Stop Assuming I Like Madea You Racist!

I was totally pumped when I read about TBS canceling Tyler Perry's House of Payne. That show was on for 127 episodes too long. Too bad in the same breath they're letting him have another show, based off yet another group of his characters. "For Better or Worse" is based off his movie "Why Did I Get Married?" and while those movies had no trace of Madea (I was DEVASTATED!) I highly doubt he'll miss a perfect opportunity to remind everyone it's his property by putting himself in it. It's not like we don't know when it's his movie. He put's "Tyler Perry's" in front of everything he does, as if anyone else would produce those stinking piles of shit he creates in his Bible thumping, agenda powered Jesus factory. You're not fucking Shakespeare! Just because you put your name in front of it doesn't make your stuff classics!

If you couldn't tell, I'm might not be the biggest fan of Tyler Perry.

I'm so fucking sick of dumbass ignorant bitches asking me if I fucking love those Tyler Perry movies! No. I have a brain. I refuse to sit through yet another all black film that only retools the same five story lines while getting cheap laughs from stereotypes and expecting to be taken serious by the general public. You're not producing art while running around in drag, acting like a belligerent negro and simply getting laughs from making white people believe this is the way we do and should act. You look like you're in scenes cut from the movie Norbit.

To be fair, I admire him as a business man. He created an entire empire off his plays and continues to make movies and television that gives him so much exposure. I just wish he could do that without sending black people back 50 years.

I could really get behind him if he stopped doing the same tired storyline. Black woman is wronged by her man. Black woman angry. Black woman SMASH! Oh. I'm sorry. It's Madea who comes in and wrecks everything. But it's ok. The Black woman goes to church, finds herself a man, forgives the man that wronged her and lives happily ever after because she found Jesus again... or for the first time. All that matters is Jesus happens!

And people love to talk about Tyler Perry when they hear I want to make movies. Of course I should want to be Tyler Perry. Look at him running down the street wearing sandbags on his chest. Totally something to aspire to be! And don't get me started on thinking outside the box and being creative!

I mean, he had an amazing opportunity to shut critics (and myself) up with "For Colored Girls." Critically acclaimed play NOT written by him that he was translating to film. He even had an amazing cast of actresses for the lead! And what did he do? Fuck it ALL up by infusing Jesus overtones that didn't need to be there.

It's not all about you Tyler. Seriously. Let it go!

And he loves to call out Hollywood for being racist towards him. Let me let you in on a little secret Tyler. Hollywood doesn't hate your movies because they're racist. They hate them because they're shit. If anything, you're racist! You want to give black actors center stage because, I agree, there are not enough good African American vehicles out there. Emphasis on GOOD. Why don't you try it sometime? Putting a whole bunch of black people in a movie isn't doing any of us a favor when all they do is demean us. But you're supposed to be praised because you put us all in your flicks. I'm sorry. If it was a white director, you'd be all up in arms about it. Any other ethnicity couldn't put out the films you do without being considered insensitive, yet you're getting away with the murder of our culture. I can't believe you got second place at the box office this weekend. $25 million? Really? And you can't afford lessons on how to put out a quality film?

And if you want to call out my boy Spike Lee one more time for holding you back, Imma have to find you myself! Spike Lee and John Singleton... now those are black filmmakers I aspire to be. And it's not like they don't have strong voices about the black community, which often exposes stuff we wouldn't like to share with other. But they have artistic integrity. I know you don't know what that mean Tyler. You are in fact making yet ANOTHER Madea movie!

Or Shonda Rhimes! Creator of Grey's Anatomy, Private Private Practice and producer for a multitude of shows. She's amazing and gets no credit. She writes all her characters without any ethnicity and let the best actor get the parts. That's a novel idea! Instead of resting on the schtick of having an all black cast just so that you know we'll all come flock to your movie, why not just write a movie and let the best actors get the rolls. How about resting on your "talent" for a change? I dare you.

Honestly, I've seen "Diary of a Mad Black Woman." It's actually a good movie. Too bad he's redone it seven times already. I will not deny that his stuff is probably really funny and enjoyable. I would probably like his movies like everyone else does. But I can't promote the idea that black cinema can be boiled down to finding Jesus and jokes based purely on stereotypes.

