WTF is Organized Living?

So bitches LOVE Clean House. And apparently the store Organized Living is featured on the show. I found that out the hard way...

"OMG! There's an Organized Living! AHHHHH! We have to go in there! AND everything is 50 to 70 percent off?!?!?! Hell yeah we're going in! AHHHHH!!!!"

This is the scene in the car as my friend Emily spots the store. She obviously let me know how "awesome" it was. I didn't sound excited. She even let me know we didn't have to go in at all. But the moment I said we can go: "AHHHH!!! I'm so excited!"

I was stuck on an adventure with my friend, who I now realized is a raging crack whore. And her crack is obviously Clean House, Niecy Nash and organization (which you would never get looking at her bedroom).

So we walk into the store and it is completely bare. I saw some hangers and some other random nick knacks, but it looked like someone robbed the place. We left with Emily's hope of having her own "Clean House" experience crushed. So ORGANIZED LIVING FAIL!

But there is a bright side: Emily made an ass of herself in the bathroom with her loud obnoxious laugh after I stepped in to mess with her. Apparently there was someone else in there...

Oh! And we went into Golf Galaxy where a worker pondered the philosophical meaning behind my "My Peace is Growing" T-shirt. I didn't think it was appropriate to tell him that it's really talking about my "piece." 

High and Mighty Blogger of God

It's a lot of work to continuously create new content and satisfy a fan base. So I have mad respect for all the authors of the digital era. But I'm not fond of cheaters; especially cheaters those who should know better. 

The other day I saw this little forum of bloggers all talking about their blogs and asking for support. But apparently it was a "No Heathens Allowed" zone as they were asking for support from other "Bloggers for Jesus."

I can understand seeking support from like-blogs, but it just felt like they were not trying to support each other. The tone and comments felt more like they were alienating other blogs and acting very "Holier than Thou." Isn't that against the whole Christianity handbook? 

What kind of things are you possibly talking about in your blog that we already didn't get? As far as I'm concerned there already was the ultimate blog about your religion. It's called the Bible.

Do you really think you can do the religion thing better than God? If so, prove it. Let me know what you can possibly be in your blog that I need to know that isn't already in Jesus' biographical manuscript? Exactly. Because apparently all you need to know is in that book. So unless you're copying the Bible word for word, your blog is irrelevant.

Go Fuck Yourself. Amen.

Unwanted Gym Penis Exposure

I've been going to the gym a lot lately, and I'm very unhappy about the constant penis sightings every time I go to the locker room. I'm just trying to go to the rest room and I'm constantly being bombarded with penises from all sides. You would think that this would be a good thing for me, right?

It's never like those wonderful gay locker room fantasies. Every once and a while you get that sexy ass bitch that gives you the motivation to work your ass off if only for a glimpse. What people don't tell you about the male gym experience is that to get to that random good/great sighting, you have to deal with 1000 sightings that make you want to rip your eyes out.  

Old men and vomit inducing excuses for men  walking around naked just hanging out like it's nothing. And I've had every scenario: nasty mothafuckas reaching/jumping to grab a towel, bodies that should be covered all the time bending over, old men standing around naked in groups talking about sports. And don't EVER try and tie your shoes! You'll have swinging pendulums trying to attack your face (and not in the good way). I swear someone intentionally tired to bitch slap me with his wang...

And the good sightings really don't end up going well either. What do you mean I'm not allowed to look at your sexy body? If you don't want me to stare, then keep it to yourself you tease! Don't talk to me when I'm taking a piss! I don't want to have a conversation when I'm holding myself unless it ends with it in your mouth!

I just don't want to deal with all that. People are either trying to tempt me or make me throw up on them. I'm not interested in your package unless it's being delivered to my fun zone! If you keep playing games, I'm going to make sure I cum out the winner!

Worst (or Best?) Bitch Slapping Song Ever

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous "serious" song I've ever heard. I'm all about slapping a bitches/hoes/haters but I think this takes things a bit too far. The title says it all. Fast forward past the stupid crap in the beginning (no pun intended). All that matters is the chorus and the dance that she does to go along with it. It's a great visual... 

Not for the weak of heart. If you don't like vulgar, course language then don't click play. Then again, if you don't like that then wtf are you doing at this site? 

