Fuck

I broke the tip of my pencil. I seriously need to slap a bitch now...

Going to Hell is my Thing

Ok, so I make fun of 9/11, you wanna fight about it? I can't say, "Oh, my cousin was there." or "Oh, my sister's best friend's aunt was on a plane." so I don't actually have any reasoning for why it's okay to make fun of 9/11 other than the fact that I think it's funny. But this bitch was also making fun of swine flu while it was out there doing it's thing, and if I was alive when Titanic sank I probably would have been making Titanic jokes. Honestly, I know it sucked, bad, like really bad, but the opportunity is always there to make a joke. If something SUCKS EPICALLY I enjoy saying, "Man, this is worse than 9/11..."

Okay, so you understand my messed-up side of this subject. And if anyone out there who reads SBP Handbook did have anyone related to the tragedy experience hell or a loss, I apologize, but I won't apologize if you yell at me for making jokes and you just defend 9/11 because that's the American thing to do. Go play Twin Tower Tetris then. I'm gonna make fun of 9/11, Muslims, the British, God, ants, myself, rednecks, and everyone else who sucks once in a while [and honeys, we ALL suck once in a while...]

Wanda Sykes is a famous comedian who recently had the privilege of speaking at the White House Correspondents Dinner for our president and selected elected officials. She's a black democratic lesbian, so you can pretty much tell she falls on the left just a bit. But apparently she is in some hot water for making a joke mainly about Rush Limbaugh that had a reference to 9/11. Check it out.



So yeah. Mr. President also happened to smile at that joke? Un-American, or is it still too soon? It's not like I'm making fun of some poor guy who was trapped on the top floor of the North Tower. It's not like Ms. Sykes was making light of the murder of all those innocent people on the planes. I think she's making fun of Rush Limbaugh, and making fun of Rush Limbaugh is like cornbread: ain't nothing wrong with that.

Bitch Slap the Piggies

Okay, my vacation is officially over, and now I come back to Florida to worry about this pig shit. I don't understand how the fuck we can go from birds getting us sick, to pigs getting us sick, to some kind of number N1H1 fuck getting us sick, but we gotta fucking stop this shit. Stop using that antibacterial hand soap bitches, you know it's making germs harder to kill. Deal with your little cold or committing a faux pas.

And those masks that all the Mexicans and Chinese are wearing now? What the fuck is that gonna do? You know you're going to go home on the train and touch some bitch's snot on a handrail and get the fucking illness when you take your ugly-ass mask off and pick your nose in the "safety" of your home while no one's watching.

Anyways, if we all start acting smart for once and not like a bunch of collective dumbasses we won't face a massive pandemic.

I'm going to eat some sausage now.

Getting that Winn Dixie Poonani

So I will never go to Winn Dixie to return anything ever again!

I went to the customer service desk and a really pretty girl walked behind the counter to help me. As she started processing things, we made small talk. Then we had to wait for her manager to come and finish the transaction. That was the LONGEST 15 minutes of my life.

Next time I won't say a damn thing. I realized that my "small talk" had been on the fast track to "dinner and a movie."  She started laughing at everything I said, which is normal because everyone laughs at me, but then I saw her playing with her hair flirtatiously. I knew I was in trouble. I kept looking for the fucking manager, but no one was in sight. 

She started to sing whatever Natasha Bedingfield song that was playing throughout the store as I awkwardly nodded my head to the beat and searched for the manager. After the song, she proclaimed that we just had a cute little duet. Bitch, if it was a duet I would have been singing too, not trying to pretend you weren't there!

This girl was bold. Bolder than I could ever hope to be. She let me know that she was going to be off of work in 40 minutes. That's nice. Like I care? Let me get my money back so that I can fucking leave. But no, she had to say it: "Are you hungry? Wanna go grab something after I get off?" 

HELL NO I'M NOT HUNGRY! WHERE MY MONEY AT BITCH?

I proceeded to let her know that I had just ate. I then witnessed the excitement wash away on her face. While I'm flattered by her asking me out, I'm just not that into her. Well, I'm just not that into vagina to be exact. 

Why is it that girls constantly throw themselves at me but I can't get any play with guys? Any guys at all! I'm not fucking picky. You point out a guy and 9 times out of 10 I'd hit that. I might not tell people about it, but I'd hit that nonetheless. Just my luck, it's only girls who want to get into my pants. I'm so sick of chicks hitting on me. Am I giving off some type of "I like to Fuck Vagina" pheromone or something? I need to give off "Nick Likes Mangina" from now on. Maybe I should just be blatantly obvious: write "Nick for Dicks" on my forehead. Ugh!

And I should explain my state of dress... I had just come back from the gym, I took a quick shower, put on my raggedy bum clothes and went to the store. I was NOT looking cute. Yet somehow I was a chick magnet.