A good friend of mine always asks me when we're going to have a African American movie classic. Where's our "Godfather"? Where's our "Sunset Boulevard"? Where's our "Casablanca"? I feel like some of my greats can't do it, I have to work really hard to make it happen myself. All I know is that the most successful black director/producer and Forbes "6th Highest Paid Man in Hollywood" can't do it. He's too busy driving cars into fast food joints dressed as an old lady. Anyone else see a problem with that?

I mean, how obnoxious are the ads for his latest movie?


I see this shit everywhere in LA! And the eyes...

...They follow you.

This Exactly How I Feel!

I love this Sun Drop commercial! I never see it anymore but everyone should be required to watch it once a day!

Adventures with White People: Part Deux (Duh)!

I should have learned my lesson. I already did my good deed for the century by hanging out with Navaar and company that one brain numbing excuse for a night of fun. I paid my debt to society, lost a couple of brain cells and my faith in humanity. So why would I possibly go back over there? Was it because Emily was having the time of her life overseas and I needed a buddy? Was I so bored that I really chose to risk the last few IQ points I had desperately saved from my last encounter? Or did I want to just laugh at some stupid people?

I really can’t say. Friendships make you do funny things… like trip and fall into an experience I never thought I’d have.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I really love Navaar and Max. That being said, my friends are idiots. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, please see the first post of Adventures with White People.

Navaar invited me to hang out with him and Max at his house. Both his father and brother were gone for the night so the house was all to ourselves. OH JOY! I sat on the couch and watch Max and Navaar take turns sucking at Metal Gear Solid 3 for about an hour before the night really picked up. As Navaar ran upstairs to get his computer, I was faced with a very awkward issue.

My last encounter with the boys introduced me to the wonderful Rory. And while I could see he was just a useless, self-centered juicehead, I found out that I wasn’t the only one not charmed by him. Apparently Max wasn’t TEAM RORY either, but not for the reason I thought. Max had an issue with the way Rory and Navaar talked to each other. They took the bromance idea to a new level. And while Rory and Navaar confessed their undying love for each other while punching each other in the arm yet longingly looking into each other’s eyes, Max sat in the corner trying to not think about his best friend balls deep in Rory. Or vice versa. Rory seems like he’d be a bitchy little bottom…

While I was excited about having someone on my side, I feared that Max didn’t know that I too secretly wished to be balls deep in Rory. Not in a gay way. Though I am gay and that’s the point of it all. I would just like to put the bitch in his place. Awkward Moment.

All night I debated whether or not to do something with the awkward tension in the air. Max had been my friend for years. Did he really believe I would just jump his bones? Didn’t he know I was into Rory?!?! After sitting in silence for awhile, I finally asked him if he knew I was gay. And just like that, things were fine. Of course he knew I was gay! He’s totally fine with it. He just didn’t like the fact that the last time we hung out Navaar and Rory were playing out the beginning scene of every gay porno ever! Totally understandable.

So what does this have to do with my crazy night? Nothing really. Just wanted to avoid explaining what happened next:

It was interesting that the last time we got together, neither one of them could even approach a woman. Yet Navaar was descending the stairs, with computer in hand and the best idea ever: Let’s find a prostitute on Craigslist for him and Max to double team. He was nice enough to offer finding a man for myself, but I knew that there was a special guy waiting for me across the country. That and I'm too damn sexy to have to pay for some adult fun.

What I thought was a joke became going to the ATM for money, discussing how they were going to trick her into a two for one deal and calling the hoe over. That’s not an insult. It’s her career.

Thirty minutes later, I watched as a nickel was actually let into the house (She was definitely not a dime. Discounted price people!). Of course she didn’t fall for their scheme to get to Eiffel Tower her, and because we feared the wrath of her pimp and he put in ten more dollars than Max, it was Navaar was the lucky trick of the night. It’s really weird to sit downstairs as your friend bangs a hooker in his bedroom. What’s worse is when the bathroom downstairs is occupied, and you have to go to the bathroom next to the sexy time room while you try and take a deuce, forced to listen to the soundtrack of their “lovemaking.”

After the standard amount of time (Good Job Navaar!), she left, I went home and the three of us never spoke of it again….

Oh! And if you plan on having sex with a hooker while your friends are in the house, close the fucking door please! It was so unfortunate that I had to see that and then judge.

Official Rating: Ehhhh…


And yes. The sex was more awkward than that!

My Friends are Better than Yours!

