I wish there were still Milkmen

My friend Danny showed me this the other day and while we should have been talking about how funny/cute the clip was, we quickly got into a discussion about who was hotter: the Milkman or the Mailman (Team Milkman over here!). Anyway, I thought I'd share. Life would be so much more enjoyable if this happened everyday...

So I've been gone for a while...

My bad. For the last couple of months, I've been going through a bit of a "Life Fail." Going to LA, not going to LA, Friends FAIL, Family FAIL, Car FAIL, Money FAIL, Technology FAIL, health scares, identity crisis, relationship stupidity (on my part)... you name it, it happened.

The sky opened up and took a huge shit on me (Thanks God), so I really didn't feel the urge to blog about it. Well it's time to play catch up...

I need to get back to form: sharing with you random, funny moments in my life, videos that make me smile and stories about people who truly need a bitch slap! Over the next few days, I will be trying to catch you all up, as well as share the blogs I wrote while in Scotland (I was WAY too happy over there, so there isn't a lot of slapping that needs to happen).

I'll try not to slack off in the future... Oh it feels good to be back!

The Right Thing

Feeling really annoyed, frustrated, and so ready to just give up. Unfortunately for defeat I'm too stubborn to give up. I can see what I want and the steps that need to be taken to get to what I am trying to accomplish. Not gonna make this long but if your feeling the same way, just know you're not alone feeling this way. If the door won't open I say kick that bitch down. Defeat you have been slapped. TOODLES!!!

WoW

World of Warcraft. Bitches love it. If you stop playing it, you'll kill yourself. And you'll lose your clothes in record time. 'Nuff Said.

PSA People (parental discretion advised)

CONTRACEPTION IS YOUR FRIEND!!!

Believe it or not contraception is your best friend. Now there are a few: some long term, some short term, some for men and some for women. Now wasn’t that so nice of contraception to be available for everyone? So I ask you reader where is your contraception? I know where my mine is. It’s like my visa never leave home without it. If we must, we can take an intermission ladies. If you forgot your contraception, lets pop that little friendly pill while I address the guys.

Now guys I understand it may feel better without your contraception. But what won’t feel or look good is when your penis is constantly on fire and your scrotum (that word makes me chuckle) has warts on them the size of an orange. There is probably more STD’s than girls you would ever sleep with, so why chance it?

Now this one is a toss up, cause it’s equally scary for both men and women. It’s called HIV/AIDS. Yeah the shit that fucks up your immune system and eventually kills you (unless you're Magic Johnson). Not something you should want to chance. So here’s contraception to the rescue to lessen your chances and you turn your back on it. That’s just wrong. And contraception came to me, holding back tears… Contraception just wanted me to tell you that you’re a dumb ass.

Seriously I know I don’t want any kids anytime soon. I sure as hell don’t want any STD’s, HIV/ AIDS… nope none of that sounds too delightful to me. So if you're on the same page then contraception will be your BFF. No slaps today cause I want to make sure you're in the right state of mind when you go: buy that pack of condoms, go get your prescription for birth control, go get your shot or even a vasectomy (guys), tube tied for the ladies. Along with this PSA, going to get tested is also a smart idea. I’m outta here for now, but be safe or I will slap you.

Lazy Asses & Riding Coat tails

I’m sick of you lazy ass people not doing anything with your life. Like getting real, getting some ambition, hopes, dreams, and goals and accomplishing something with your life. I’ve heard a million excuses from various people and really its not that serious. Sitting at home all day everyday not doing shit is really sad. No, not just because you left the house to go do groceries or get an oil change did you make any significant change.

Maybe a job is not in the cards cause of our sucky ass economy but there is more to do. School, online school, a hobby… Just frigging do something to better your life. In case you didn’t realize your age is not going backwards like Benjamin Button so people go start honing some skill or update your resume. Just stop being a waste of natural resources. You deserve more than a slap, today you get a special punch in the mouth. If I offended you then I’m NOT SORRY…. Poof now go have a life!