So finally the manager came and processed the return. I watched as the girl tried to secretly talk about me to the manager who also happened to be female. Too bad they were right in front of me and not the least bit discreet. The girl reached for the pen on the counter but touched my hand "by mistake." The pen was WAY on the other side of the counter. She just wanted to hold my hand, which would have been cute to me if she was blessed with a penis. I wrote down my information, took my receipt and said goodbye, to which she giggled and said "You made my day! I'll see you around." Yeah... no, I'm going to Publix from now on.

Then  it remembered when I got to my car... I had to write down my phone number on the store receipt. Now this girl has my phone number. I give up! Time to go to the dark side... The Poonani side.

Kanye and the Gay Fish Scandal

I can't deny it; I love me some Kanye music. I really do. I have every album. But ask me if I actually bought any of them... I refuse to buy music from such a complete egotistical asshole. I REFUSE! His personality is just ugly to me. And no matter how disgustingly he acts out in public, we all still go out and get his album. I don't like to reward terrible behavior, so I don't.

After dealing with his BITCHASSNESS for such a long time, my dreams were finally answered when South Park decided to take that bitch down a notch. If you haven't seen the episode from two nights ago, GO WATCH IT NOW! Shit's hilarious! 

The story starts up with a very cute/funny joke about gay fish. What does gay fish have to do with Kanye West? Everything! The South Park crew weaves a great story around the absurdity that is Kanye West and how exactly the drama queen acts. It was perfect from beginning to end. 

But if showing Kanye how big of an ass he is wasn't great enough, there was an entire subplot that leads to Carlos Mencia getting his ass beat! And I REALLY hate Carlos Mencia! Get out of my head Matt and Trey!

Kanye apparently took the whole episode in stride and might actually be turning over a new leaf. It remains to be seen if Kanye will really change or if he's still going to be the big ol' douche that we've all grown to known and put up with.

Seeing Sounds... It Bitch Slaps Shitty "Hot N Cold" Covers

So Matt recently posted something about the song "Hot N Cold" which is a song that I absolutely love. The cover on the other hand was a piece of shit that I wanted to smear all over his fucking face. That being said, it's time to bitch slap Matt's post with music that fucks up bitches. Yes, I am indeed calling out Matt's wack ass post in front of everyone! We're very mature over here at SBP...

So everyone needs to check out "Seeing Sounds" from the group N.E.R.D. I fucking love these guys! Be warned, they really aren't for everyone, as the album is a mix-match of different styles and influences. But I can let you know, if you're a lover of lots of different types of music, you'll find the album to be a welcome inclusion into your music library. If you're the type of person who only likes one type of music, there's bound to be a song just for you!

The album has songs that you've bound to hear somewhere: from clubs to commercials. The lead songs off the album include "Everyone Nose (All the Girls Standing in the Line for the Bathroom)", "Spaz", and "Sooner or Later." But it also has a lot of little gems such as "Kill Joy", "Love Bomb" and my personal favorite "Anti Matter."

As for "Anti Matter," we have fond memories over here at SBP. When at school, I would pick up Ayesha before class and we would often blast it in my car, getting hyped up to fuck up bitches in class. Ayesha and I are G's if you didn't know. Listening to the song just makes you want to throw up gang signs, act reckless and belligerent, and pray that some poor soul crosses you so that you can stomp the shit outta them. Sometimes we just want to crush people's sense of self worth and what's better than doing that? Doing it with an awesome soundtrack! Oh, it really is a piece of art...

It's the perfect song to drive slowly in front of an elementary school, blasting it and hoping to scar little children for life. Did you know I'm a great babysitter? 

So yeah... Seeing Sounds. It's music to fuck up bitches to. No questions. Just blast it and slap bitches (because that's really what life is all about right?)

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped

WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!

Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.

Twilight and the Age of Bitch Ass Vampires

I'm going to be assassinated after this post. I will miss you all. But honestly, FUCK TWILIGHT!

No movie has done more to de-fang the awesomeness that is vampires than this Laguna Beach wannabe.  

I should tell you that I have NOT watched Twilight. So you ask yourself "Why would you bash something you haven't even seen?" Good question reader. I know myself. I love mushy, stupid girly things that make you cry and believe in the power of love. I'm sure if I watched Twilight, I'd be like all the Twilight fans out there acting like pre-teen bitches, getting all tingly in their vaginas over the mere sight of a Twilight poster. I can't let that happen. Why you ask? Besides the fact that I'm partial to my penis and what little manhood I have left, there's only one other reason: Because this movie takes vampires, arguably one of the most badass creatures ever, and turn them into emo, crybaby pussies.

I don't want to watch a movie about some lame ass bitches that run around DURING THE DAY, drink ANIMAL BLOOD, and want to fall in love. Vampires kill bitches! They run around at night, kicking ass and viciously ripping into whore's necks.

