money America, it's $35 a piece. They charged me $175 in overdraft fees in one day because of $40 of insufficient funds AFTER I fixed the muthafucking problem. I had $29 in my account, and they just took out those fees because they wanted to! (It's more complex than this, so I gave you the cliffnotes).

So what is a disgruntled customer supposed to do? I had a sit down today and decided to call their customer service. I should call it customer DISservice. I couldn't reach anyone. I went through every channel, every automated statement trying to hear the magic words "Talk to a Representative." Nothing. Couldn't find it. But they did remind me how fucked I am with my account and let me know I can hang up at anytime. They couldn't see which finger I was holding up, but I hoped that in their headquarters they could feel it!

So I went online and did something I found completely absurd: I talked to a representative through their online instant messenger application. WTF! Really? How am I supposed to relay the full extent of my hate for them through IM? Should I really use an "Angry Face?"


I don't like to because I often use that as my "I'm so pissed you jizzed in my eye! Why do I still have my mouth open for you" face. I would hate to send the wrong message...

After 30 minutes of internet foreplay, she dashed my dreams of ever getting anything good out of it for myself. She simply told me that it wasn't a bank error so she couldn't do anything for me. It is a bank error! I wouldn't be IMing you if it was my fault! I tried to be polite and thank her for her help. That bitch had the audacity to say "the pleasure was all mine." Of course it was! You just ass raped me and got away with it! FUCKING BITCH! (If you IM with a representative name Kirstie, let her know I'm coming to fuck her up!)

Here at SBP, we always talk about who needs a bitch slap; today it's Bank of America. But I want to do something we haven't had the opportunity to do yet: I'm actually going to BITCH SLAP Bank of America tomorrow! If you hear reports of a crazy man bitch slapping employees at a bank, you know it's me. I'll have a conclusion for you guys tomorrow. Wish me luck!

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