Another issue I need to address is another kind of lazy. Mofo's that like to ride your coat tails. Now that shit is just unacceptable. If you took the time to decide that you're going to do something with your life, then take an extra step and stop waiting for others to make your situation better. Like wtf people get serious!! I suggest if you do want to ride someone's coat tails then stay the f__ away from me cause I will turn around and back hand the shit out of you. Damn my blog was more like a rant. Too much negative. So here's my positive...... ummmm.... oh Happy Father's DAY!!!

God/Jesus and or Virtual Villagers/ The Sims

So really random thoughts cross my mind whenever I have too much time. Today just so happens to be one of those days. This blog may offend some as far as religion or faith goes. STOP READING NOW!!!

Okay so now that I gave my little disclaimer it’s time to have the crazies who did not stop reading try to burst down the door and perform an exorcism on me. Well in my moment of thought I asked myself: Ayesha? (which is myself)… Ayesha do you think this whole god thing is a hoax? So I asked a few of my friends if they believed in god and they said yes. But then I thought what if they're just saying yes cause there scared to be struck by lighting (which would be pretty mean of this god anyway).

What if you found out that the Bible and all the stories you grew up hearing where written just to keep you occupied or, a pastor was just a really good motivational speaker and, all that offering money could have bought you those really cute Aldo boots that you wanted for last winter?

If there is a god… I feel like maybe he is just playing a big ass game of Virtual Villagers or The Sims with all of us. On virtual villagers you grab your little people on the island and put them in front of the task you would like them to perform and sometimes they walk away or stay and become masters. How do you know god is not doing that? I would really like someone to tell me what makes their faith so strong? Since I have to slap someone, it would be all the crazies that just take religion too far….. Example: I’m going to blow myself and the rest of you mofo’s up in the name of (my faith) type of people. BYE BITC*ES, don't forget Fathers Day tomorrow.

FUCK

So I forgot Matt's birthday too. The only difference between Ayesha and myself is Ayesha hasn't gotten a chance to speak to Matt since before his birthday. I, on the other hand, have talked to Matt very close to everyday (every other day at least) before and since his birthday.

Normally I would give an excuse, and while mine is a good one in my opinion, there is no excuse for missing his birthday by 2 weeks and never saying Happy Birthday. (Especially after I publicly stated that Matt should be slapped).

Normally I would do some very mushy "Matt is so special to me" line, but instead I will do something that doesn't happen very often...

I have slapped myself four times: Once for missing his birthday, once for talking to him since his birthday, once for being such a bad friend and once ::sigh:: for telling others to slap the shit out of him a few days ago.

I hereby retract that request, seeing as he's already been backhanded by his friend Ken for me (THANKS KEN!). It would be cruel to have the request up and have people still slapping him, no matter how much I wanted that to happen...

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!!!!

I Love You, Man!!! (if you noticed, between me and Ayesha, you're Happy Birthdays are the color of the White Star Line!)

I Made a Ooops

So you know how you forget to tell someone really important thank you or 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT....

Well I was that person. I admit to such treason and hope that Matt will forgive me. Seeeeee... What took place was I meant to tell you but.... (slap myself) no excuses. Happy Birthday Matt!!! 

(even though it was like a week ago). Im sending you a virtual chocolate monkey from Crispers and I hope that somewhere down in your titanic overly obsessed heart you will pretend this whole thing never happened. People learn from this lesson and remember to tell your father Happy Father's Day. TAA DAA Bitches I'm out! 

Bank Bitch Slap (Delayed)

It's not quite a FAIL yet. I'm pushing my all out onslaught on Bank of America back until Monday. I wanted to wait for my secret weapon to be ready.... *insert mad scientist laugh here*

Don't worry. This shit is going down!!!

Bank of America Ass Raped Me!

A lot of people complain to me about Bank of America and their services. To be honest, I've never had a problem with them... until two days ago...

They fucked up something on my account and gave me 5 OVERDRAFT FEES! If you're unaware how much an overdraft fee costs with Buttfucking Steal Your Money America, it's $35 a piece. They charged me $175 in overdraft fees in one day because of $40 of insufficient funds AFTER I fixed the muthafucking problem. I had $29 in my account, and they just took out those fees because they wanted to! (It's more complex than this, so I gave you the cliffnotes).