Nick Hangs with Darth Vader in Emo Church

I'm a self described heathen. As you can tell from most of my posts, I'm going to hell. I've accepted that. Jesus and I have been locked into a love/hate roller coaster ride for most of my life that I have come to expect. At this point, I wouldn't have it any other way. But tonight I decided I would go to a Good Friday service. As someone who should spontaneously combust when just thinking about a church, I should know better. Why would I do this? I'm not even sure...

I was sure God was giving me a sign NOT to go, considering he threw every obstacle in my way. For some reason I chose to ignore it and go, even if I was going to be 15 minutes late. That's okay. I just missed the prayer, and who wants to be around for that boring mess? 

I've never been to an Episcopal church before. I'm not talking about the ones where they embrace my heathenhood and like to be different and unique. I'm talking about the high churchy ones. The ones that are so catholicy, you wonder why they left the Pope in the first place. Boy was I in for a treat!

I walked into a big beautiful cathedral. I couldn't have decorated it better myself. Ayesha could, but for me, it was perfect. There was low lighting and everyone was just sitting there seemingly depressed. I immediately felt that "I'm at a funeral" feeling. But looking back, we are talking about the funeral of Jesus. I should have been more respectful. How come no one told me that Good Friday for Episcopal church was all doom and gloom? 

I sat down in the back which I want to call the SHS (Standard Heathen Seating) section. I waited there awkwardly until something happened. Then God spoke to us.... and he sounded like Darth Vader.

I've never freaked out so much in my life. Where in the world was James Earl Jones? And why didn't anyone tell me he was the voice of God? I always thought that was Morgan Freeman's job. Well it turns out some guy was reading passages from the Bible that Jesus spoke. Even though I knew this, every time he spoke, I readied my light saber for battle.

Anyway, the service was SOOOO CREEPY! It was so dark and emo, I was surprised that ushers didn't hand out razor blades for us to cut ourselves for Jesus. The choir didn't help the situation. Don't get me wrong; they sounded beautiful. But they also sounded like creepy monks, and with emo feeling in the air, all I wanted to do was write depressing poetry and paint my finger nails black. 

I wish my mind didn't wander. While the service was nice, it certainly didn't keep my attention. I kept thinking that the choir sounded like the Temple of the Fayths from Final Fantasy X. Oh! Or the menu screen from the Halo games. And then I kept thinking how awesome it would be to have an epic fight scene in that place. Like the one from Final Fantasy VII Advent Children. All I wanted to be was Tifa Lockhart up in there. Yeah, my geek flag is showing, Waddaya Wanna Do About It!?!?!?

And then came the end prayer and I.......... Sorry, I fell asleep there. No. I wish I fell asleep there. I was kneeling, leaning on the pew in front of me and I kept feeling myself slip away. I was so comfy, I could have just passed out right there. The last thing I needed to do was start snoring while everyone was celebrating the death of Jesus. 

So I went to church and survived. I deserve a T-shirt. Someone make me the "I survived Emo Jesus Day and I didn't cut myself" shirt. And there should be a symbol of a cross and a razor blade, with tears. I'm so emo, my razor blade bleeds tears. It was a good experience though. If you want to live a little, try new things. Whatever you normally do, do the opposite. Heathens: go to church, have a chuckle. Christians: go to the strip club, wrap tracks in dollar bills and put it in the stripper's coin slot. Cuz that's what they really want.

Look, I did an entire post curse free! (I don't want to give God more of a reason to strike me down).

Gotta Slap My Damn Self

So.... This is the 2nd time Im writing this damn blog so Im a bit pissed. Im completely obsessed with this whole vagina tingling Twilight thing. I have not seen the movie but I am currently on the last chapter of the 3rd book Eclipse and so excited to start the last one. I know I'm going to have PTTS (post traumatic twilight syndrome) after Im done with this whole obsessed ordeal. I never thought I would be bitten by the twilight bug but I should have known better. So I need to be slapped back to reality.

Im also ready to give the author a slap, but I would spare her if she decides to write books for the rest of her life. Now all I need to know is why she would give girls such a hope and faith that men exist like that out there. Edward (my boo in fantasy land) is such a gentleman that only words could create. Like what kind of vampire would hold out of sexing up his human girlfriend, suck her for her precious blood and leave her for dead or at least bite her to keep her as a sex slave. I need to be slapped asap. 