I heard that the two bitches in the movie don't even have sex until the last book. THE LAST FUCKING BOOK. If he was a real vampire, he'd fuck the bitch sideways in the air, bite the shit out of her neck and decide whether or not he likes her enough for another go around or if he wants to let the stupid bitch die. That's how real vampires get shit done!

Oh, and as for the whole "walking around in daylight" thing. I get that they explain some stupid explanation for why they can do that. But how is it when they actually get touched by the light, they dazzle. DAZZLE MUTHAFUCKER! That's the gayest thing I ever heard! They took what is quite possibly the coolest thing about their death, and reduced it to a fucking glitterfest! Vampires bodies can shrivel up, catch on fire as they run around like a fireball of death, or in the coolest cases, BLOW THE FUCK UP! Ashes everywhere! Now that's entertainment.

I have no problem with love stories. I love love stories. And love stories with vampires would be EPIC for me. Infusing vampires with teen issues is nothing new and has been done exceptionally well before (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bitches!). But I refuse to watch something that destroys everything good about vampires. Besides, everyone looks lame anyway. "Look at me! I'm pale, moody and look like I should be in a Abercrombie ad. But don't I look good doing my Blue Steel face?!" 

And it's never going to go away. 3 more fucking movies! Ugh...

If it was a just world, Buffy would be in the last book, fucking up Edward and all his model bitches and causing massive, disturbing bloodshed. Oh to dream...

The best food for Recession

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this recession. In the true nature of Slapping Bitches Production, there are quite a few number of bitches I would like to slap for this whole economic crisis. Including both democrats and republicans for being dumbasses (but republicans more.)

But two people I don't want to slap are Ben and Jerry.

Probably the best fucking thing to enjoy during a recession is ice cream. I mean, fuck, can you think of any other food that will make you happier? Times are tough, and I need something to enjoy in life.

I don't even care about the fat in it either. It's a recession, I know that I won't be getting the best guys out there right now, so I can look fat and ugly for a while. When the economy bounces back I'll make sure to do my part and spend money at the gym. But for now my boyfriend's $7.78 goes to a one gallon bucket of cookies-n-cream semen of the gods.

By the way the answer was 1,750 quarts. That's how many quarts of ice cream were on Titanic's maiden voayge. Rich-ass mother-fuckers knew how to drown.

Resident Evil 5: Racism and You!

So I'm not the biggest gamer. I have a system, but I don't play it much. When I do, I want an AMAZING FUCKING EXPERIENCE! So when I played (and beat) Resident Evil 5 in basically a day, I knew that I had been a part of an epic adventure. But the lingering feeling you get when you think about the game is like being an addict and you're tweaking in a sewer hoping to suck a dick for a crack rock. It's that fucking good!

It's the ultimate bitch slapping game. You run around with a friend, shooting bitches with some awesome guns, stomping on faces and beating the living shit out of them. If that's a typical vaca to Africa, sign me up! How many times do you get to Chuck Norris kick a bitch in the face then run up and slit their throats? I know a few bitches I'd like to do that to...
I guess it's important to address the controversy around whether it's a racist game or not, seeing as everyone is doing it (Peer Pressure!).  If you're the type of person who believes that it's racist, then  maybe you should look at yourself in the mirror and understand that you're a racist bastard muthafucker! The game takes place in Africa, who the fuck do you think I'd be shooting? White people? Shit... We kill white people all the time in games. Everyone has sand in their vaginas talking about this game. "Oh, you go to Africa and kill black people. How insensitive." Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!

I'm a black man and not once while playing the game did I feel I needed to bitch about killing black people. Zombies are zombies... I wanted to stay the fuck alive! Ok, I will admit, playing as a white guy who shoots some African villagers and basically loots their areas for gold in order to upgrade my weapons to better kill more black people is a little questionable. But that's what the game is all about. Resident Evil 4 did the same fucking thing in Spain. THE SAME FUCKING THING! And no one said shit about that. No one gave a fuck. We play games where we go to South America, Asia, and Europe and kill all their locals. Hell, America is a a huge target for killing bitches but we never say a damn thing. But the minute we go to Africa, we're quick to pull the racist card. 

If you're so sick in the head that all you can concentrate on is the color of the skin, then you have the problem. Go to therapy. Go give some reparations. In fact, go make a black friend. Play some games with them. I guarantee you they won't have any qualms about killing bitches in video games. Go kill some white people. That's safe, and definitely not racist. 

Did I mention that your partner throughout the ENTIRE game is black. Not just black, African. Yes, your partner is on a mission to save her homeland by stopping the people who caused this.  If that means she has to kill a whole bunch of infected people who are trying to kill her and just happen to be African, so be it. Also, there are not only black people in the game. I've killed a whole bunch of whiteys and there are so many guys who look like Saddam Hussein. Who doesn't like fucking up Saddam? If you say "I don't", then you're also un-American. Get ready to be put on the "Do Not Fly" list.
You see that bitch right there (look up). He's about to fuck up my world and rip my face off. If you say you're just going to walk away and not blow his brains out, then you deserve to fucking die. Go kill yourself.