No really they are. I know it sounds like something screamed by some bratty, overweight little monster on the playground but it’s true; I have the best friends ever. Actually I should say I have the best, best friends ever. Over nine of them if I were to guess the number. Each one of them close to my heart; each one of them different and unique (except for Jorin and Josh. Damn Evil Twins!). At the same time, each one just as loyal and trustworthy as the next one. Anyone of them would drop whatever they were doing to help me out. I love them. As I get ready to go back to Florida to see most of them, my heart is filled with joy just at the thought of being on the same coast as them.

A baby could have been conceived since I went across the country and robbed them of my glorious presence. As I’m gearing up for yet another cross-country adventure, I’m finally ready to fill everyone in on my journey across the country (For like the third time. I know. I was slacking!). But the only thing bigger than my trip were the people in my life: the people who made it possible for me to make my dream come true, the people who were waiting to help me start the new chapter in my life, and most importantly, the people who made it so hard for me to leave.

But there is one person, my soul mate Emily, who holds a special place in my heart. As I get ready to make another trip to Florida and the subsequent sequel across the country with my “Hell NAH! I’ll never like that Douche bag” best friend Jorin, I can’t help to think of my short white girl doppelganger that I wish to tenderly duct tape and throw in his trunk.

As we drive across the country and forget to feed her, she’ll pray for a weak spot to let the raindrops in to nourish her… but such hope will never come. She’ll have to drink her own tears. And when just enough days go by, and she’s about to die of dehydration, we’ll open the trunk and remember she’s in there. Then we’ll give her a good life in California (I promise).

Wait. I just got WAY off topic. And how come it got so creepy? Anyways…

Emily is down for anything. Anytime. (Not like that dirty!) She’s just a great friend. Calling her a friend is probably an insult at this point. We’ve been through so much since meeting in high school. Friendships and relationships have come and gone, but we’ve always been there for each other. When I was away at college and my mother was diagnosed with cancer, it was Emily I trusted to take care of the most important person in my life. She’s my everything.

Originally, this post was supposed to be about the spontaneous day trip we took to the Keys together. How we made Key West our bitch: roaming the halls of hotels we didn’t stay at, eating ice cream by the sea, and finding our way into back alley gay porn stores, where you leather is on the menu and they have a personalized jizz rag for everyone. I’m supposed to tell you how that was to be our last big outing before she went to Europe for the summer and how I couldn’t see her off at the airport. That when she touched back in the USA, I would have been halfway across the country. Neither of us would get the decent goodbye our friendship deserved.

But all I can think about are all the crazy things going on her life. And how the daily phone calls aren’t a substitute for getting ice cream and discussing our problems until the streetlights come on. All I want to do is hug her. I’ll be seeing her in less than a month but it’s just so bitter sweet.

An alternate title for this blog was “A Love Letter to Emily.” (LAME!)

Love you Emily. See you soon.

Explanation of Jesus Venn Diagram

Adventures with White People!

White People...

I know them. I love them. I date one. And one night, I got a first hand look at all their crazy.

A while back, I hung out with my old friend and neighbor Navaar. He invited me over for a barbeque one night and while I was not enthused about the idea of hanging out with him and his mystery friends, but I had to. I am black... Who the fuck am I to turn down free food?

I went over to his place to find out that he was having people over without his father's knowledge while he was supposed to be watching his 10 year old little brother. In fact, his father had no idea he was having a barbeque and using his extremely expensive grill to do so. So as I watched as his little brother play unsupervised with the bonfire that was feet away from setting the house ablaze, I should have looked at the red flags popping up and walked home... but I wanted my free food damn it!

Hours later, we're sitting on the back porch as the upstanding and not at all terrible excuse for a human being, Rory teaches Navaar's little brother how to play poker. I would be fine with this except for the fact the the 30 year old was actively trying to cheat this kid out of his birthday money.

I learned lot from my Rory encounter. Not only was he Navaar's trainer, he also turned out to be a total douchebag. I got to hear all about his life and how he loves his girlfriend and hates his wife. Yes, this awesome guy gets to have two lucky ladies! He gets pleasure out of telling his wife that he's cheating and openly reminds her how he doesn't give two shits about her. I watched as he texted his girlfriend he loved her and picked up his phone to scream at his wife that he wants her dead. But it's ok though; he only married his wife because he wanted to use her for her money and sex until he got back on his feet... Wait... WHAT?