Next and not least Im slapping Matthew Titanic loving ass Mother fucking DeWinkleer two times. I asked his ass to send me an email with some info and since I have still yet to hear a response from him I'm laying down 2 huge Titanic size glacier damaged slaps. Then I am slapping Mother Nature for fucking up and messing with the internet connection so I had to post this shit twice. Bye Bitches!! 

Kanye and the Gay Fish Scandal

I can't deny it; I love me some Kanye music. I really do. I have every album. But ask me if I actually bought any of them... I refuse to buy music from such a complete egotistical asshole. I REFUSE! His personality is just ugly to me. And no matter how disgustingly he acts out in public, we all still go out and get his album. I don't like to reward terrible behavior, so I don't.

After dealing with his BITCHASSNESS for such a long time, my dreams were finally answered when South Park decided to take that bitch down a notch. If you haven't seen the episode from two nights ago, GO WATCH IT NOW! Shit's hilarious! 

The story starts up with a very cute/funny joke about gay fish. What does gay fish have to do with Kanye West? Everything! The South Park crew weaves a great story around the absurdity that is Kanye West and how exactly the drama queen acts. It was perfect from beginning to end. 

But if showing Kanye how big of an ass he is wasn't great enough, there was an entire subplot that leads to Carlos Mencia getting his ass beat! And I REALLY hate Carlos Mencia! Get out of my head Matt and Trey!

Kanye apparently took the whole episode in stride and might actually be turning over a new leaf. It remains to be seen if Kanye will really change or if he's still going to be the big ol' douche that we've all grown to known and put up with.

Twitter: Micro Blog of Dreams

So I haven't been a big fan of Twitter, but lately I've been getting into it. Yes, it's very sad. I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't get the point. But I'm compelled to do it, and it really isn't that bad.

I will say that there are nice little gems to be found in the Twitter craze.  I follow many a celebrity, but I found through the wonders of micro blogging, that even celebrities, who seemingly have it all, have dreams too. This leads to John Mayer. In fact, all roads on Twitter lead to the always chatty, but most times fun singer. 

He recently tweeted "It would be fun, just once, to catch the cover of a weekly tabloid and see the headline 'John Mayer Nails Solo to 'Wheel!'" Well it looks like his fairy godmother was listening as OK Magazine decided to grant his wish and digitally create a cover just for him. 

Food Just Got Sexier

It's Official: food now wants to have sex with us. I'm not sure if I really oppose the idea right now. It would make quite the delicious one night stand. You can't tell me that a cannoli isn't asking for you to just stick it in? And I see how some of you guys look at those tacos...

Ok, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I point this out is because every time I watch a food commercial lately, it leaves me wanting... but I'm certainly not hungry if you get what I'm saying. Two such commercials are the new Milky Way and Quiznos commercials.

I have to say, the Milky Way one doesn't really do it for me. Yeah, the Milky Way is talking very sensual and trying to be very discrete, but I want a candy bar that's forceful. It has to let me know what it wants me to do with it. I'm not trying to have an affair with a Whatchamacallit here! I don't want more caramel in every bite! I want you to give me the Milky Way all over my face bitch! (That was for Matt)

Now the Quiznos commercial for their new Torpedo; now that's a sandwich I can hang with. That toaster... yeah, he's a G. From the get go, no playing around. He gets right up in there and let's that guy know what he wants him to do to him. And he makes that sandwich maker his bitch! And once you hear the babymaking music start up, you know it's over. And did you see how they slide that sandwich into the wrapper? The Torpedo wants to do you.

And for a while, all I wanted was a torpedo in my mouth. Yeah, I said it. TORPEDO IN MY MOUTH! And I wasn't the only one thinking it! My friend Emily and I would often comment about how good those torpedoes looked. Eventually, we were craving them every night!

Today I treated Emily on her lunch break to a torpedo. We both took part in the torpedo experience. She had a torpedo, I had a torpedo... this is starting to sound like a really dirty film.

And I gotta tell you, I loved having over a foot long of torpedo in my mouth. I'm a dirty boy.