So what is a disgruntled customer supposed to do? I had a sit down today and decided to call their customer service. I should call it customer DISservice. I couldn't reach anyone. I went through every channel, every automated statement trying to hear the magic words "Talk to a Representative." Nothing. Couldn't find it. But they did remind me how fucked I am with my account and let me know I can hang up at anytime. They couldn't see which finger I was holding up, but I hoped that in their headquarters they could feel it!

So I went online and did something I found completely absurd: I talked to a representative through their online instant messenger application. WTF! Really? How am I supposed to relay the full extent of my hate for them through IM? Should I really use an "Angry Face?"

>:-0

I don't like to because I often use that as my "I'm so pissed you jizzed in my eye! Why do I still have my mouth open for you" face. I would hate to send the wrong message...

After 30 minutes of internet foreplay, she dashed my dreams of ever getting anything good out of it for myself. She simply told me that it wasn't a bank error so she couldn't do anything for me. It is a bank error! I wouldn't be IMing you if it was my fault! I tried to be polite and thank her for her help. That bitch had the audacity to say "the pleasure was all mine." Of course it was! You just ass raped me and got away with it! FUCKING BITCH! (If you IM with a representative name Kirstie, let her know I'm coming to fuck her up!)

Here at SBP, we always talk about who needs a bitch slap; today it's Bank of America. But I want to do something we haven't had the opportunity to do yet: I'm actually going to BITCH SLAP Bank of America tomorrow! If you hear reports of a crazy man bitch slapping employees at a bank, you know it's me. I'll have a conclusion for you guys tomorrow. Wish me luck!

BOOM! HEAD SHOT!

I'm all about slapping bitches, but when i can't, I like to see people get hit with stuff. I know that it says what's going to happen, but the anticipation and the eventual result is just so good!

Christian Bale parody?

So I was looking for a trailer for the new Michael Cera film "Youth in Revolt." While I didn't find it, I did find an interesting clip of Mr. Cera freaking out on set. While I don't believe he can have an aggressive bone in his body, it would concern me if this was real. But my better judgement says that it's just a parody of Christian Bale's Terminator freakout. Even so, no one is laughing. While watching, I want to laugh, but if it's for real, I'd feel like crap. Either way it's entertaining.

Ok, it has to be a joke because while none of the things he says are funny, it just comes off funny because it's the awkward Superbad kid. Good joke Mr. Cera.

Are you in close proximity to Matt?

Then you should slap him. A few days ago I said something to him and he inferred that I was working in pornos. Does he not know me? Would I EVER be in a porno? HELL MUTHAFUCKING NO! It's been in the back of my mind since he said that to me. So please slap the shit outta him, if only so that he can regain his common sense.

The Homeless and the Gym Bunny

So I went to the gym for the first time in awhile today. I always go on the bike first so I sat down and began to peddle away. That was when I saw him; the new face at the gym. And he was FIIIINNE!!!! And for the first time ever I could tell that he was actually gay! It was my first gay sighting at the gym, which should have happened sooner because gays love the gym.

He was wearing a tiny, tight wifebeater that beautifully hugged his hot latino body. And he had a face to die for. Like those really hot guys in those telenovellas that you watch just because he's on it and you can't turn away so you continue to watch it even though the only phrase you know in Spanish is "May I use the bathroom?" (or is that just me? whatever.)

And he had this pair of shorts... ok, let me talk about the shorts for a second. They were a huge distraction. They ended a little above mid-thigh, which with his long dancer's legs, meant they were even shorter than they were supposed to be. And when I said dancer's legs, I meant that the muscles in his thighs alone can crush a watermelon, which made me imagine what it could do to me ;-). And I should point out, I have this crazy thing for legs. I don't know what it is, but a nice pair of calves that leads to a nice pair of thighs which becomes a nice sexy butt... look! At least I'm not some crazy foot guy! But yeah, he was a sight to behold. And in a gym full of straight guys who wear shorts below the knee, I finally got something to stare at!