After all this, you would think I would just finish my juicy steak and go home right? No. Because I'm a stupid bitch! *Flips scarf over shoulder*

A half an hour later, I'm in the car with Navaar and our friend Max driving to Hooters because the boys wanted to get a close up look at the things they're not allowed to touch. Seeing as I don't spend much time at the classy establishment, I had no idea that they closed before 11:30 so driving around the parking lot at midnight was really fun for me. As they decided to go to the Hard Rock because now they had a gay friend to help them get with women, I learned something that I never thought to ask before I got into the car...

(Ask ANY question about the car)

It wasn't Navaar's car. Ok... it's Rory's car that he lent him. That's cool. There was no reason to worry, right? When the car has no insurance, expired tags and is a couple of miles from completely falling a part, you realize this is around the time that you should reflect on the mistakes that took you to jail. Oh! And Navaar didn't have a license. Time to figure out who is going to help me post bail.

The night went on for one more embarrassing hour of getting no play at the Hard Rock and ended with us going to our respective homes without even talking to someone of the opposite sex. You would think that after all that, I would conclude my study, record my results and never talk to those idiots again...

Unfortunately, these guys are my friends and thusly, have helped spawn a sequel.

COMING SOON...

ADVENTURES WITH WHITE PEOPLE: PART DEUX (DUH)!

Lucky Unicorn

I do believe that unicorns are real. They're just extinct...

*Barry White Voice*

... from us loving them too hard.

All the Things I Learned at My First Internship

I am what I like to call a professional intern. I'm not doing an internship that was through a school. I'm not interning for a six month period to put on my resume. I'm working open-ended for an undetermined amount of time for free. Yes. I am aware of how completely stupid this sounds and normally I would make fun of someone who is quite obviously a sucker who will be working without pay for the rest of their life. Rest assured, I won't be living out of a cardboard box any time soon...

I'm working at DeFranco Inc. This is the company of the very popular YouTuber Philip DeFranco. Every week I get to work behind the scenes of the many popular online shows they've created: the Philip DeFranco Show, Black Box TV, Like Totally Awesome (LTA), The Vloggity and Cute Win Fail (CWF). I'm learning a lot and seeing how they're building the brand and expanding the company. I'm on the ground floor of something really awesome and I'm so lucky to be a part of it. It really is the highlight of my week.

My internship is so awesome... and I almost didn't take it. Not just because I thought it might have been a prank, seeing as I found out about it from Twitter (yes, I'm finally getting the whole Twitter thing). I had a terrible experience about two months before I accepted my position at DeFranco Inc...

...at my first internship.... BUM BUM BUUUMMM!!!!

*Cue Lightning Flashes, wolf howl and crying children*

My first internship was back in Florida, about a month before I was to move to California. I should have known nothing good can come from Florida, especially something free.

I took a position as a writing intern at a production company that did two nationally televised shows. Sounds like a good idea right? They didn't tell me that the writing intern would be in the marketing department. That in itself isn't so bad, but after weeks of spending my days putting decals on walls, editing hours of footage on paper only for the editor to not receive my paper, researching social media events and trying figuring out the very flawed intranet, I realized this was probably not a good fit for me. I know that doing bitch work is the natural state of the intern, but when I found out that my ultimate goal in my internship was learning how to writing press releases, I knew that I was just wasting my time. I wrote press releases when I was a sophomore in high school. There was no way I was going to get shit on everyday only to "learn" how to do something that I can do in my sleep. Among all of the time wasted there, I did learn one thing...

One day when I was on my lunch break, I was treated to a real show. I was sitting in the parking lot eating my sandwich when I saw a white SUV rocking back and forth. At first I thought it was in my head, but upon further inspection, I saw that the SUV not six feet away from me was indeed sex rocking. I was going to move, but the last thing I wanted was for one of them to see me running away in the middle of having their midday snack. That's just rude. So that's when I stopped listening to my music and started listening to the natural ambience around me: the birds chirping, the wind blowing through the trees and the unmistakable sound of slurping that come from blowing something else. Maybe they really shouldn't have cracked the window...

When the rocking stopped, I decided to get up and throw my food away in the trash can across the parking lot. I didn't want to add to the awkwardness by being an arm length away when they come out of their traveling love den. Of course I had to see who had been my entertainment for the afternoon. A young blonde women plopped out of the vehicle. I remember seeing her a couple of days before working in the office next to mine with her boyfriend. Knowing this information, the situation became that much more awkward. While she had to take a leap of faith out of the vehicle, the NBA sized black man who I had never seen before stepped out of the SUV like it was a clown car.