OK, so the winner is definitely Quiznos torpedo. I mean, once I'm done with the 3-4 inches of Milky Way, I'd be a little disappointed. Maybe even laugh about it with some of my friends. But the torpedo... yeah, that thing can deliver for a LOOOONNNG time.

Here are the commercials, you be the judge.

Jesus and Ice Cream

Sometimes I choose to be nice to Matt. So this one is for him.

Over at SBP, we love ice cream. We'll fuck you up if you mess with our sweet, delicious icy treat. So when I was talking to Matt the other day, while Titanic references did not make an appearance, ice cream became a welcome topic of conversation. I said something that I wanted to share with you and I'm sure you'd agree: 

"It's the creamy frozen treat we suck from God's teet." 

Matt found much pleasure in that statement, and I really feel as if that should be the new official tagline for ice cream. 
And look at that! Even Jesus loves ice cream MUTHAFUCKA! Wait. If Jesus likes ice cream, then it's pretty disgusting that he's sucking from his own father's teet right? Very incestuous relationship right there. I think I can fix this: Jesus is God so it's not incest right? But then again, if they are both one and the same, then Jesus is just sucking on his own teet right? That's some real stuff to ponder...

Oh and if you're keeping up, I really did just write a post that covered ice cream, teet sucking, God, Jesus and incest.  And "teet" count is now at 5. Go me!

Seeing Sounds... It Bitch Slaps Shitty "Hot N Cold" Covers

So Matt recently posted something about the song "Hot N Cold" which is a song that I absolutely love. The cover on the other hand was a piece of shit that I wanted to smear all over his fucking face. That being said, it's time to bitch slap Matt's post with music that fucks up bitches. Yes, I am indeed calling out Matt's wack ass post in front of everyone! We're very mature over here at SBP...

So everyone needs to check out "Seeing Sounds" from the group N.E.R.D. I fucking love these guys! Be warned, they really aren't for everyone, as the album is a mix-match of different styles and influences. But I can let you know, if you're a lover of lots of different types of music, you'll find the album to be a welcome inclusion into your music library. If you're the type of person who only likes one type of music, there's bound to be a song just for you!

The album has songs that you've bound to hear somewhere: from clubs to commercials. The lead songs off the album include "Everyone Nose (All the Girls Standing in the Line for the Bathroom)", "Spaz", and "Sooner or Later." But it also has a lot of little gems such as "Kill Joy", "Love Bomb" and my personal favorite "Anti Matter."

As for "Anti Matter," we have fond memories over here at SBP. When at school, I would pick up Ayesha before class and we would often blast it in my car, getting hyped up to fuck up bitches in class. Ayesha and I are G's if you didn't know. Listening to the song just makes you want to throw up gang signs, act reckless and belligerent, and pray that some poor soul crosses you so that you can stomp the shit outta them. Sometimes we just want to crush people's sense of self worth and what's better than doing that? Doing it with an awesome soundtrack! Oh, it really is a piece of art...

It's the perfect song to drive slowly in front of an elementary school, blasting it and hoping to scar little children for life. Did you know I'm a great babysitter? 

So yeah... Seeing Sounds. It's music to fuck up bitches to. No questions. Just blast it and slap bitches (because that's really what life is all about right?)

Best Cover EVER

Enough of these gay posts from me, bitches. I have something fun for all you music lovers.

We all know the song "Hot N Cold" by famous girl-kissing Katy Perry. I for one, enjoy the song whenever it's on the radio. And no offense to Ms. Perry, for a long time I thought Pink sang that song. I mean come on, they both have lesbian themes in their work. For Christ's sake, look at Pink and tell me she's not a lesbo! Hard to do, isn't it?

But I digress...

Here's a cover to "Hot N Cold" by the Ukrainian band Los Colorados. You HAVE to check it out!

Don't ignore this, bitch!

Matt Gets Bitch-Slapped

WARNING.

This blog is VERY GAY. Not Richard Simmons gay or fucking-gross Clay Akien gay, but like oh my freaking God I just saw a dick, gay.

You've been warned!

Okay, this blog is gonna be strange. I mean, really fucking strange. I had to call Nick up as soon as I this happened and he agreed- it's fucking strange.