And stare at it I did. I couldn't help myself. At one point I realized I was peddling so slowly, my machine shut off. That's how mesmerized I was by this hottie. Anyway, I finally finished up on the bike and moved on to my weight exercises. As I walked over, I ran into him again. He was sitting on one of the three machines that I use... right in the middle. This meant I would have to sit next to him; close proximity if I wanted to finish my workout. I ended up circling the gym floor, trying to wait him out so I didn't have to sit by him. Then I realized that I WANT TO SIT BY HIM. I went back over to the machine next to him and sat down, happy to be able to stare at him in the mirror in front of us so he wouldn't catch me looking (anymore).

Then I saw it. Something that I had not seen before. This homeless guy was at the gym, working on the machines. What's more disturbing is that the homeless guy was me! I realized I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. I looked a HOT MESS. My hair and beard were overgrown, looking like someone who forgot what self grooming was. For the first time in history, my face decided to completely breakout. I looked like I smeared pizza grease all over my face. And then I saw what I was wearing: a brown T-shirt, bright blue sweat pants and black skater shoes. I was embarrassed to be out with myself.

I finished my machine workouts in a state of pity and self loathing. I was supposed to go work out on the elliptical, which I decided against seeing as the only one left was the one right next to him.

From now on, I need to do a mirror check before I go to the gym. And just to add how perfect this guy was, when he walked by me, after working out as hard if not harder than me, he smelled delightful. Like a bunch of fucking roses. I on the other hand, smelled like ass.

And I wanted to add something. I felt like a creeper talking so much about his legs but I'm like a sweet Mormon child compared to Matt. He takes pictures of legs he likes on his iPhone. Yet another reason why that phone is unhealthy for him.

I want to be this guy.

While I'm all about smacking a bitch, sometimes you just gotta dance. And what do you do when no one else is partying? Bring the party to them! No matter how long it takes (or how awkwardly executed it is).

Fuck

I broke the tip of my pencil. I seriously need to slap a bitch now...

Dumb A** People Need To Be Slapped

So you know that dumb ass person that is always claiming to help you but you seem to be in a worse position than you were before. I know that dumb ass person and right now I want to slap the fuck out of that _ _ _ _ _ (use your imagination for that word). I have been trying to turn over this new positive leaf and to that I say " FUCK IT".

This particular _ _ _ _ _ is an elder and it's the only thing stopping me from flipping out. But in my mind I really just want to slap her until she swallows her dentures. The dumb ass _ _ _ _ _ is one of those older people that are convinced anyone in their 20's are clueless as to what is going on in the world. Monkey nuts is what I will call her, decided that she wanted to tell me how to write an email. Like what kind of shit is that? Get real!!

If you know a dumb ass like this regardless of sex, age or creed I say just slap them. Slap the bitch HARD and then laugh in their face. It will feel good I promise. Virtually Slapping Money Nuts!

The Gay Apocalypse is upon Us!

Ok. So yesterday was the worst day ever to be a gay man.

The announcement of the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop 8 was met with both cheers and tears. All the same sex couples that got hitched before the passing of Prop 8 are relieved to hear that their marriages are indeed legal, but they still upheld Prop 8. Now that's some bullshit.

If things couldn't get any worse, they announced that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is finally going to become a movie. Sounds like a good thing right? WRONG! Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind the cult television show and critically acclaimed comic series has nothing to do with it. In fact, none of the original cast are even being considered for it. The bitches who made the original piece of shit movie are the ones with the rights. They plan on trying to reboot the franchise in Star Trek fashion. And they are not going off of the TV series (you know, the whole reason people liked Buffy in the first place!), which means that leaves no room for series favorites like Willow, Xander, Spike, Angel, Faith, Giles and Dawn. And what about Buffy herself? They say she might not even be in it! They might go with a new slayer and friends! WTF is that! They want to do a "darker, grittier Buffy reboot." Buffy doesn't need a fucking reboot! The show only ended a few years ago! Season 8 (the comic for those of you who don't have gay friends who go buy it on new comic day) is a HUGE success! Do yourself a favor, call up Whedon so he can just bring everyone back and do this shit right!