Did I mention that it's a kickass game?

LAST FOUR DAYS!

Okay, it's time I shared something that is part of daily life here in Florida. There's a chain of appliance stores called Appliance Direct, and I was actually in one today. They pride themselves in having discount prices on appliances because they either sell them without the hassle of a salesman, or they're scratch and dented, but brand new with warranty. If you are from around here, you've probably figure out who I'm talking about.

They have many commercials on TV and on the radio. Especially the fucking radio. I can't listen to live 105.1 anymore because they are sucking the dick of Appliance Direct. A few weeks back around the last days of February I was outside doing some garden work with my boyfriend and one of our roommates. We took the radio outside and tuned in to listen to our favorite station. What did we here?

"Hello!" The words of Sam, the Asian who is wakkie-nu-nu for "apiances!" We heard him SIX TIMES. SIX FUCKING TIMES. Fuck appliances. I'm all for functionality of a kitchen in times of a recession, whatever the fuck that is, but no. This is enough. Fuck them all.

Not Sam, however. He's the fucking man. I'd suck his white porcelain lined washing machines for him. Man's got a fucking dick on him probably, for an Asian. It's the cunt (excuse me, get over it) of a wife of his. We don't know her name but my boyfriend calls her the pig lady.

For some reason I see her as the dumb bitch in Titanic whose grandmother is the old lady. She doesn't know shit, she just does what she is told. Same gets some handcuffs and a leash and tells his bitch to get customers. Bitch does what she is told, she can suck his dick tonight.

I have no respect for that annoying bitch. Am I sexist? Fuck no, I'm a faggot. Take a look at this video that I'm posting with this and you can get the idea how annoying this shit is. The mother-fucking truck in the video I saw today and I want to take a dump on it screaming "I AM the man!"

Deep Down Inside You Wanted Me Dead

So I'm driving back to South Florida from Orlando and it's raining like crazy on I-95. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to die.

Then I get a text from a friend which states "Please tell me youre at least stuck in shittty weather and traffic." For a second, let's ignore the grammatical errors and analyze the situation:

This "friend" knows I'm driving back down today. Also this "friend" knows my car has NO A/C, which in Florida during a crazy rainstorm is a death wish.  I'm concentrating so hard on being able to see through the foggy windows, I'm not even focused on not hitting something. Which is a bad thing.

So the bitch sends me a text message... If you really think I'm caught in terrible weather with no A/C, do you really want me to respond to your text message? You REALLY want me to die. I love you too.

Once I get off the highway, I look back at the text and realize that she had HOPED that I was stuck in the shitty weather. You bitch! So I call her up and let her know that I want to slap her for wanting me dead. She realized everything and decided that was a big mistake and she meant to put a "NOT" in the text. Then we laugh it off...

But I'm not an idiot. I see you bitch. I certainly won't be letting my guard down when I'm around you. Oh, and we're probably going to hang out tomorrow. 

Welcome to the SBP Handbook!

Here at Slapping Bitches Productions (Yes, we really are Slapping Bitches Productions), we want to change the world.  But since we're in a Recession, we settled for a blog.

This blog is basically a handbook to life according to SBP. Since I keep throwing the name around, I should explain who we are. My Name is Nick, and along with my two best friends Ayesha and Matt, would like to help you gain the strength to slap that bitch we all know and most times hate... life.

We are all film school graduates who probably should have done something else with our lives. Ayesha is the most fashionable person ever, I'm a writer and Matt... well he loves the Titanic. See! We should have gone to Fashion/Writing/Titanic School instead. 

We're very diverse so we'll write about everything. When I say everything, chances are I mean EVERYTHING! (Matt LOVES the Titanic) Everything from reality television to that annoying bitch that we all have to deal with because he's best friend's with one of your friends so you have to be polite (I fucking hate that guy! Let's kill him).

Music, Movies, Television, Video Games, Books, Fashion, and Gadgets will all be the norm but expect random musings about all the crazy, annoying B.S. that happens in life. That's always fun. It will all be here at some point, so you're bound to find something just for you (Did I mention that Titanic shit will be on this? Fucking Matt). Oh, and I love cursing...

I should warn you, we hate ugly things. Ugly clothes, ugly people, ugly babies... we hate them all. So I guarantee you that there will be special posts about just that. And of course, as you can tell by the name, we will be slapping bitches over here. So if you don't enjoy other people bitching about stuff that you're too scared and repressed to bitch about, then you should get off the Internet. That's all it really is. Go outside; enjoy the sunshine and global warming. But if you LOVE people bitching about any and everything, then welcome home!