Words can't describe how much of a failure I feel like right now. Now, before I continue let me make it clear that I am not going to make this an emo post where I spew my emotions out over crap that happens in my life. Well, I am, but I'm going to teach you all a lesson in the mean time. Actually, I might now, but bear with me as this is a pretty fucking hilarious story. You'll be laughing at me by the end of it, and then I'm going to bitch slap you.

This is 2009. I'm turning 22. I'm a young, hip, moderately attractive gay male. We men, straight, gay, annoying, all have sex drives and urges. Fuck you if you say otherwise, bless you if you can really keep it in your pants till marriage [like that guy on the Real World this season, but don't get me started on that shit!]

But I have a boyfriend. We're in an open relationship. Now, at the age of 22 I've come to discover that as a male I wish to explore life. We shouldn't have to be tied down at a young age, and since males are horny fucks, we wanna fuck. I gave my self the chance for that tonight, and what happened? I bitch-slapped myself in the face, and I wanted to warn all the men out there what they can do to avoid it.

So this guy was licking my balls- he was a "hookup" as it's called in the modern world. Met him online, he's attracted to me, I'm attracted to him, etc. Two people in open relationships. One who likes to take orders like a bitch, the other who likes to give them. Shut the FUCK up if you think I take orders! I'll find you and kill you!

Like I was saying he was licking my balls, and I'm standing there wondering, "Why the fuck- why am I not..."

Let me explain it to you in a way innocents can understand. When building the Titanic and her sisters they had to erect many beams to actually build and frame the ship. If they weren't able to erect the first beam, the ship wouldn't be built.

Well fuck, I say, my ship wasn't going anywhere.

Now, what the hell do you do with a limp...beam...in a guys mouth...and he tells you to...BARGHAQ3U!...on his face? Now guys who like the vajay-jay, imagine it's a girl in place of the guy and, voila!, same image, same problem. But seriously, have you ever been in that moment? Some hot-ass [oh, GOD, that was an ass! Compared to my current boyfriend....Hello lord of the bubble-butts!] motherfucker is giving you pleasure and it's doing NOTHING for you and there's no way in hell you can deliver the grand finale. IT FUCKING SUCKS! [no pun]

That's when I started to freak out. I stayed in my whole "sexy" mindset and decided, "Well Matt, you've been in tighter situations before where you lied your way out of them. You can do it now, bitch."

So, I tell him goodbye. Not in a sweet way, but an "oh-my-God-I'm-lying-out-of-my arse-and-making-you-feel-like-a-piece-of-shit" way that you know you aren't gonna get away with. Like Ayesha says, it would be okay if they had bad breath or were ugly ass bitches, but when they are *hotter* than you, you shouldn't do that. Matt DeWinkeleer + Hot Guy should = Mount St. Helens in the 80s.

I got the fuck out of there. Men, if you have a feeling that tonight's not the night, don't do it. Perhaps you should consider your mental state before going out and getting a bj, hj, tj, or 9j. You don't want your manhood to be tarnished.

I feel like I'm going to be "that guy" in a story he tells his friends about on Facebook! WTF. So you know what I do? I'm gonna be "that guy" first thanks to my blog!

The gods of fate and one-night-stands handed me a bitch-slap tonight, and it came with one of the hottest guys I've ever gotten with. I know this is the wrong place but: FML.

PSA

This is something serious that everyone in life has had to deal with at some time or another and if you have not then the number at the bottom is especially for you. You ever have an annoying ass person that follows you around, shows up to your house or functions uninvited, never gets the hint that no one likes them, even after you make it clear that you want nothing to do with them they shove themselves on you. It's really sad and many of today's youth has to deal with these sad sad desperate ass individuals who have no life. 

Im here to solve your problem. I understand that you're just to kind or you may not give a shit like I do, but the person needs any extra hint. Here is your solution: The Rejection Hotline for GA: 4042601318, NY: 2126602245, LA: 310735099. To get rid of that guy/girl calling and leaving voicemail after voicemail when it was just a One Night Stand: 2122013517. For the ones that I think is the worst a person with Body Odor: 6319607171 or Bad Breath: 6309607178. After all of this if the dumb ass still does not get the hint and still decides that you want a hug everyday or hear about their stupid ass life you could always just, SLAP A BITCH!