You know who I blame this on? Fucking Twilight! Yeah, you knew this was coming. Everyone's vampire crazy now, so why not bring back the biggest name in vampires since Dracula? Fucking Twilight! You're inadvertently raping everything the made growing up good for me! Don't take away my one sacred thing! This is taking a big shit all over Buffy. Just do a movie continuing the series! No one wants to see some stupid Buffy the Vampire movie without Whedon or the cast. Oops I'm sorry! Buffy might not even be in it! I should have said "____ the Vampire Slayer!" AHHHH GAY TANTRUM!

As me and Matt sharpen our stakes and prepare the Scoobies to fuck up some bitches,  I wanted to leave you with this awesome trailer for a documentary called "Outrage." Hey all you anti-gay marriage people! You should check those conservative Republicans that you follow so blindly. Next time you talk to them, check to see if their breath smells like dick. Chances are it does!

My Secret Lover (I Have Issues)

So I have a secret love affair with one of my neighbors... he just doesn't know it yet.

I really don't have a type I guess, but when someone asks my normal answer is: "A guy who can fix my roof/car/sink, who loves watching sports, doesn't think the mall is a fun pastime and doesn't know the difference between a Marc Jacobs dress with Jimmy Choos and a Wal Mart potato sac maternity dress with Crocs." In other words, I basically want a straight guy who just happens to like having sex with men (more specifically me). I guess I have a thing for manly men; like the kind who should be in Brawny commercials. The ones who can barely dress themselves and who always seems to be sweating from doing something active. And that's exactly what my secret lover is like...

I have lived by him coming up on 12 years and I've never even said a word to him. I just drive by his house real slowly and stare without any regard to anyone else on the road. Not stalker like at all. And he's always riding around on his ATV or cleaning off his truck from all the muddin. Yes, my secret lover is SO Redneck! A boat, an ATV, dirt bikes; he has them all. And if he's in the front trying to fix up that broken down truck, don't even talk to me. I want to just sit on the other side of the road with a glass of lemonade, watching as the sun shines down on his shirtless, Adonis body as he takes apart that old junker...

Oh jeez! I have a thing for the redneck guys! Come to think of it, every time I flip through the channels and accidentally stop on CMT, I'm usually greeted by some really hot cowboy singing that I want to make my boyfriend. But who can blame me? They can be so hot. I just need to find the right one. You know, the one without the Confederate Flag, the everlasting love for Jesus and that burning desire to place a burning cross on my lawn. It can't be that hard can it?


The car he actually drives is the called SIN WAGON! I would like a ride in the Sin Wagon. I'd introduce him to sins he's never even heard of before :)

Sticking to the "Nick has Man Issues" theme, I'd like to briefly discuss something that I'm quite embarrassed of. I was watching THS Investigates Prison Love, and I was wondering how these women/men can be crazy enough to get involved with these prisoners. Then I saw a website called WriteaPrisoner.com. Just being bored and curious I went on to check it out. Did you know that there are some hot ass niggas in prison? I mean, places filled with hot, desperate men and I'm NOT there!  Now that's a crime within itself! I've always joked about how I'm desperate enough for a boyfriend, that I'd go to prison, but DAMN! It's looking like a possibility.

And now I know how those people on the special can be so crazy. Because I am. I'm not stupid though. Trying to date someone who's in prison/getting out is so crazy and I would never do that. Or would I? I mean, I'm not going to try and go for a murderer, rapist or child molester. That's sick! But what's so wrong with aggravated robbery? In this economy, I'd steal everything I could get my hands on if I was good at it (and believe me, I am). But I have a conscience so that wouldn't happen either.

But I did see this fine ass muthafucker who only did a little robbery. He's reformed, got his edjumacation and did I mention that he's FINE??? And he gets out very soon. To send him a message or not? Oh I really have issues...