Thursday, April 2, 2009

Food Just Got Sexier

It's Official: food now wants to have sex with us. I'm not sure if I really oppose the idea right now. It would make quite the delicious one night stand. You can't tell me that a cannoli isn't asking for you to just stick it in? And I see how some of you guys look at those tacos...

Ok, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I point this out is because every time I watch a food commercial lately, it leaves me wanting... but I'm certainly not hungry if you get what I'm saying. Two such commercials are the new Milky Way and Quiznos commercials.

I have to say, the Milky Way one doesn't really do it for me. Yeah, the Milky Way is talking very sensual and trying to be very discrete, but I want a candy bar that's forceful. It has to let me know what it wants me to do with it. I'm not trying to have an affair with a Whatchamacallit here! I don't want more caramel in every bite! I want you to give me the Milky Way all over my face bitch! (That was for Matt)

Now the Quiznos commercial for their new Torpedo; now that's a sandwich I can hang with. That toaster... yeah, he's a G. From the get go, no playing around. He gets right up in there and let's that guy know what he wants him to do to him. And he makes that sandwich maker his bitch! And once you hear the babymaking music start up, you know it's over. And did you see how they slide that sandwich into the wrapper? The Torpedo wants to do you.

And for a while, all I wanted was a torpedo in my mouth. Yeah, I said it. TORPEDO IN MY MOUTH! And I wasn't the only one thinking it! My friend Emily and I would often comment about how good those torpedoes looked. Eventually, we were craving them every night!

Today I treated Emily on her lunch break to a torpedo. We both took part in the torpedo experience. She had a torpedo, I had a torpedo... this is starting to sound like a really dirty film.
And I gotta tell you, I loved having over a foot long of torpedo in my mouth. I'm a dirty boy.

OK, so the winner is definitely Quiznos torpedo. I mean, once I'm done with the 3-4 inches of Milky Way, I'd be a little disappointed. Maybe even laugh about it with some of my friends. But the torpedo... yeah, that thing can deliver for a LOOOONNNG time.

Here are the commercials, you be the judge.


  1. Never saw either of those commercials until now. I wonder if kids get what these commercials are saying. It was like when the Titanic came out and everyone got to see Kate Winslet naked and parents were freaking out that it was PG-13 and not R. I bet pretty soon parents are going to be freaking out about commercials and then I'll yell back, "Why is your 5 year old staying up at 1:30 in the morning watching this shit?!"

    I don't even know what I'm saying hahah

  2. Oh the word I just had to type to post my reply was: buttkric. Fabulous. I have to type "butt crack" to post a comment here.

  3. I get a woody every time that oven tells him "sexier."

    And Heather's my girl for mentioning Titanic in a comment.