Staring A** Mofo's & My Chiropractor

Don't you just hate when people stare in your face like they want to sex you down on the spot? That shit annoys me like no other. Why the fuck cant you just take a damn glimpse? I understand you may like what you see but DAMN!! Then there is the other instance which I understand it maybe hard to look away but ugly people need their privacy to. This morning I'm just minding my business and this couple is staring at me like I was there lover in a past life. Like wtf.... Can I help you, Would you look to cop a feel, Welcome to Good Burger home of the Good Burger can I take your order? No bitch!!! I just need to know what it is I can do to keep you out my face? Since it's Friday I wont slap all the bitches, oh what the heck I cant help it. Im slapping all you big eye, staring bitches that need to get a life. 

Im also slapping my damn chiropractor for saying that I need 6 weeks of treatment. I know I don't need that much but he is just trying to get all he can out of the insurance company. When I go to the appointment his dumb ass cracks my neck and says "see you in 2 days". I don't want to see his ass no more. Can you just crack my neck and back and give up this whole 6 week thing. So that dumb ass is getting smacked 2 times, actually 3 times for having that ugly ass decor in his place of business. 

Twilight and the Age of Bitch Ass Vampires

I'm going to be assassinated after this post. I will miss you all. But honestly, FUCK TWILIGHT!

No movie has done more to de-fang the awesomeness that is vampires than this Laguna Beach wannabe.  

I should tell you that I have NOT watched Twilight. So you ask yourself "Why would you bash something you haven't even seen?" Good question reader. I know myself. I love mushy, stupid girly things that make you cry and believe in the power of love. I'm sure if I watched Twilight, I'd be like all the Twilight fans out there acting like pre-teen bitches, getting all tingly in their vaginas over the mere sight of a Twilight poster. I can't let that happen. Why you ask? Besides the fact that I'm partial to my penis and what little manhood I have left, there's only one other reason: Because this movie takes vampires, arguably one of the most badass creatures ever, and turn them into emo, crybaby pussies.

I don't want to watch a movie about some lame ass bitches that run around DURING THE DAY, drink ANIMAL BLOOD, and want to fall in love. Vampires kill bitches! They run around at night, kicking ass and viciously ripping into whore's necks.

I heard that the two bitches in the movie don't even have sex until the last book. THE LAST FUCKING BOOK. If he was a real vampire, he'd fuck the bitch sideways in the air, bite the shit out of her neck and decide whether or not he likes her enough for another go around or if he wants to let the stupid bitch die. That's how real vampires get shit done!

Oh, and as for the whole "walking around in daylight" thing. I get that they explain some stupid explanation for why they can do that. But how is it when they actually get touched by the light, they dazzle. DAZZLE MUTHAFUCKER! That's the gayest thing I ever heard! They took what is quite possibly the coolest thing about their death, and reduced it to a fucking glitterfest! Vampires bodies can shrivel up, catch on fire as they run around like a fireball of death, or in the coolest cases, BLOW THE FUCK UP! Ashes everywhere! Now that's entertainment.

I have no problem with love stories. I love love stories. And love stories with vampires would be EPIC for me. Infusing vampires with teen issues is nothing new and has been done exceptionally well before (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bitches!). But I refuse to watch something that destroys everything good about vampires. Besides, everyone looks lame anyway. "Look at me! I'm pale, moody and look like I should be in a Abercrombie ad. But don't I look good doing my Blue Steel face?!" 

And it's never going to go away. 3 more fucking movies! Ugh...

If it was a just world, Buffy would be in the last book, fucking up Edward and all his model bitches and causing massive, disturbing bloodshed. Oh to dream...

Twitter: WTF

I'm a young guy, up on all the new gadgets and technology, but I don't get Twitter. WTF is the point? I've been trying really hard: getting the app on my phone, connecting with my friends who already have it, I even try to tweet every once in a while. While we're on it, can the word "tweet" be any gayer? Yes it could: if it was being fucked by the word fagalicious while salad tossing a fairy.

Everyone is talking about Twitter. Politicians are twittering, celebrities are twittering, respectable media outlets are twittering... My local news station has a twitter. Why the fuck do they need to Twitter? And everyone's talking about "Who's tweeting what?" or "Did you know they were tweeting during..." Why do I care? It's 140 characters! Not 140 words, 140 characters!

