Friday, March 27, 2009

Twilight and the Age of Bitch Ass Vampires

I'm going to be assassinated after this post. I will miss you all. But honestly, FUCK TWILIGHT!

No movie has done more to de-fang the awesomeness that is vampires than this Laguna Beach wannabe.  

I should tell you that I have NOT watched Twilight. So you ask yourself "Why would you bash something you haven't even seen?" Good question reader. I know myself. I love mushy, stupid girly things that make you cry and believe in the power of love. I'm sure if I watched Twilight, I'd be like all the Twilight fans out there acting like pre-teen bitches, getting all tingly in their vaginas over the mere sight of a Twilight poster. I can't let that happen. Why you ask? Besides the fact that I'm partial to my penis and what little manhood I have left, there's only one other reason: Because this movie takes vampires, arguably one of the most badass creatures ever, and turn them into emo, crybaby pussies.

I don't want to watch a movie about some lame ass bitches that run around DURING THE DAY, drink ANIMAL BLOOD, and want to fall in love. Vampires kill bitches! They run around at night, kicking ass and viciously ripping into whore's necks.

I heard that the two bitches in the movie don't even have sex until the last book. THE LAST FUCKING BOOK. If he was a real vampire, he'd fuck the bitch sideways in the air, bite the shit out of her neck and decide whether or not he likes her enough for another go around or if he wants to let the stupid bitch die. That's how real vampires get shit done!

Oh, and as for the whole "walking around in daylight" thing. I get that they explain some stupid explanation for why they can do that. But how is it when they actually get touched by the light, they dazzle. DAZZLE MUTHAFUCKER! That's the gayest thing I ever heard! They took what is quite possibly the coolest thing about their death, and reduced it to a fucking glitterfest! Vampires bodies can shrivel up, catch on fire as they run around like a fireball of death, or in the coolest cases, BLOW THE FUCK UP! Ashes everywhere! Now that's entertainment.

I have no problem with love stories. I love love stories. And love stories with vampires would be EPIC for me. Infusing vampires with teen issues is nothing new and has been done exceptionally well before (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bitches!). But I refuse to watch something that destroys everything good about vampires. Besides, everyone looks lame anyway. "Look at me! I'm pale, moody and look like I should be in a Abercrombie ad. But don't I look good doing my Blue Steel face?!" 

And it's never going to go away. 3 more fucking movies! Ugh...

If it was a just world, Buffy would be in the last book, fucking up Edward and all his model bitches and causing massive, disturbing bloodshed. Oh to dream...


  1. Ooooh boy... Hahah you know (by even glancing at my blog) I'm a Twi fanatic haha. But I'm actually a huge vampire fan as well. Although these are not "true" vampires, the author, Stephenie Meyer has even admitted that saying she didn't follow any of the rules. She wanted to create her own world with her own creatures. It was all based off of a dream. I was really apprehensive of the story as well, but I found out how the author felt (she apologized for offending any of the vampire-following society). I just enjoy it for what it is: a love story rather than a vampire story :)

  2. This is the 2nd most epic blog I've ever read...your Resident Evil 5: Racism and You gets 1st lol

  3. Nick, after your reading your comment, you inspired me to write. So I wrote a whole post on my blog dedicated to you (in a sense haha). Feel free to go check it out and leave feedback :)