That day, I learned that you can cheat on your significant when you work with them. Just make sure it's in the parking lot.

I watched her walk into the lobby, looking as if she had spent a weekend at sea with the Minnesota Vikings. As her boyfriend kissed her, I wondered if he was that oblivious, or if he was just used to the taste of dick in his mouth.

Writing Fail... AGAIN!

Wow. It's 2011. Time flies by fast. We're actually halfway through the first month of the New Year. I wish I could say much has changed in my life but it's still the same old same old. I'm still an intern at a company no one knows on the East Coast and still work at Starbucks.

Wait... I'm an intern for one of the biggest YouTubers, Philip DeFranco! Ok, that's a a bit of a change but I still work at Starbucks... in California where celebrities come in all the time!

Ok, I'm a liar. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! For the last five months I've been living in Hollywood, California, trying to make it as a writer and moving a mile a minute experiencing the west coast lifestyle.

But that's not why I am I liar (well not the only reason I'm a liar). I made a point to try and recommit myself to blogging last year, and that lasted all of two months (maybe?). I had so much to write about but too much going on in my life to make myself focus for a minute and write it all down.

I've noticed that regularly blogging helps me as a writer to start working on the projects that I actually I need to do. And seeing as I've been out here for almost five months and this is the most I've written, I realized that this blog is more important to me (and my process) than I thought.

So it's time for me to catch you up on the time jump that has been my life. From my cross country road trip to my first celebrity event... It's time for me to bring you on my journey from Hollyhood to Hollywood.

Can I just take my store with me?

With only 2 weeks before I move, I was thinking about how much I'm going to miss working at the store and with all my friends. I started to go through random pictures on my phone and I realized everything I'll be missing moving to Cali...

Cute pink buses for no reason.

Being tagged in our bathroom as if we're in Compton when we all know we're in uppity Downtown Fort Lauderdale.


Coworkers who randomly stand on tables and have celebrity couple names just because.

Heather (Heddy)+ Raissa = Reddy.
Heather + Chris = Cheddy
Heather + Jorin = Jeddy
Heather + Nick = Neddy

...Or maybe we all just have celebrity couple names with the same person.

And the guy who runs around Downtown in short shorts and a tray of wine.

No one knows why he does it. He just does.


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Ninja Raccoon

I feel like a common theme throughout this blog might become the difference between white and black people. Not because I’m racist. It’s just so damn funny.

Like when I watch the Bernie Mac show with my best friend’s boyfriend Jorin. He always looks at Vanessa and I wondering if this is all some big joke. I don't think he understands that black families are actually like that. He’s lived the quintessential white family life; full of stern conversation instead of getting whooped, civil divorcees, and birthday weeks...

WTF is a Birthday Week?!?!

Prime example: One day at work, Jorin and I were taking a tandem break sitting under a palm tree in the parking lot. As we were talking, I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye up in the tree. I didn’t get a good look at it but I was already on Terror Alert Red. Jorin continued to talk obliviously as I slowly got up to make sure I wasn’t about to die. I’ve seen all the movies and I knew I was the only black guy around.

I actually thought it was a monkey. Why monkey? It was big and in a tree. I have no real good explanation for that one.

Then I saw it… a raccoon staring right back at me in the middle of the day about to pounce from the tree above me.

Jorin looked up and said “There’s a raccoon.” At that moment, he had to look around to see where I went. Of course I had ran for my life a good 10 seconds before he even looked up to see the furry ninja.


We both found it really funny that my first instinct was to flee and his was to look danger in the face and talk about it.

So why am I the first to die again?

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I Scream for the Ice Cream I’m about to Steal

I’m a good person. I have to convince myself of that everyday, but I know deep down in that cold heart of mine lies some sense of decency.

That being said, I have created my master plan to extract goods from the ice cream truck that lives in my neighborhood.

Yes. I said it. There’s an ice cream truck that’s always parked two steps away from my front door.


I already have an Ocean’s 11 plan to steal the ice cream, but I’m starting to think that I should just Inception the guy so he’ll give me the truck….


BOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(For those of you who are late to the party, that was the Inception noise)

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Step Up to Domestic Violence

It seems that two things that have been bothering me about movies have finally come together to make a Hell baby bent on destroying the movie going experience as we know it…

“Step Up 3D” which is the same tired dancing movie that has been plaguing theaters for the last couple of years, now features the gimmick that needs to die: 3D.