I check my twitter almost as much as my Facebook. Which is a lot. That's sad, but at least I know what I'm doing with my Facebook. I don't do anything interesting, so what do I tweet about? Should I be tweeting about having nothing to tweet about?

Apparently no one does anything of interest. How do I know? Because they tweet about nothing. No insight. Nothing cool or interesting. At least I'm nice enough to spare my friends the agony of refreshing their page just to find out that I'm doing nothing with my life. People tweet about sitting around and wishing they had a life. How original! Why don't you go out and fucking make a friend that you can talk to other than online? It's called human interaction.

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a product of the media and popularity among my peers. I play with my iPhone, I go on Facebook 100 times a day, and yes, while I don't get it, I have a Twitter. And it's another form of technological crack that I have to keep using because people tell me to. Oh Peer Pressure!

So I will continue to act like grandpa until I finally get what the big deal is. And the worst part? I know I'm going to tweet about this blog as soon as I'm done.

That being said, I'm NRCallie on Twitter. Be my friend. Maybe you'll help me understand the damn thing.

Cheddar Bay Biscuits!

I love Red Lobster! Ok that was a lie. I like Red Lobster a lot. I absolutely love seafood though. And nothing makes eating out better than a side of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. I fucking love those damn biscuits!

I'm addicted. I say that about a lot of things, but I really think I should go see Dr. Drew over this. I once yelled at my mom for days because she had only brought me two fucking biscuits home with her. I will sit down in the restaurant and eat nothing but those damn biscuits and then just take my food home to eat tomorrow... with like 8 biscuits in the bag.

I just had takeout from Red Lobster two days ago and I stole my mom's portion of biscuits for myself. But I was generous though; I let her have one. Don't want to be a jerk or anything.

I even looked up how to make them. It's a complicated process that yields light, buttery, cheddary goodness that melts in your mouth. Ohhh yeah... I would fuck that shit out of those biscuits given the opportunity. Like, for real for real!

If you don't go to Red Lobster for the biscuits, you haven't lived. And if you don't like them, then you hate everything that is good about food. More biscuits for me bitches!

My name is Nick and I have a problem. No! Fuck that! Those biscuits are fucking delicious!



- SBP Mobile: Slapping Bitches on the Go

Friends Don't Let Friends Get Bad Weaves

I'm really sick of this shit. Everyday I see these crazy ass individuals who just know in their own little twisted minds that they look good. This epidemic of bad weaves are hitting the streets at a rapid rate and are at an all time high. I can't take this anymore and we have to take a stand on the issue. It's really not that hard to find a proper stylist or walk by a damn mirror. Every time  I see one of these horrible disasters my heart is overwhelmed with disgust. 

A law should be passed to scalp every well minded individual walking around with tracks showing, helmet weaves, gelled down hair, or the one that drives me crazy is non matching hair color. If your hair color is black and you have the urge to buy a blond weave do us a favor and color the front of your hair or just don't do the shit in a color that does not match. Why in the hell would you want to walk around with your head looking like a pack of skittles? Please for all of mankind do your hair properly people or your going to get slapped up, cause this is not okay. SBP signing the fuck out bitches. Contact a stylist right now if this offends you!

The best food for Recession

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this recession. In the true nature of Slapping Bitches Production, there are quite a few number of bitches I would like to slap for this whole economic crisis. Including both democrats and republicans for being dumbasses (but republicans more.)

But two people I don't want to slap are Ben and Jerry.

Probably the best fucking thing to enjoy during a recession is ice cream. I mean, fuck, can you think of any other food that will make you happier? Times are tough, and I need something to enjoy in life.

I don't even care about the fat in it either. It's a recession, I know that I won't be getting the best guys out there right now, so I can look fat and ugly for a while. When the economy bounces back I'll make sure to do my part and spend money at the gym. But for now my boyfriend's $7.78 goes to a one gallon bucket of cookies-n-cream semen of the gods.

By the way the answer was 1,750 quarts. That's how many quarts of ice cream were on Titanic's maiden voayge. Rich-ass mother-fuckers knew how to drown.