The trailers looks stupid and I’ve never had the urge to have someone do windmills in my face while trying to enjoy my soda, but that’s not what bugs me…

Have you seen the posters for this movie?


Doesn’t it look like that guy is in the middle of beating the living shit out of that girl?

When I saw this poster in the mall, I didn’t think of dancing or 3D. After staring at it for a while, I kinda got excited. They were finally going to change this played out genre. Instead of just whining about whatever dancing cliché they put the impossibly beautiful dancers in and having it all end with a big dance off, they are finally going to do what normal people do when shit hits the fan… FUCKING THUNDERDOME BITCH!

Oh wait…

They’re not fighting? It’s just bad marketing like they’ve done for the commercials of the movie? So she’s not getting her revenge in this picture?


Well that's unfortunate...

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A Public Case of Severe Itis

A couple of months ago, my friends went to go get some fast food. Upon entering the establishment, I caught the most amazing sight:



I don’t think much needs to be said about this. It’s just so damn classy…

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Es-Cap-E!!!

There are a lot of crazy stories that come out of my job...


A lady came up to me asking if it was normal to have people laying in the middle of our parking lot.

I was going to ask her what world does she live in that people laying in middle of the road can be considered normal... But I'm not allowed to be a bitch at work.

I pretended to marvel at her story of almost running over his head, thinking she was just another one of the crazies who come into my store.

Five minutes later, my coworker ran in, freaking out about a man who apparently jumped out of an ambulance and is evading capture. Come to find out, it was the same guy.

Lady, I apologize for thinking you were a stupid bitch (but considering everyone who comes in, you most likely are anyway).

So when I saw the escapee outside of my store, I did what any concerned citizen would do... I took a picture.

SBP Mobile - Slapping Bitches on the Go

One reason I'll miss driving in Florida

People auditioning for live action Twisted Metal.


Yes, that is indeed a chainsaw attached to a car driving on the road. Damn I feel safe.


SBP Mobile - Slapping Bitches on the Go

I'm fucking crazy so that's why I haven't been blogging and I know it's not an excuse but I thought I should share and now I'm just typing to see how

...long I can make my title.

Damn that was a lot. Well, at least it's not as long as this post is going to be.

So I've been crazy busy... and busy being crazy. People have been yelling at me because I haven't been posting anything and I keep saying I would do it. Doing it another day becomes another week, then another month and now look! It's halfway through 2010 and I've only done 3 posts. Aint that some shit!

I want to say I've been slacking because I've been busy at work... and getting an internship... and quitting said internship... and getting ready for the biggest move of my life...

But that's some bullshit. So let me level with you:

One thing that's been freeing about blogging is it's ability to let me express myself with no restraints. I just talk about my life; what happens, what I like, mostly what I hate, but nothing is off limits. Until a year ago...

I've been shying away from details of my personal life and as the past year has gone by, it's been consuming more and more of my thoughts and actions. And if I'm not talking about it, what the fuck am I supposed to talk about? I really didn't want to bring up what's been going on for many reasons. I'm a private person and any intimate details about my life or emotions I keep to myself. And what's been going on has been so special and fulfilling that I wanted to protect it. I've never had someone so amazing come in and turn my life upside down. I've grown so much as a person this past year and I know it's all because I'm finally opening up and taking a chance on love. (Trust me, I know you want to barf. I'm not used to talking/feeling/acting this way so every time I say anything cute or romantic, I cringe and wish to punch a puppy).

That being said, I should at least share with you some things I've been going through so I can finally get it out of my system and write some fun shit. Oh! And because I'm way too private, I'm going to be very vague about some stuff to protect the people involved and blah blah blah.

Disclaimer: if you're the kind of person who hates when people use "they and them" instead of "him and her," stop reading now. You're just going to have explosive diarrhea of the brain from all the atrocious pronoun usage I might end up using.

Oh and no more of this love dovey talk...

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK THIS SHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck am I doing?!?!??!?!?

I need a roadmap through relationships. I've been dealing with this "we're sorta kinda in a relationship" thing for almost a year now, and I have no idea what I'm doing! Not a clue. They say that every relationship is unique and there's no right or wrong way to do it, but I definitely think I'm doing it wrong.

I suck. It's just that simple. I don't call them. I don't text them. I suck.

And it's not because I don't want to. All I want to do is talk to them. I've decided it's because I'm fucking crazy. I over think everything and I'm way too courteous. I'm courteous to a fault actually. I don't call them because I'm always afraid they're doing something, so I don't want to interrupt their life. So I don't call. And when I do call... ok I don't want to get into that. It's a whole bunch of psyching myself up and hoping they don't pick up because I'm so nervous I'm on the verge of throwing up. Does it even seem like we've been talking for a year now?

Oh! Did I mention this is a long distance thing? Yeah, that's a HUGE factor.

And I don't know why I'm driving myself crazy over this. When we talk, it's wonderful. Just hearing their voice for a minute makes everything that's been going wrong with my life go away. And when we're together, it's just so easy. I don't have to be anyone other than myself, and there's no "let's go crazy with cute adorable love shit" like some people we both know and want to punch in the face (Love you guys!). We're just, I don't know, together. It's perfect.

I know what my problem is: I'm a control freak. I think it's killing me that I've finally come across a situation I can't control. I just need to accept that. It's just really hard. And this whole "gray area" in our relationship coupled with the distance, multiplied by my all consuming imagination makes me just a little bit off my rocker. And unfortunately, the ones close to me have had to deal with all my crazy mindfucking I've been doing to myself. If I keep this up, I'm pretty sure they're gonna take me out back like Old Yeller.

In less than a month, I'll be moving to the same town that they're in. I've never been so excited in my life. But with that excitement comes the equal amount of concern I have for the future of our relationship. I've also found myself in a weird best friends and roommates dating each other situation, which I've never liked. There are way too many movies/sitcoms over the years that have been based on how bad this situation can become. I just feel like we're all just way in too deep in each other's shit, so if things go south... let's not even think like that.

It actually felt really good to write all that out. Maybe I can finally get back to all 30 of my projects that I've yet to write because I've been driving myself crazy over all this.

I have a terrible feeling that one day they're going to read this and finally realize how truly insane I am. That might be a problem. Too bad I know I'm going to post it anyway.

Fuck...

BLOOD! (now with calcium)

Orange Juice for Vampires.


It goes down smooth and gives you your daily dose of vitamin C...

And hemoglobin.

SBP Mobile - Slapping Bitches on the Go

2010! We're Back Bitches!

It's 2010 BITCHES!

I know I fell off from keeping this thing up (twice), but I'm back with a vengeance!

This is why there was a sudden surge of Scotland blogs from 6 months ago. I felt like I needed to post everything I had left on my computer so that I can start anew with you guys. Besides, I promised that I would put those up, and I always come through with my promises...

... even if it's 6 months late. Let's just say for 6 months "I didn't know I was (blogging) pregnant" and yesterday I just shit out my dead baby fetus and I had to hide the body but now I'm ready to slut it up again... What? I just blacked out there! lol.

Well I got my swag back and I'm ready to tackle the new year. I have some big things planned and I'm ready to change the world (and I hope to bring you along for the ride). I've decided that 2010 is my year and I'm going to go BIG (because I don't go home!). The 3 R's baby: I'm refreshed, refocused and ready to take things to the next level!

A lot has happened since last I updated about my life. While I won't say EVERYTHING in hopes to protect people in my personal life (since when do I keep secrets), there's still more than enough juicy topics and bitches to slap to sustain you.

While I can't promise to write everyday, I promise not to leave you guys hanging like that again. And I won't be the only one changing things up. Matt's back and ready to write it up and Ayesha told me yesterday that she wants to write more (hopefully we can use peer pressure to make her come back on here more). In any case, we're all back and ready to slap up some bitches!

Scotland Blog #13- Dragging my feet back to the US.

So the weather is lovely this morning as we catch a bus back to the airport. I think my mom and I were on the verge of tears leaving this place.

I really didn't want to leave, and I also didn't want to fucking go back to Jersey for my connecting flight.

I know I'm harsh on Jersey, but Jersey never did a nice thing for me ever.

Case in point:

When we're flying back to Florida from Jersey, what terrible thing can possibly happen? Lightning strikes the plane. But not only to it hit us... all the lights turned off, we had a huge dip, it looked like the lightning CAME INTO THE PLANE, and we had scorch marks on our wing.

I rest my case. Jersey is officially on the permanent "Must Bitch Slap List." It will stay on the list for the foreseeable future. Congrats Jersey for being such a fucking asshole that you are the first to be registered on the permanent list; or that you sucked so much that I had to create that list!